Wednesday, January 18, 2012

How I spent my MLK weekend (or how Robert Scorpio ruined my love life)

Thankfully, this is nothing like my 2011 President's Day weekend. This is much more pathetic.

On Friday I left work an hour early to hit the gym. You all heard my rant about these New Year's resolution people and, side note, based on my experience at the gym today the crowds are getting worse, not better, but I digress.

I spent an hour on the elliptical and caught the end of the final episode of "One Life to Live." I grew up on the ABC soaps (my stay at home mom needed some entertainment) including OLTL, "All My Children" and "General Hospital." Of the three, GH was my favorite.

Why? Well, to be fair to the other shows, GH, it was on at 3 p.m., meaning it was the only one I could keep up with after school. Yes, I was totally the kid who would come home from school and watch a soap opera. Don't judge me, judge my mom (Love ya, mom!).

I loved soap operas so much that I was an avid reader of "Soap Opera Digest" and one of my many career aspirations was to be a soap opera writer. Seriously. Since the soap opera genre is dying I guess it's a good thing that dream didn't work out.

Couples are the cornerstone of the soap opera and like all soap viewers I have an all time favorite couple. No, not Luke and Laura (boring and before my time). Not John and Marlena ("Days of Our Lives" shout out!). And no, not even Bo and Hope (though they are my SECOND favorite soap opera couple of all time). I'm talking about GH 1989 - 1990 - Robert and Katherine.

Now, you're probably asking, "Who?" OK, you're probably only asking that if you are in tune with soaps in any way, shape or form and therefore, can tolerate reading this entry.

Two years is a blip in the lifetime of a soap but for some reason, this storyline was my favorite and the whole OLTL ending made me think about my favorite soap couple. I wondered if there could be a clip or two on You Tube since I hadn't seen my peeps in over 20 years. After Robert decided he "couldn't commit" and Kate left Port Charles I stopped watching GH (until Sonny Corinthos rolled in to town, I mean, HELLO!) and went on with my life (meaning, I transferred my soap opera addiction to "Days").

Imagine my shock when I stumbled upon not one clip, not two, but the entire Robert and Katherine storyline posted on You Tube. All 817 parts. Yes, 817. Eight hundred and seventeen. Someone out there is even crazier than I am.

Suddenly, I was totally sucked back in time to 1989. First it was my favorite episode ever (Kate returns from the dead,  "I'm not a ghost."). Then the craziest episode ever (Kate's creepy fiance Paul the archaeologist tries to mummify her. "These are linen wrapping strips. They'll keep you warm and protected." Seriously, even if you don't know what I'm talking about, check this out for a good laugh). The saddest episode (the break up) and the one that perfectly sums up the relationship (a knock down, drag out "War of the Roses" type fight).

It is now Tuesday and I'm on part 426. Oh the shame. (I will admit, I finally started watching sequentially in the 200s...and now I may have decided to go back to the beginning and that may have something to do with the fact I'm blogging at 1 a.m. on a week night).

Why did this story and these characters captivate me at the age of 12 and again in my 30s? I have no idea. But, I do know this: Since the age of 12, no matter how fiercely independent I think I am and try to be, deep down I just want a Robert to save me (Robert had to save Katherine many, many, many times). An Australian born ex-secret agent with an Aborigine friend who predicts his death is hard to come by in the Midwest so this is not working out so well (though I have to admit while Robert had boyish good looks in 1989, he really started to age in 1990. He got a bit overzealous with the Just For Men hair color). Plus, I will never be a world famous pianist whose fiance tries to mummify her (at least I hope not. And I mean that. Really.) therefore, I suppose I don't really need "saving."

Damn.

This is exactly why I'm still single. I will never find my Robert Scorpio.

About Jen's addiction: Jen is a recovering soap opera addict. After quitting GH in 1990, she took up "Days of Our Lives." For a period of time in the mid 1990s, Jen did both GH in "Days." In college, she had to cut back and, therefore, never scheduled a 1 p.m. class, thereby sealing her addiction to "Days" for the next five years (yes, five, not four). Eventually, Jen broke her soap opera addiction (it was called getting a big kid job and not having reliable VHS player). She had a brief relapse two years ago when her cable provider offered SoapNet for free for several months. Today, Jen leads a happy, normal life though she does use soaps recreationally on days off work and extended vacations. Jen does not, however, have a subscription to "Soap Opera Digest" and has not picked one up in at least 16 years. Jen should probably delete the You Tube app on her iPad if she wants to remain a normal, productive member of society.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Resolve to break your resolution, please!

January 3. The day the entire world returns to the gym after an 11 month hiatus. What a headache. On January 2 I was one of maybe 30 people at the massive YMCA in my city. After all, it was a federal holiday with New Year's falling on a weekend and all but, today, boom!

Why do all these people think something as arbitrary as a date on a calendar is going to inspire them to commit to long term healthy living? It isn't. Get real, people. First it's all these damn Janet Jackson Nutrisystem commercials, then the Weight Watchers commercials showing skinny Jennifer Hudson next to chubby Jennifer Hudson (and, by the way, there is NO WAY her arms just shrank like that counting points. She should have some major skin hanging off her skinny arms now. Where's the disclaimer that she had skin removal surgery? Cause...she did!) and now, everyone and their mother and brother are at the gym.

These new gym goers are the worst. First of all, they don't dress to work out. Today I spotted a woman on a treadmill in a sweater. Yes, a cotton winter sweater. While the old man next to her "ran" in his loafers and Dockers. Seriously, people? If you're going to go to the trouble to pay the outrageous YMCA membership fee try to look the part, ok?

Speaking of dressing, or undressing, don't get me started of the locker room. On any given day I'm subjected to seeing saggy boobs and even the occasional who-hah but now the locker room is PACKED. I'm a modest person. No one will ever see any of my naughty bits in the locker room. I realize some people have no modesty but, try to show some respect for others! Today I was clearly about to change when this girl sat down next to me to tie her shoe. She came from around the corner and the locker room wasn't even full yet! There were plenty of other places to sit! I gave her my "go away" look and she just stared back at me like, "Bitch, I'm gonna sit here and tie my shoe." So, she took her sweet-ass time and I just sat there and waited to change until she was done.

After my workout, I returned to the dreaded locker room which was full. At least the women there were doing the "don't make eye contact with anyone thing" while changing so it was cool. Until this old lady with long, stringy gray hair came along. I was leaning forward trying to pack my gym bag when she bent down to change her pants, sticking her saggy, old lady ass right in my face. I was so annoyed/disgusted that I bolted out of there.

All I have to say to all of these people is GO AWAY. Let me have the Y back. I hate having to stalk people for parking spots, for workout machines and getting old lady butts stuck in my face. Please, for the love, give up your New Year's resolutions. You, not the calendar, are the key to your own success. Go back to your couch, stuff your faces with Twinkies and watch "The Bachelor." I'll see you next January.