Happy New Year! Yes, it's the annual letter!

Happy New Year!

Friends asked if I intended to write the annual letter since I haven't been updating the blog and I thought. "of course!" and then I had this realization: I am 37 (sometimes I forget my age but just did the math to verify) and the label "single, broke and (sort of) fabulous" still applies. That's just sad. That's probably why I don't update the blog anymore. It was all fun and games in my early 30s but now it's just pitiful. You know you are thinking it so I'll just own it. In my defense, I have to share that Kathie Lee and Hoda (totally reliable sources!)said new research shows there is a gene that causes singleness - clearly I have that gene! 

After a bit of additional reflection (I spent a lot of time alone so there's plenty of time to reflect. In fact, probably too much time!) I went back to something a beloved colleague of mine said this year. She looked at me and said, "Jen, you make the best out of every situation and you really live life to its fullest." Hmmm, not sure I truly live life to its fullest (My passport is expired. I live in Grand Rapids, Michigan. One could argue I'm not fully living my life.) but she has a point. I really do try to make the most out of life. After all, we only have one life to live! That, by the way, was the final line of the "One Life to Live" (soap opera, duh!) theme song in the 80s. Anyway, on with the letter.

Dear Friends and Family,

Happy New Year! I enjoyed your Shutterfly/Walgreens photo center Christmas cards full of pictures of your (not furry) children or (not so) exotic vacation photos. I couldn't corral all my (furry) children in a space close enough to photograph them together, so once again I decided to forego mailing cards. So, if you didn't get a card for me I don't hate you, I'm just too lazy to send cards. At least I'm not one of those "Merry Christmas" mass text people - I can't stand those. I realize the senders mean well but it's not my thing. Anyway, 2014...initially I thought 2014 was a mixed bag but really, after the turd of a year that was 2013, I realize 2014 was pretty awesome.

Sure, there were some challenges. I'm getting old and starting to have health issues. True story. For example, I went back on The Pill. No biggie, right? Wrong! I'm no spring chicken and apparently The Pill is for those youngsters. Why, you ask? Well, because it caused me to develop not one, not two but three blood clots in my right leg. At least it was a trendy malady. Seriously, 2014 was like the Year of the Blood Clot. I know a ton of people who developed them. Mine was the least serious of them all, however, it seriously screwed up my running and you all know how I love to run (will get to that later). I then had my varicose veins treated (because I have the vascular system of a grandma apparently) and that further sidelined me. Then, just this weekend, I threw out my back, presumably from sleeping on an old, terrible twin mattress with my 90lb dog and two cats at the home of my parents. In fact, I'm popping Vicodin right now. Needless to say, I'm ending 2014 a little chubbier than I started. In April I will run the Big Sur Marathon and can't wait to recommit to my physical health and wellness - just hope my body will cooperate! Other not great stuff - my dad's cancer returned and I had to say goodbye to Lucy, my best furry friend ever. And George Clooney got married (WTF!). Tough stuff, people, tough stuff. These things were difficult - are still difficult - but I don't want to dwell on them right now.

Despite these setbacks, challenges and loss it was a great year. A bucket list year, in fact.

Before I get to the bucket list (is the anticipation killing you?!?), I must share the mundane but important. I traveled so much (so, so much) that I finally have Hilton gold status and once again have silver status on Delta. Two years ago I missed silver by one trip. With all the travel I am subjected to for work, I relish any opportunity to get to board early and not get treated like steerage. So yes, I'm bragging here.

Thankfully, some of my travel was for fun. Well, the type of fun I'm in to - when you travel somewhere to run a race. I went to LA for fun (to run a marathon), the Finger Lakes (to run a half marathon) and Chicago (to run a half marathon, not to mention COUNTLESS times for work).

I celebrated my 37th year of being single by renting a "pub cruiser" and peddling (and drinking) all around Grand Rapids on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.

My home value went up and my neighborhood is well, boring. I won't say I miss the crime but, I must admit, things are so not exciting around here. I'm surrounded by normal people! And, not one but two big breweries are moving in to the neighborhood. What's next? A trendy gastro-pub? Wait, we're getting one of those too. So, life in the 'hood is not so 'hoody. Sigh.

Now, to the bucket list stuff.

I "won" two lotteries! No, no monetary prizes involved.

Less than a month after the blood clots developed I completed the AJC Peachtree Road Race. It's the largest 10k in the country and has always been one of my dream races. My BFF Peasley road tripped to Atlanta with me and we had a fabulous 4th of July. I'm so thankful I got to experience this race and really hope to do it again because it was just really fun.

Then, there was this. It was, without a doubt, the greatest day of my life.

I completed the New York City Marathon.

