Thursday, July 29, 2010

2 Live Crew, Christopher Cross and bloody dog poo

I woke up this morning to the aroma of dog poo.

As I followed the scent down the hall then down the stairs, noting Gracie the dog was totally missing in action, I knew it wouldn't be good.

In fact, it was worse than I could have imagined. As I took the final steps into the living room the poo smell became a blood smell.

My living room looked like a crime scene. Or like vampires were hanging out there overnight.

Diarrhea and blood, bright red spots of blood, were smattered all over the living room. Thank goodness for hardwood floors. However, in my carpeted office? Oh yeah, a pile of gooey, foamy vomit. Uh-oh.

$434.03 later (I feel that extra .03 is a total slap in the face), Gracie was diagnosed with "hemorrhagic gastroenteritis." Sounds scary, right? It is. The one pager the vet gave me says, "Dogs with HGE will appear severely ill and, if untreated, may die." Super.

Today was supposed to be my beach day, instead it turned in to my clean up dog poo, dog vomit and dog blood and get the permeating smell of poo and blood out of my house all while starving my dog and trying to feed her ice cubes. It was a special day indeed.

Other highlights of the day include:

-Watching the President on "The View" and learning he does not know who Snooki is. Whew! I, for one, am thrilled. I mean, I just learned who Snooki is about one month ago. In fact, I believe I asked Twitter-land, "What is a Snookie?" a few months back. (Not only did I not know what a "Snooki" was I also did not know how to spell it). I would hope our President is too busy running the country to watch "Jersey Shore." I guess that means Barack Obama, me and my mom are literally the only people in the U.S. who don't watch that trash.

-Speaking of trash, another highlight was listening to my trashy neighbors take their new speakers out for a spin. Well, they were spinning tunes anyway. The "free concert" went on for about an hour - the sound was coming from a house a block away and yet it was like I was listening to my own radio. The song selection varied from "Supersonic" to some bad songs by Slaughter or Firehouse (or other bad early 90s rock band), "Me So Horny" and "Sailing" by Christopher Cross. Eclectic yes. Oh, and annoying too. We are experiencing another surge in crime in my 'hood (shocking). In fact, last weekend while I was in Houston on business I received a crime alert that 80 crimes happened within one mile of my home. 80. 8-0. Eighty. Crimes included attempted murder, selling crack and something that sounded like someone tried to mow someone down with a car. Awesome. I am just saying....to any potential home invaders out there....that trashy house on 4th Street with the blanket in the window in place of real window coverings has a sweet sound system. Just saying. I am not a fan of most crimes; however, if this speaker system were to suddenly "disappear" I would not be disappointed and would thank the home invaders.

Just another day in my neighborhood!

Saturday, July 17, 2010

First it's flowers, then it's grand theft auto

I am hot.

And not because it's going to be 90 degrees out today.

This morning I took Gracie for a walk and on the way back I saw large blonde lady walking with four little children further ahead. I noticed her because she was huge. I tend not to make fun of "pleasantly plump" people (because I am not skinny) but this woman made Rasputia from "Norbit" look like super model.

(The reason Rasputia is even on my radar is because this other "big" lady I know who I call The Mullet was trying to raise some money this week and apparently offered to go down a 90 foot water slide if she hit her goal. The waterslide scene from "Norbit" - which was not a good movie, by the way - came to mind. I do make fun of her, because she is The Devil, not because she is fat - long story).

Anyway, Two-ton Telly and the four children were stopped in front of my house. I couldn't tell why they were stopped because I was about 6 blocks back but didn't think much of it because little kids drop things all the time. As I walked with Gracie, I saw them stop again at the house next door (home of the owners of the cat Gracie was accused of "murdering.").

By the time Gracie and I got home they had rounded the corner and were making their way up another street.

I took Gracie in, got her some water, grabbed my iPod and headed out for a run.

I went around in front of my house and in the direction Two-ton Telly had gone. As I started jogging up the block I noticed red and purple flowers sprinkled along the sidewalk and realized those were MY red and purple flowers. I went back to my house and, sure enough, they were stopped because the devil-children ripped about one-third of my beautiful petunias out of the planter and then threw them on the sidewalk.

Don't tell me, "They're just kids" or "They're just flowers."

What was this woman thinking? When the kids went for the flowers, she should have said no. It wasn't one or two, I counted as I picked them up. The pulled a total of eight flowers from the pot.

My mom says this is what I get for living around a bunch of uneducated, trashy red necks. I suppose she is right, but in my defense, the neighborhood did not seem that trashy two years ago. Because of the bad economy it has definitely declined.

So, what's next. First, it's just ripping flowers out of the flower pot at the home of a neighbor. Next, it's stealing a toy from a kid at school or at the playground. Then, it's on to throwing firecrackers at homes in the neighborhood and finally, what, grand theft auto? I am serious.

I am not a parent, but would think it is important to start instilling things like, "Don't touch what doesn't belong to you" at a young age.

Needless to say, my run did not go as planned. Rather, I picked up the eight dead flowers and jogged around the blocks in the direction Two-ton Telly went hoping to find her. She is huge, so she could not have gone far.

