A picture is worth a thousand words

If I were really fabulous, I would not hang out at a place like Kale's Korner.

Kale's (I pronounce it Cal's because apparently my water-downed Michigan accent won't let me say "Kale's") is a dive bar about 8 blocks from my house. They have karaoke on Saturday nights so that is usually when you will find me and my crew there. And every time we go, there's something interesting happening....

I could tell you many interesting stories of people we've seen and things we've witnessed, but I'll let the photos do the talking.

What is wrong with this photo?

Or this one? This woman is flat ironing another woman's hair. At the bar. Because she just "didn't have time" to do if before she left. If you had ever been to Kale's you would know how absurd this is since there is never a line to get in!

A bus load of drunken Santas and slutty elves:

A slutty elf accosting a guy she did not know while he karaoked:

Dude, it's 15 degrees out!

Just a nightmare!

I should not have written the word nightmare twice before I went to sleep last night because, oh man, did I have a heck of a nightmare!

This week has been particularly stressful, both personally and professionally. When I am stressed I tend to have vivid dreams.

Last night I dreamt I was on top of a high rise in New York. At the top of the building was a round above ground pool. I somehow ended up in the pool. And I was not alone. In with me....I can only describe it as "Jaws." A giant great white shark who was ready for dinner.

Suddenly, my sister was in the water with me and "Jaws" took a lunge at her so I pushed her out of the way and the shark started snacking on me. The water was pink because of the blood pouring out of my body, I could see its teeth ripping in to my legs. I screamed and I could feel myself swallowing water. Suddenly my cat Lucy was floating in the water and "Jaws" left me to do devour Lucy in one gulp.

The upshot? At least Beyonce was not in my dream. "Wiggy" would have been really jealous, maybe even mad! Even if it meant that part of the time I was being eaten by a shark.

Additionally, I totally know who "Jaws" represented...and this person better watch out. In 2010 I am going to go all Chief Brody on their ass!!

P.S. "Jaws" was my favorite movie as a child. Disturbing, I know.

A sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare? Or just a nightmare?

"Wiggy" and I had a discussion about Beyonce earlier this week.

Shocking, I know.

I made "Wiggy" a photo collage of our trip to "visit" Beyonce in New York. She proudly displays it on her desk at work so I see it every day.

Anyway, we were reminiscing and wondering if her bodyguard remembers us. I would imagine we were tough to forget. Especially "Wiggy," Century 21 shopping bag in hand staring up, mouth gaping at the open window on the top floor of the building (FYI - it's only a four story building).

Then we joked about how we would have totally been on CNN if her bodyguard would have tased us.

I think a lightbulb went off in "Wiggy's" head - her original plan for her next trip to NYC was to have a helicopter or airplane let her parachute out and onto the roof of Beyonce's building....but I think she may be contemplating this getting tased option.

If I blog that I am going to NYC with "Wiggy" any time in the near future please do me a favor and remind me not to go!

Thanksgiving score board

Number of times my mom witnessed bad driving and blamed it on "texting"....1

Number of times during Thanksgiving dinner discussion centered on what Ch 4 in Detroit "found" on money (think e coli, feces, etc.)....2

Number of times above conversation led to conversation about finding cocaine on money....1

Number of times my sister's mother-in-law talked about not sneezing when sniffing a bill with cocaine residue and therefore, proving she is not a coke head....1

Number of glasses of wine I personally consumed over a three day period....at least 6, make it 8...maybe more?

The wine-o and I know...

Today was an especially challenging work day.

I needed to pick up a few things at my neighborhood grocery store as I made my way home and decided some sort of alcoholic beverage should top the list.

Upon entering the store I made a bee-line for the wine aisle.

Desperate for wine, any wine...so much to choose from but could not make a decision which delicious bottle to buy. OK, I will admit it, I just wanted to buy (and drink) it all.

An elderly woman was looking at the wine but she clearly did not have the sense of urgency I had as I stood there wishing I had carried my corkscrew with me...