Twelve percent of people with names in the lottery got in and I was one of the 12 percent. The marathon was everything I hoped it would be and more. I don't want to get all sappy here but, I will, so indulge me for a moment. In 2009 I watched the marathon on TV. Don't ask why. I was not yet a runner. I watched the thousands of people take off over the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge and thought, "Someday I am going to run that marathon." That thought never left my mind. All the running, all the struggles with fitness and weight led to that moment - the moment I crossed the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge. Of course, there were 50 MPH winds (really, hats were flying off heads) and I suddenly had to poop with no porta-potty in sight so maybe that moment wasn't as perfect as I had hoped but after a few successful porta-potty visits (sorry, I'm a runner, we talk freely about our bowels. It's a thing.) I could relax and enjoy my 26.2 mile journey through the five boroughs of the greatest city on earth. It was incredible.

Then, there was this.

Well, not this exactly. Yes, I mean, this year I became the proud owner of this Hillary iPhone case but this case is important because it played an important role when this happened:

Yes, that's Hillary Clinton. Yes, I took that picture. And, yes, I used the phone covered in the Ready for Hillary case. Oops! In the excitement of seeing my idol, I sort of forgot her photo was on the back of my phone so if she looks surprised (or, as my friend Emily said, "scared") it's probably because she was looking at herself when I snapped this photo. Sadly, I was not able to slip Hillary my resume when this happened so that's on the to do list for 2015.

Hearing Hillary speak is another bucket list item I can check off. 

Sorry I don't have the usual snark for you this year. Maybe it's the Vicodin.  I'm still snarky - just ask my favorite co-workers. One actually thanked me for the snark in his Christmas card to me. I haven't lost my edge, don't worry. However, when I reflect on this year I have to be genuine. I'm thankful for my health, even though I complain about my issues those are nothing compared to what some people my age and younger are dealing with. I'm really thankful for my friends, new and old. This week so many people offered to help me out when I hurt my back - I'm lucky to have these type of people in my life! 

So, what's next? I guess I need some new bucket list items. And no, not things like "marry George Clooney" (I will dwell on this for a minute - I'm glad he didn't marry a bimbo but I still wish he would have married ME!)...things that could actually happen. While most of you chase your children around the house I'll sit on my couch with my Vicodin, watching "the" Netflix and pondering my next moves that will help me live life to the fullest. Or as full as it can be living in this mid-sized Midwest city and working in the nonprofit world...

Happy New Year!

-Jen

P.S. If you read this letter every year, you'll remember in 2012 I noted the crack in my kitchen ceiling. It's still there. I sort of patched it myself, meaning, it's still there. I've still got my edge! Maybe I'll actually fix it in 2015? Nah. I'll use that money to take a trip! 

Annual holiday letter: Belated edition

The annual letter is back. Inspired by the many "holiday letters" I once received, I started this tradition a few years ago. Apparently word is out because I only received one "holiday letter" this year. It happened to be from my boss. She definitely doesn't read my blog (thankfully).

Dear Friends and Family,

2013 will end in about 12 hours and, frankly, I can't wait to see it end. The fact that I'm writing this 12 hours before the end of the year and days after Christmas pretty much sums up my year - always a couple of steps behind.

2013 pretty much sucked. Ah, after two stellar years that was bound to happen. It's not just me. I mean, Helen Fielding killed off Mark Darcy! Bridget Jones had a rough year too.

Traditionally I use this annual letter to share some highlights from the year, my travels, etc. This year more than ever I learned to appreciate perspective and appreciate that there are millions of people in the world who would love to have my first world problems. I'm lucky, blessed, whatever you want to call it. In the name of perspective, I'm going to share my top ten "little victories" or interesting moments of 2013. Sure, I feel like the year pretty much sucked overall, but some good / fun things happened so I want to focus on the good:

10. I found a home for yet another homeless cat that came in to my life. Yay for Sally the kitty cat!

9. The river in my city had its 100 year flood, flooding my basement. I didn't totally lose my mind over this like I would have a few years ago. Sure, I had to rip out much of the basement carpeting, I'm sure the basement has mold that will never go away and the whole thing sucked but, what can you do?

8. Proving I am my father's daughter, when I sliced my finger open with a very sharp, fancy knife I decided duct tape and gauze would have to do the trick since I have no first-aid kit in my home. That worked for about a day and then I decided stitches were in order. Here's a picture of my drive to urgent care:

7. I went hiking for the first time in Tucson and managed not to accidentally tumble down the mountain or in to a ravine. I wasn't really wearing proper hiking attire but, I don't own hiking attire so I figured a cute The North Face fleece and my running shoes would work.

6. In 2013 I did not overdraw my checking account. Not even once. Sure I had to reapply for my job and go through three months of torture not knowing if I would come out of the process employed, but when all was said and done I ended up making more money and am finally finding myself in a place where I am starting to feel financially secure. In fact, I even bought a new sectional! If you've been to my home and been subjected to my horrific old couch (which was an oversized love seat) and chair you'll know what a "luxury" this is!

5. I trained for and completed two marathons. Sure, I gained about 20 pounds in the process but at least I didn't gain 30. Seriously, I'm the only person I know who can train for two marathons in one year and GAIN weight.