I am sure I looked like a psycho jogging up and down each block in a half-mile radius intently staring at each home, with ripped out petunias in hand. In fact, I hope I did look like a psycho and I hope she saw me!

I did not find her but will be on the look out for her this weekend. It's on!

And P.S. - if her kids/grandkids/babysitting charges, whatever they were, had not messed with my flowers I would care less about her size. Just saying!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

All good things must come to an end

My cranky neigbors left for a week long vacation last Saturday.

I cannot begin to tell you how much I have enjoyed coming and going without two sets of old eyes peeping at me.

Not to mention how much I don't miss the screaming grandchildren they babysit every week day and always trot out when I am trying to talk on the phone on my front porch (b/c my effing Sprint phones don't work in my home - don't even get me started on them!).

They should be back Saturday.

Where did the week go? I had such plans to enjoy not having next door neighbors! I was going to have friends over, work from home as much as possible and catch some rays in the back yard. Alas, weather and work got in the way of most of my plans.

It was good while it lasted.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Things will be great when you're downtown

I live two miles from the downtown of a large city (the Northwest side of Grand Rapids, Mich. to be exact).

I try to stay "in the city" as much as humanly possible. I leave to go to the movies, to go to the grocery store and to, well, leave town. That's about it. I live, work and play in the city.

It's no New York or Chicago, but, it has its charms. And it's better than the suburbs (except when hoodlums throw firecrackers at your house).

If you want to go to a concert or a festival, check out a sporting event or hit a cool bar, you have to go downtown. Seriously. There aren't many other places to go around here. Got it? Good. Because this is important.

So this guy who is a resident of a local suburb asked me out. I suggested meeting somewhere downtown. His response? "I don't really know anything there. I've never really been there."

What?

How? How? How is that possible? It isn't unless you have no life. Now, this guy doesn't really know me - or he would know how incredibly appalling I would find such a statement.

This guy seemed (past tense) normal enough but clearly, if he has never been downtown to a concert, festival, museum or bar I should not even waste my time on him. He needs to spend time with some nice, simple girl who likes dining at chain restaurants and hanging out at the mall! In other words, someone who is less than fabulous!

Life, liberty and the pursuit of lawsuits

I know I am a tad behind on my 4th of July post but the delay is worth it, trust me!


This year I spent 4th of July like a true American....drinking beer at a baseball game that was immediately followed by a patriotic fireworks display. Can't get more American than that, right?

Well, my friends and I learned you can.

God bless America. Indeed, we celebrate many freedoms here. Including a freedom I know our Founding Fathers just absolutely wanted us to be able to exercise...the freedom to file frivolous lawsuits!

You know George Washington was out there at Valley Forge, cleaning his wooden teeth, yelling at officers about getting STDs from the local whores (true story - saw it on The History Channel) and thinking, "Gee whiz, I hope someday people in this country will be free to fake injuries in the hope of personal financial gain!"

Without a doubt, what I witnessed at the baseball game will result in a frivolous lawsuit.

You know those T-shirt guns? The mascot was shooting T-shirts into the crowd and people were clamoring for them as if the mascot was shooting out bundles of Benjamins or something.

An orange T-shirt hurdled toward a group of people about four rows in front of me and my friends. Hands shot up to catch the prized T-shirt and a tall man at the game with his family caught it.

All is well that ends well, right? Not so much.

The woman in front of him, perhaps angry she didn't get the T-shirt, perhaps looking for some quick cash, suddenly doubled over in "pain," putting her hand on her side/lower back. It appeared she implied she was somehow shoved/pushed/punched by the man who caught the shirt. That definitely did NOT happen.

This woman was a drama queen. She tried to get up and walk and "collapsed" while her male companions kept shooting death looks to the poor guy who caught the T-shirt.

Speaking of T-shirt guy, he was totally bewildered. His wife kept putting her hand on his back and his kids had total looks of "WTF" on their faces.

"Injured" lady tried to make it the four seats to the end of her row and just couldn't, so a Good Samaritan flagged down "help." While waiting for "help" to arrive, poor T-shirt guy offered his prize to one of "injured" woman's male companions. The guy looked annoyed, but he accepted the T-shirt. Really? If your friend is truly injured do you care about a free T-shirt? Crazy!

She was suddenly surrounded by all kinds of official looking management people, as well as a paramedic. Suddenly a wheelchair appeared. The "help" tried to get her in a wheelchair but then realized we were surrounded by steps so that wouldn't work.

Meanwhile, the fireworks started and they were super....but I couldn't be help but be intrigued by the side show taking place in front of me!

Finally, a stretcher arrived. A freaking stretcher. They made her climb on, cross her arms in the manner of Hannibal Lector, and whisked her away.

T-shirt guy and his family jetted out of there before anyone could take his name and vital info. Good for him. The guy did not injure this woman. And, unless this woman had a pre-existing condition, there is no way she was injured. I mean, for real, if you have a bad back are you really going to lunge to grab a stupid free T-shirt? Probably not.