Other people were shopping the wine aisle but clearly, I was in "the zone."

She stopped me and asked if I would help her. I wasn't sure what she needed help with but I am a sucker for little old ladies and little old men so OF COURSE I would help her!

A friend (presumably another little old lady) sent her to the store for some "white wine" and she wasn't sure what to buy. Her friend was having some "chest pain" and someone told her wine would cure it.

Wine cures everything! These are my type of old ladies! That's advice I would give someone!

She wanted to know the difference between the Pinot Grigio and the Moscato bottles she had in each hand. This woman did not realize she had hit the jackpot! Since I've personally had both types of this particular brand I was a total wine expert! And bonus, the little bottles were 10 for $10! She wanted to buy the little bottle...though personally, if it were me, I would hope my friend would buy the jumbo size...so I did direct her to the larger bottles but she was happy with her small bottle choice and went on her merry way, thanking me for my help.

Who knew my love of drinking (wine) would help me help an old lady?

Goin' rogue in GR

The national media descended upon Grand Rapids today as Sarah Palin kicked off her book tour.

Love her or hate her, Palin is "going rogue," visiting all the "right" smaller cities and towns (pun intended) so it is most appropriate Michigan's hotbed of conservatism is her first stop.

Ah, Sarah Palin. I can't help but think "Tina Fey" when I see her!

I toyed with the idea of "going rogue." I love politics and enjoy meeting political figures, regardless of their politics. So when the radio kicked on this morning and I heard my favorite morning show (and fellow Central Michigan University alums) had sent Producer Joe to the bookstore to "cheerlead" for Sarah Palin I knew I had to be there (this is a MUST listen by the way!).

Producer Joe quickly won the crowd over with his megaphone and zest. He started out by declaring his love for Sarah Palin and America then cheering "When I say 'Levi Johnston' you say 'douche bag.'"

In fact, people in line near me actually believed he was legit, despite the fact he yelled, "When I say 'teenage'" you say 'pregnancy'" and tricked the crowd with his cheer "When I say 'pro' you say 'choice.'" They actually played along.Then they realized their faux pas. And boo'ed. To which he responded "Suckers!"

Shortly thereafter the sun started rising and mall security escorted Producer Joe off the premises.  It was then that I truly realized what was happening. Producer Joe (who introduced himself as "Joe Six Pack" - of course) won over the crowd despite the fact no one really knew who he was...hmmm...that sounds familiar.

And daylight shed light on the masses around me. And it wasn't pretty.

I haven't seen that much flannel in one place since I saw Pearl Jam in concert. In 1994. When grunge was TRENDY.

And the cammo...don't even get me started.

People were dirty. I don't mean rolled out of bed dirty I mean, dirty-clothes-with-holes-and greasy-smelly-hair-teeth-as-yellow-as-butter dirty. I hope Sarah Palin brought some Lysol along with her hand sanitizer!  I always wonder why poor people vote conservative but I digress...

At one point I was directly across from the "stereotypical" conservatives. It did ease my mind to see them there. This was more of what I expected. They all looked like Alex P. Keaton and were talking about how "liberals" send "plants" to events like this and were trying to figure out who the "liberal plants" were. Suddenly, I started to squirm. As they cast their eyes in my direction I suddenly felt like I had forgotten to take my Hillary in 2008 2012 button off my coat. I quickly averted my eyes. "Maybe if I don't move they won't notice me," I thought. It seemed to work. Whew.

Soon another "Producer Joe" type came on the scene but it was not a joke.

This woman was priceless. Check her out...that's her in the red sweatshirt and running pants.

She declared she was a "temporary reporter" for a local AM station, despite the fact she had no microphone, no credentials, no pen and no paper. Hmmm. But what happened? People flocked to her! The old ladies next to me in line were enthralled (just as they were with Producer Joe). This woman was not a reporter! Even an intern would have had a pen and paper. And yet, this crowd...for some strange reason...believed her and played along....without knowing much about her. Hmmmm.