4. I won a major award! OK, not really a major award but an award nonetheless! It was for making a healthy lifestyle change by becoming a runner (even though I did gain those 20 evil pounds this year). Total surprise and pretty darn cool.

3. Flew on a plane with US Rep. John Boehner. He and his two Secret Service agents were flying coach, just like me! And yes, he really is this tan:

In fact, he was wearing an orange sweater - which made him look even more, well, orange.

2. My home value increased. Sure it was by $300 but at least it is moving in the right direction. Of course this may be because....

1. My neighborhood is no longer full of hillbillies and drug dealers! It's true! A totally normal young couple bought the house two doors down and paid close to what I paid for my house! The hillbillies are gone! There are no more break-ins (knock on wood)! And, to top if off, my favorite brewery is setting up shop within walking distance of my house. Things in my 'hood can only keep going up!

That's my 2013 in a nutshell. Sure, I'm ending the year a little more jaded than I started, but I did learn more than ever the importance of looking for the "silver lining" if you will. Also, I learned I wear a lot of pink. In fact, I'm wearing pink right now. I definitely want to make some changes in 2014 but I will definitely keep wearing pink!

Happy New Year! Welcome, 2014!

The infamous annual holiday letter

Since the world didn't end, it's time for the 2012 edition of Jen's Christmas letter:

Dear Friends and Family,

Merry Christmas! I'm saying that more since an outing with my college friend Liz. She sported a button while we were out with some other college friends that said, "It's ok to say Merry CHRISTmas," so, I guess it's ok to say. Because the button she got at church said so...yeah....anyway....

2012. Wow - where is the time going? This year flew by and really, I can sum up the events of the year with one word: Run. I didn't blog much about it because I didn't want to be one of "those" people (that's what I used Facebook for), but this year I trained for and completed my first full marathon. Marathon training was all consuming. Seriously, particularly in the last month, I was obsessed. Everything in my life - what I ate, what I drank, how much I slept, even (gasp) work - revolved around marathon training. This experience changed my life (in a good way). I cried like a baby when I crossed that finish line after 26.2 grueling miles. Afterward, I went to the home of my parents where I sat in an ice bath for 30 minutes, then moved to a recliner where my ice and icy hot slathered body experienced pain like I've never imagined. It hurt to breathe. I looked at my mom at one point and said, "I know I've never given birth, but I guarantee you, this is worse than giving birth" (really? Clearly I'm no expert on birthing anything.). Like childbirth, the pain is now a vague memory and I am already signed up for my next full marathon (Because, like people with multiple children, I'm insane.).

As usual, I traveled for work - Indianapolis (gag), DC (3 or 4 times?), Atlanta, Nashville, Portland, St. Louis, Denver, maybe a few more places but I can't really remember at this point. I even took a trip of pure leisure - visiting the Ritz Carleton Reynolds Plantation in Georgia. It was lovely but, Georgia, really, what was I thinking? I used to live there. I need take fun trips that are a little more "exotic" in the future.  I'm a little bitter right now because we clamped down on work travel just as I was two trips away from keeping my silver status on Delta - I happened to have two trips on the calendar that were cancelled. Now I'm relinquished to peasant status once again....oh, how I loathe boarding planes with clueless tourists.

The travel highlight was a work trip to the Pacific Northwest. I added two personal days and took in as much as possible - Portland, Seattle, Mt St Helens (my friend Lori and I are forever bonded over our harrowing trip up and down the road near that mountain!) and Cannon Beach (aka Goonies beach). My new life dream is to live in Oregon. Seriously. It is beautiful, clean, progressive, they have beer (I attended the Oregon Brewer's Festival), and even the TSA agents at the airport are happy and friendly...I think it is the place for me...so now you will randomly hear me declare my love for Oregon in general conversation.

Even more friends got married (as if this was even possible), so I truly am the last single girl at this point. It's cool - I'm thrilled to not have to deal with the crazy family of someone else at holidays (mine is crazy enough, thanks) but, you know, from time to time (New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, etc.) is can be sort of a bummer being the only single girl. But then I think of my friends with kids, shudder, and realize I'm living the life I'm meant to live (childless).

And finally, I became a certified Citizen Police Academy graduate this year. That's right, while I didn't blog much about it (because of marathon training and a pesky confidentiality agreement) I earned not only a certificate but a teeny, tiny badge (pin). I had the best experience on my "ride along" where "we" solved a crime (a shooting!!), arrested a baby momma beater and saw a hooker (she totally looked like she should be on PeopleofWalMart.com and not working the street corner), all while I wore a bullet proof vest. It was pretty awesome.