Given the fact that there was a slightly delayed reaction to the T-shirt catching and this woman's injury, I believe she was simply opting to celebrate the 4th of July in a uniquely American way...by faking an injury to file a lawsuit.

Farewell T-shirt guns at the local baseball games. Since T-shirt guy split before she could sue him, my guess is she'll go after those dangerous T-shirt guns.

I have a very American thought for her: T-shirt guns don't injure people. Idiot people jostling for free T-shirts that are worth .50 cents injure people (themselves).

Happy freaking (belated) birthday, America.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Eat, drink and don't be married - or at least don't have kids

Thursday evening I saw what is, in my opinion, the best news story I've ever seen on ABC World News. It should win an Emmy or a Pulitzer or something like that!

The story was about longevity, specifically focusing on those mysteries of modern medicine: the centenarians. You know, really old people. Specifically, people 100 years or older.

Here is the link but really, you have to hear my interpretation (which will be even better than the real deal). The news piece talks about having good genes, blah, blah, blah but the treasure and, what I believe is the truth, comes from the mouths of the two centenarians featured in the story: Two old ladies named Aggie and Betty.

Betty is a 110 year old white lady and Aggie is a 105 year old black lady. And they have some damn good advice for the younger ladies. Both are as cute as buttons and still quite active given their ages!

Betty said her key to long life, "No kids." Bingo! Betty is single and fabulous...and probably broke because she has lived so damn long. But maybe not so much since she never had to spend money on children? Not sure if Betty ever married, but by now I am sure her husband would be dead because women usually outlive men anyway. Unless Betty is a total cougar. Anyway, give it up for Betty!

Then there is Aggie. Yes, Aggie - she's my girl! She won me over with her tip for a long life when she shared her diet secrets. It's not what Aggie eats, it's what she drinks. My girl Aggie keeps it real. She said she drinks three Miller High Lifes and one shot of Scotch a day. All I can say? You go girl! Then there was a cut to a shot of Aggie kicking back a Miller Light (not a Miller High Life but close enough and I personally prefer Miller Light - less carbs).
 
There are your answers, my friends! The secret to a long, fabulous life. It is not about working out, eating right or any of that crap. Do as Betty and Aggie did. Don't have children and keep on drinking!
 
Bottoms up!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

How to offend your friends 101

I didn't intend to offend my Facebook friends today. They know I can be a total bitch. Hello! It's me! Do they not know me?

Somehow, I did manage to offend a few because today I took offense to one of those "If you have the best husband in the world-gag-me-with-a-spoon then copy this" stupid status updates that I despise.

This particular one is making its second round on Facebook. I ignored it with disgust the first time, but this time I can no longer hold my tongue:

"Snobby girls come from New York, sweet girls come from Alabama, but we Michigan girls have fire and ice in our blood...We can ride four wheelers, be a princess, throw left hooks, and drink with the boys and if we have an opinion, you know you're going to hear it.... Re-post ...if you're a ...TRUE.....MICHIGAN GIRL!"

I did NOT "re-post" this.

In fact, I posted this:

"Am I the only one offended by that 'Michigan girl' status update that talks about riding four wheelers and 'throwing left hooks?' I do neither of those. I also don't go 'up north,' I don't own any 'snow gear' and believe Michigan people have horrid accents. Clearly I am NOT a 'Michigan girl!'"

If the original author of this status update wants to stereotype, he or she simply should have written, "A 'Michigan girl' can wrangle a deer with her bear hands while cooking pasties (not pronounced like the nipple covers, by the way) and drinking a Faygo pop or a Labatt Blue during a weekend up north in 'da UP."  I think I covered several Michigan stereotypes there.

No one likes being reduced to a stereotype, especially one so....rough? "Throwing left hooks?" Really? I am not sure if the reference is to fishing (which is a big sport here in the Great Lakes state) or bar fighting but either way I am offended. I know it is just a stupid Facebook "thing" but it just really got to me.

What I did not expect was the dialogue it started on my Facebook page! Some agreed with me, while others did not.

And I never should have opened the door on the whole "accent" thing. People who don't get out of this state much really believe Michiganders don't have a regional accent. Yes, they do. Trust me on this. I have been back in this state for six years and it has totally crept back - I work hard to keep it at bay, but alas, when surrounded by it, you eventually surrender. For example, "Mom" is pronounced "maam" in Michigan. Don't believe me? Ask The New York Times travel writers! A few years ago one of their writers did a review on Grand Rapids (man, we thought we have MADE it then!) and featured a city landmark, The B.O.B., in the article. The writer took time to say, "The B.O.B., or as the locals call it, "The Baab." No joke.

What is the point of all of this? I am not really sure. I suppose to share a couple of lessons:
1. Offending people you like on Facebook is not a good idea
2. Don't get offended by stupid Facebook cut and paste status updates made up by people who have nothing better to do

Notice I did not take offense to the drinking reference. Though, as a refined, fabulous woman, I would much prefer sipping martinis at cocktail hour with the girls than shot-gunning beers with the boys. Unless Ryan Reynolds was one of said boys. Then I'd be totally down (or as we say in Michigan "Eye'd bee totally daayown").