Then some guy who had already made it through the line and had his wristband (oh yeah, because after you stood in line for hours you would have to come back and do it all over again to meet Palin and get your book signed) yelled at my section of the line, "Are you waiting for your Obama money? You're in the Obama money line!"

Suddenly we were approached by a woman looking like she walked out of 1976 (huge glasses, feathered hair and all) peddling Palin in 2012 pins. For real? I suppose it's capitalism at it's finest.

The entire time this little ditty kept going through my head..."I built me a bridge it ain't goin' nowhere...oooh"

Finally I realized I did not belong. I felt like the Alex P. Keatons were giving me the stink eye for not laughing at the "Obama money" joke (because it was sooo funny? because half the people there looked like they are receiving "Obama money?") and I realized I sure as hell had no intention to come back and stand in line again later tonight with these people.

So I left. I was disoriented and cold. And then it hit me...I totally got what I came for. Cable news networks are no longer fair and balanced. Fox News would have reported there were 10,000 people there while TJ on CNN weekend mornings would have declared his undying love for Obama, said no one was there and people were protesting Sarah Palin. I went and saw it first hand. We often hide behind televisions and computer screens rather than getting up and getting involved.

Yes, I am being judgmental (teeth the shade of butter? Low blow, even for me). I told you people I am a total bitch and I'm ok with it. But, after standing in the cold for two hours I feel like I have some credibility to share my experiences.

Sarah Palin...love her, hate her. Regardless, I give her credit for putting herself out there and for the example she sets as a woman who has the family and the career. I just really hope for that little baby's sake (what's his name? Trigg? Track? Trek? Tic? Tac? I can't remember) she packed the Lysol and Purell because there was a whole lotta nasty out there in the flock crowd.

Don't tase me, bro!

In the tony neighborhood just east of here (appropriately named East Grand Rapids), police used a taser to subdue a man after they were called to his home. The problem is they tased him four times. Four times. And he died.

I know, I know...you are sitting there wondering why I am writing about this.

Well, here's why. This all took place across the street of the new home of my good friend. We'll call her "Wiggy."

"Wiggy" recently relocated to East Grand Rapids because she couldn't handle her Bible-thumphing, asparagus-pushing, home-schooling, home-intruding crazy neighbors/landlords. The last straw was when they placed a cross adorned in lights on the lawn of the duplex. That thing burned like the sun. On the upside I have to say it made her home easy to spot...from the road or even from an airplane flying overhead.

This story (of the tasing not the cross) prompted someone to ask my friend if she brings "crazy" with her wherever she goes. I have known "Wiggy" for five years now and must say she does.

It's like a dark cloud that follows her. She doesn't ask for it but it is just there.

Last night "Wiggy" was "sleeping" (if that's what you do after consuming a bottle of wine, just saying) when she saw strange lights coming in her home. She looked out the window, spotted the police and said to herself (this is a direct quote), "I am thinking to myself 'what have I did?'"

She went outside, and the police quickly shoo'ed her back in.

"Wiggy" then proceeded to take photos of the crime scene while peeking through the blinds and out the window with her BlackBerry. Did I mention that they were taking photos of her front yard? So while the tasing may have taken place across the street, for some reason her lawn is a crime scene. Welcome to the freaking neighborhood!

Unfortunately, the photos were all a dark blur. I would post one but frankly, she'd kill me if she knew I was blogging about her (so don't say anything, ok? Thanks!) so I couldn't come up with a great reason for her to share her photos with me (and she never uses Facebook so we'll never see said photos again).

I could say I am surprised, but frankly, I am not. Wherever my friend "Wiggy" goes, crazy follows.

Disclaimer: If there is any question as to who "Wiggy" is I will give you a clue. This individual, "Wiggy," may or may not have been involved with a "run in" with Beyonce somewhere in New York City....say Tribeca....Hudson St. in fact....of which I too may or may not have been involved. See June 2009 for further details.