Here I am, drinking a Shiner Holiday Cheer (LOVE this beer), Love Actually (LOVE Hugh Grant) is playing on the tube and my three furry children are sitting nearby while I'm watching college kids converge on the house across the street for what I presume is an end of the world party (milk it for all it's worth - just don't burn a couch like we did at Central Michigan University for such parties, kids, ok?). Reflecting on 2012 (yet another Year of Jen, just like 2009, 2010, 2011, you get the picture), I'm thinking this:

Sure, I have a crack in my kitchen ceiling (still) from the bathroom fiasco (the black sub floor the contractor removed from my bathroom nearly made me faint),  I lost way too many hours watching a certain soap super couple from the 80s on You Tube (repeatedly), cupcakes and crap still appear in the breakroom at work on occasion to tempt me, I did two things I will never, ever do again (and no, I'm not going to elaborate) and this week I overdrew my checking account with last minute Christmas (not holiday) purchases. Woe is me and my 'first world' problems.

Time to go to sleep and count my blessings (instead of sheep - couldn't resist - love the movie White Christmas).

The single life is still all it's cracked up to be, and I look forward to yet another Year of Jen in 2013.

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

Well, Michael Stipe was not talking about 12.21.12. As you are acutely aware, the Mayans were wrong and we're all still here.

Frankly, I'm a little surprised and here's why....

Last weekend while out with friends I met a nice, friendly, attractive, employed, childless, seemingly normal man. It's true. Oh, and I guess I should say the important part - he liked me. That never happens.

Now, he happened to be Canadian (the really far away part of Canada - Calgary) but you know, had we had more time to get to know one another I could have totally moved. Anyway, the fact that an attractive, friendly, educated, employed man actually had an interest in me made me believe in the impending apocalypse. Surely, this had to be a sign of Doomsday.

I spent apocalypse eve at a local brewery debating gun control with a gun-owning, NRA member friend. Yet another sign of end of days, that I would have a gun-owning, NRA member friend.

However, I woke up today, went to the Y and watched soap operas (Robert Scorpio is BACK on General Hospital. Anna's true love Duke is back from the dead - from 20 years ago - my mind has been blown!!!). A truly unremarkable day - good thing it was not my last one on earth.

Last night between debating guns in schools, right to work and the Affordable Care Act, we discussed the end of the world. If the world ended today, what would have been my biggest regret? Not being single, not being broke, not being sort of fabulous....it would be not traveling more. For real.

This is where the Canadian could have come in....he is an energy consultant...I think he could have funded some globetrotting. Oh well.

So, yay, the world has not ended! It's not the end of the world as we know it, and I still feel fine.

West Coast Jen the Third? (Or how I said "No" to Ricki Lake)

I turned down an opportunity to make my national TV debut.

My job has put me on local TV from time to time but nothing like this.

A staff person from the Ricki Lake show contacted me after stumbling across the blog. No joke! I edited the email address and phone number but here's the message:

Hi There, Jen!

I'm messaging you from the Ricki Lake Show office in Los Angeles. I stumbled across your blog, and thought you might be a good fit in a segment we are working on. We are looking for a single woman who doesn't necessarily want to change up a lifestyle of certain luxuries- going out with friends, mani/pedis, shopping, Starbucks etc... But still sweats it out until the next paycheck. I'd love to talk to you more about it if you have a few moments today. I can be reached via e-mail at name@therickilakeshow.com or on the office line: 310.XXX.XXXX.

Thanks so much! Hope to hear from you soon!

-Name

Ricki's staff person is on it - I do fit the bill. However, taking my single, broke and not so fabulous life on a national talk show is not my style. Though it would have been super fun (who doesn't love Ricki Lake?? "Hairspray" was amazing!)! Then again, I would have been in L.A. and could have found Cali Jen (and Cali Jen #2 for that matter). I mean, if I found Beyonce for Wiggy in NYC, finding a non celebrity with my name should be a breeze, right?

Ah, c'est la vie. It would have been fun. Crap. Now I'm wondering if Ricki would have given me some free Kate Spade swag or something.

I'm still thinking if I'm going to go for TV, I'm totally going for "The Price Is Right." Occasionally they give away Kate Spade luggage and bags....to go along with a fabulous trip somewhere. Heaven knows I am in desperate need of a real vacation!

You and I ( You, you and I)

We.

Single girls only use that term when talking about hanging out with their girlfriends. The term "we" is rarely used in mundane but oh-so grown up phrases such as, "We went to church and then the grocery store" or "We cooked a wonderful dinner, ate and did the dishes."

For a short period of time one of my single friends thought she could be a "we."

Why you ask? Well, she thought she had a parasite.

Turns out she doesn't, but she got the news after she went ahead and named it.

We had a lot of fun talking about all the things she and her parasite could have done together, turning her from a "me" to a "we."

Personally, I'm sad I have no excuse to write her a poem I planned to title "My Parasite and Me."

Ho hum. Better luck next time.

My funny Valentine (and crack is still whack)

My Valentine.

My Valentine makes me feel wonderful. Like I'm dancing on a cloud. Like ooh, heaven is a place on earth.

My Valentine makes my heart flutter. I'm dizzy - dizzy because of the effect my Valentine has on me. I'm even a little weak in the knees.

My Valentine and I are currently together at a Hampton Inn. I should sleep well tonight with my Valentine in my life.

My Valentine? My Valentine's name is Flexeril. Yes, Flexeril's love is my drug. No, no, Flexeril is my drug (to sort of quote Ke$ha).

Yes, my Valentine is a prescription drug. (You thought Flexeril was a silly name for a man, didn't you?).

Just when I couldn't sink any lower on this damn holiday, here I am.

At some point in time this week I did something to my back. Perhaps a I pulled a muscle running, Yoga Booty Balleting or opening my really old and sort of broken garage door. Frankly, I'm not sure what happened but last night I tossed and turned in pain, unable to get comfortable.

This is a week of much travel for me - beginning with meetings at an office about an hour away (where, thanks to the holiday, there were cupcakes GALORE. However, unlike at my office, these cupcakes were for sale for a fundraiser and, therefore, I deemed it ok) today and tomorrow, followed by a trip to my (least) favorite city, Indianapolis, on the books for tomorrow after work.

Anyway, on the drive this morning my back started to spasm. We're talking couldn't breathe-almost-passed-out-thought-I-was-gonna-crash-the-car-awful-pain. I made it through four morning meetings (at one point I was literally triple booked) and then motored on over to urgent care.

The diagnosis? Back spasms (imagine that). The treatment? Flexeril, Mobic and rest (oops on the rest part - after popping the drugs I felt so great I hit the elliptical for an hour. Blame it on the cupcake I bought. Yes, I caved today).

I've experienced Flexeril before and know what it does - it totally makes me high.

So here I am - high on not love on this Valentine's Day but on Flexeril.

And even though the doc told me heat is good for my back, I learned a valuable lesson from Whitney Houston this weekend. Don't get high and then get in a hotel bathtub.

It's just a bad idea (R.I.P. Whitney).

Crack may be whack, but Flexeril is phenomen-il!

Cupcakes, shopping and wine

Remember the old school cartoons where a character had a little devil on one shoulder and a little angel on each shoulder when faced with a dilemma? Lately I feel as though my own little angel and devil have been at war.

Let me paint the picture: My little angel is running in place on my shoulder, decked out for a run after putting in a ten hour work day. Her grocery bags are full of organic food, she flosses daily and her bank account has more the $50 because she is living within her means. She's a good girl.

Then there's my little devil. She isn't so little - in fact, she's overweight because she is sitting on her couch drinking wine, shopping online and watching (you guessed it) too much General Hospital on You Tube. She has a new Kate Spade purse on her arm, a cupcake in her mouth, a glow to her face because she just got an Aveda facial and she's totally up to speed on the current "Days of our Lives" story line. She's simply ridiculous. And broke.

I want Angel Jen to win the ongoing tug of war, but it isn't easy. Today alone was fraught with temptation.

It all started when Kate Spade emailed my work account at 3 a.m. announcing a one day only up to 75 percent off sale. 75 percent off. Kate Spade.

Normally, Devil Jen would be all over this. However, last week Devil Jen - celebrating the hard work of Angel Jen's weight loss (100 pounds lost, baby!) - spent way too much money and essentially bought a new wardrobe. Seriously, while checking out at Marshall's, the clerk asked me/Devil Jen where I'm/we're vacationing. I sort of choked (while Devil Jen totally did her evil laugh) because, well, there are no official non-work travel dates on the calendar yet, and then lied (Devil Jen wins again - damn her!).

Marshall's was just one place Devil Jen/I hit on her/our binge - she/we dropped some serious cash at Banana Republic and at loft.com. Wiggy told me I have a problem. Given her penchant for spending I think she may be right. So, even though I got paid on Friday and 75 percent off anything Kate Spade is a bargain, Angel Jen prevailed today. Don't worry, I'm still sort of sweaty and shaky wondering if I missed any good deals but I'll survive. I hope. I'm trying not to drink wine to cope.

It continued when cupcakes from a local bakery made an appearance in the lunch room. Devil Jen loves her some cupcakes. In fact, she/I (we) are cupcake connoisseurs. Seriously. There is junk in our lunch room all the time. Cakes, cookies, crap. It makes it tough to eat healthy when temptation sits next to you while you try to eat non crap. Devil Jen, weary from the Kate Spade battle, probably already feeling a little defeated, easily lost this one to Angel Jen. No cupcake for me. Of course, while running 3.25 miles after work (another win for Angel Jen), I couldn't stop thinking about Magnolia Bakery cupcakes. Thank goodness I can't order those online!

Finally, tonight I have two conference calls for work. I decided to use that time to multi-task and do additional work. If I only work 7.5 hours per day (our "normal" work day - supposedly) I feel like I'm cheating the system. I have so much work to do (and I'm not complaining) that there are never enough hours in the day. Angel Jen won this round too - I'm proud to log a 9.5 hour work day today and I'm rolling in to the office early tomorrow to ensure I do it again, probably sporting the adorable red pants Devil Jen just purchased from Loft to wear on Angel Jen's body.

And I'll probably still be day dreaming of Magnolia Bakery cupcakes...

How I spent my MLK weekend (or how Robert Scorpio ruined my love life)

Thankfully, this is nothing like my 2011 President's Day weekend. This is much more pathetic.

On Friday I left work an hour early to hit the gym. You all heard my rant about these New Year's resolution people and, side note, based on my experience at the gym today the crowds are getting worse, not better, but I digress.

I spent an hour on the elliptical and caught the end of the final episode of "One Life to Live." I grew up on the ABC soaps (my stay at home mom needed some entertainment) including OLTL, "All My Children" and "General Hospital." Of the three, GH was my favorite.

Why? Well, to be fair to the other shows, GH, it was on at 3 p.m., meaning it was the only one I could keep up with after school. Yes, I was totally the kid who would come home from school and watch a soap opera. Don't judge me, judge my mom (Love ya, mom!).

I loved soap operas so much that I was an avid reader of "Soap Opera Digest" and one of my many career aspirations was to be a soap opera writer. Seriously. Since the soap opera genre is dying I guess it's a good thing that dream didn't work out.

Couples are the cornerstone of the soap opera and like all soap viewers I have an all time favorite couple. No, not Luke and Laura (boring and before my time). Not John and Marlena ("Days of Our Lives" shout out!). And no, not even Bo and Hope (though they are my SECOND favorite soap opera couple of all time). I'm talking about GH 1989 - 1990 - Robert and Katherine.

Now, you're probably asking, "Who?" OK, you're probably only asking that if you are in tune with soaps in any way, shape or form and therefore, can tolerate reading this entry.

Two years is a blip in the lifetime of a soap but for some reason, this storyline was my favorite and the whole OLTL ending made me think about my favorite soap couple. I wondered if there could be a clip or two on You Tube since I hadn't seen my peeps in over 20 years. After Robert decided he "couldn't commit" and Kate left Port Charles I stopped watching GH (until Sonny Corinthos rolled in to town, I mean, HELLO!) and went on with my life (meaning, I transferred my soap opera addiction to "Days").

Imagine my shock when I stumbled upon not one clip, not two, but the entire Robert and Katherine storyline posted on You Tube. All 817 parts. Yes, 817. Eight hundred and seventeen. Someone out there is even crazier than I am.

Suddenly, I was totally sucked back in time to 1989. First it was my favorite episode ever (Kate returns from the dead,  "I'm not a ghost."). Then the craziest episode ever (Kate's creepy fiance Paul the archaeologist tries to mummify her. "These are linen wrapping strips. They'll keep you warm and protected." Seriously, even if you don't know what I'm talking about, check this out for a good laugh). The saddest episode (the break up) and the one that perfectly sums up the relationship (a knock down, drag out "War of the Roses" type fight).

It is now Tuesday and I'm on part 426. Oh the shame. (I will admit, I finally started watching sequentially in the 200s...and now I may have decided to go back to the beginning and that may have something to do with the fact I'm blogging at 1 a.m. on a week night).

Why did this story and these characters captivate me at the age of 12 and again in my 30s? I have no idea. But, I do know this: Since the age of 12, no matter how fiercely independent I think I am and try to be, deep down I just want a Robert to save me (Robert had to save Katherine many, many, many times). An Australian born ex-secret agent with an Aborigine friend who predicts his death is hard to come by in the Midwest so this is not working out so well (though I have to admit while Robert had boyish good looks in 1989, he really started to age in 1990. He got a bit overzealous with the Just For Men hair color). Plus, I will never be a world famous pianist whose fiance tries to mummify her (at least I hope not. And I mean that. Really.) therefore, I suppose I don't really need "saving."

Damn.

This is exactly why I'm still single. I will never find my Robert Scorpio.

About Jen's addiction: Jen is a recovering soap opera addict. After quitting GH in 1990, she took up "Days of Our Lives." For a period of time in the mid 1990s, Jen did both GH in "Days." In college, she had to cut back and, therefore, never scheduled a 1 p.m. class, thereby sealing her addiction to "Days" for the next five years (yes, five, not four). Eventually, Jen broke her soap opera addiction (it was called getting a big kid job and not having reliable VHS player). She had a brief relapse two years ago when her cable provider offered SoapNet for free for several months. Today, Jen leads a happy, normal life though she does use soaps recreationally on days off work and extended vacations. Jen does not, however, have a subscription to "Soap Opera Digest" and has not picked one up in at least 16 years. Jen should probably delete the You Tube app on her iPad if she wants to remain a normal, productive member of society.

My holiday letter - 2011 WINNING edition

Yes, I am just like "that friend" who failed to send her Christmas cards and sent New Year's cards instead because I am sharing this year's holiday letter with you after Christmas. In case you are wondering, I did not send Christmas or New Year's cards this year. But hey, at least I'm posting this before the new year! And P.S., my New Year's Resolution is to blog more, pinky swear!

Dear friends and family,

2011. 2011 was the year of Jen. Let's face it, it's all about me 24/7 because, well, who the hell else would it be about? My dog? My cats? Of course not - it's about me. This year, however, was more about me than usual. And (un)like Charlie Sheen, in 2011 I found myself WINNING and, on occasion, felt as though I too had "tiger blood" running through my veins. Ok, ok, no tiger blood. I took that one too far.

I found myself winning both literally and figuratively in 2011. This year I continued my running and surpassed my goal of finishing a half marathon by running three half marathons (including one to Canada and back!) and a 25k (that's 15.5 miles for you non-runners). All this running improved my physical and mental health. Im pleased to say I can once again shop at my holy trinity (J Crew, Banana Republic, Ann Taylor/Loft) and, let me you, I am a frequent customer. My credit card is not winning thanks to all the shopping but sorry, all my clothes were too big! I've longed for this problem for years. Now this is winning!

I lived out two childhood dreams in 2011. One involved a visit to a little place called The Magic Kingdom (more about that later) and the second a bit more obscure....I saw Wilson Phillips live in concert. Yes, the "Hold On" 90s girl group with those wicked harmonies. I love Wilson Phillips and their concert was everything 13 year old "Jenny" (call me that and die) imagined it would be. Totally winning!

Professionally, things couldn't be better. I'm a part of a national leadership development program, won two awards, got a promotion and am poised for bigger and better things in 2012. Most importantly, I truly love my job. Literally winning!

Sure, 2011 had some low points...finding a used condom in my yard, finding my basement flooded with sewage, chaining my air conditioning unit to the house for fear it would be stolen, countless flat tires, discovering my employer failed to take out the correct taxes for the city in which I reside, resulting in me owing over a THOUSAND dollars to said city (don't even get me started on this)...but hey, that's life! This year the good completely outweighed the bad.

I love to travel, and even though I'm still mad at Delta for breaking a wheel off a brand new piece of luggage at BWI this September, I enjoyed my travels. This year I made it to Atlanta (3 times), DC (twice), Chicago, Indiana (more times than I care to discuss but since I ran a half marathon in Indy I felt the need to mention it), New Orleans (where I got to be very American and celebrate the death of Osama bin Laden), New York (where I may have seen Jay Z....in his house) and Orlando (I am a Disney virgin no more! And yes, I was that creepy childless adult at Disney World hugging the characters).

Yes, I'm still childless...and single. And guess what? I'm ok with it! I may even marry myself in 2012. After all, I still need some basic home goods. Seriously, I just got my first crock pot. I'm 34. Why? Because I've never had a wedding shower to get one. I still need a toaster and toaster oven, a mixer and some more Kate Spade fine china. Plus, the last of my single friends are getting married next year and I'm feeling left out so yeah, I will probably marry myself next year just for the gifts. If that isn't WINNING I don't know what is.

Yes, I was WINNING in 2011 and I'm going to do everything I can to keep it going in 2012...even though I realize the whole "winning" thing is totally an out of date reference.

Happy New Year!

Jen

To quote Kathy Griffin....

Once again I've lowered myself to joining Match.com. The last go-round was a disaster and this one is proving to be the same. The only men interested in meeting me are: a) over 40 b) make less than $25,000 per year and work in food service ("Would you like to SuperSize that?") c) have a million children d) live at least 200 miles away e) all of the above. Meaning "e" my potential suitors are all of these, not just one each. I'm cancelling my membership - this is such a waste of my time!

My friend, we'll call her Jane, has had a much worse experience and should be the one cancelling her membership. Like me, Jane is well educated, is smart, career-driven, owns a dog and not originally from this area. Unlike me, Jane is super tall, thin and presumably makes big bucks at her super cool job. We met tonight for drinks to lament over the true fail that is Match.com.

Two days ago she was contacted by "Romanticmom34." The message was:

Hello. I believe my boyfriend is on here and his username is wingman2010. If you have received an email from him please let me know. If you can forward the email if he had contacted you to me.Thanks. Please do not say anything in regards to this. I need proof. Then he can be busted. Thanks.

Jane did not respond, hoping to avoid getting dragged in to some sort of backwoods, hillbilly (these people are from the sticks) brawl. And yes, "wingman2010" did contact her. However, since he has no education and probably no job she did not respond.

Today it got even better though....a guy contacted her with the message that he's not a "creeper but..." and proceeded to tell her he would love to give her some "oral" pleasure. For real. Hello, creeper, this isn't Yahoo! personals!

Seriously? Gross.

What is it? Why is it that men who have crappy jobs, live in the basements of their parents/friends/siblings and have zero personality can find great women (women who are, in fact, probably way too good to date them!) but women with great jobs, great homes and great personalities cannot find decent matches intellectually and educationally speaking? I just don't get it. Why are there so many great single women but no great single men over 30? I believe this is a line from an episode of "Sex and the City" but hello, it's my favorite TV show for a reason, that quote is dead on! Where are the great single men over 30? Oh, that's right...they're married! Or dead.

So, in the words of Kathy Griffin, I've said it before and I'll say it again....Match.com can "suck it." Wait, better not say that out loud...I bet if I put that on my profile Mr. Oral would come knocking at my door for sure.

Rage Against the Relationship

I do plan to tell you about my first night on “mobile patrol” with my neighborhood association. However, right now my inner single girl is raging and I need to channel my anger.


Relationship people – I am so over you. Yes, you. You people who have to do everything together. Heaven forbid you spend a weekend with your girlfriends. Heck, or even a night out to dinner or the bar without your significant other. Heaven forbid you invite your single friend to do things with you (meaning the collective you, not you as an individual because you as an individual barely exists anymore).

I don’t understand you people!

I have a college friend who has been married now for about ten years. She and her husband manage to maintain their individual identities despite the fact that they now have three children and a generally busy life. They have their own interests, do things as a couple, do things individually with their friends (and, gasp, they even take turns “babysitting” the kids even though I would argue if they are your children it is not called “babysitting” it is called “parenting.” Of course, because they a normal couple they don’t call it “babysitting” but say things like Mrs. W is “with the kids.”) and, they have a couple of people in their lives who are perpetually single (including a former friend of mine) and, gasp again, they invite them to do stuff like trips and cookouts. Why can’t you all be like this?!?!

I wish these two would write a book, write a blog, make some YouTube videos, something, anything on how to be a great couple and to keep your own identities!

There are others out there who manage this too, I am just raging so let me rage and don’t take this personally, ok?

Everyone grows up at some point. I get it. However, why do some people find it so difficult to make room in their lives for relationships and friends? Remember all those times before you found your soul mate (yes, relationship people, I am talking to you again) and all you had were your friends? Some of us are still there and we need our friends. So when your soul mate mates with a new soul and you’re all devastated about it and you come knocking at my door I’ll be here for you (well, for everyone except this former friend) because, unlike you, I have a strong identity- single or not single.

"Forget You, Cupid" the Sequel (in other words, Happy St. Patrick's Day!)

A few years ago my friend Heather wrote this and circulates it each year on Valentine's Day. She gave me permission to share with you - you will enjoy this!

"Years ago I gave up on St. Valentine.  I was sick and tired of seeing all the men and women that felt sub-standard because they were not with someone on Valentine's Day.  Sick and tired of feeling like I wasn't good enough for this guy who demanded romantic love from lonely people.  Wasn't love supposed to be every day?  Wasn't love supposed to be for everyone?  Why weren't we good enough?  This St. seemed like one sick cookie to me so I forsake his name.  In that resolution I realized one who didn't care who you were with or weren't with for that matter.  St. Patrick loves and accepts us all into his fold.  He will even grant you citizenship into Ireland if you aren't Irish.  He'll tint your beer green in welcome to this happy loving group of followers.  He has never rejected me or made me feel unwelcome even if I was alone!  So about 4 years ago I adopted my new saint for this unhappy day to give hope and love to Valentine's so called rejects.  For everyone, alone or coupled, I wish you all a very Happy Early St. Patrick's Day!  May you always see the world through green tinted glasses (of beer) and my you always feel loved by the greatest Saint of them all! "

In the words of Cee Lo - "Forget You," Cupid!

Yes, "Forget You" or, you know what, even better...in the not radio friendly version of Cee Lo's hit song "F*** You." And yes, Cupid, I'm talking to you.

Valentine's Day is upon us and, yet again, I am sans Valentine.

I went to my local superstore yesterday (no, NOT Wal-Mart - I have standards) and saw men frantically searching through the Valentine's Day flower displays, desperate to find the right gift for that special someone. I gave them kudos for thinking ahead...but also thought how I would not want a Valentine's Day gift from a superstore. Buying an orchid because it is buy one, get one free at the superstore (one for mom and one for girlfriend? Shewd move, superstore, good move.) seems like something these men were doing just to do, not in the name of Cupid, Valentine's Day or love.

Love doesn't come from a superstore and, I will reluctantly admit it doesn't come from Tiffany & Co. either...

I think it's all part of Cupid's devious plan. I bet that little bugger owns stock in all the superstores and jewelry stores in the country, not to mention the FTD and hell, I bet he is the true CEO of Hershey.

Well, Cupid, forget you. I refuse to play your reindeer games (ok, wrong holiday but that phrase makes me think of the classic movie "Heathers").

Forget yoooou, forget you!

Save the date? Part 2

"With the wedding quickly approaching, her save the dates have gone out. But not everyone from her old life received a save the date...in fact, her former friend - the (cool, hip) younger urban dweller who scorns chain restaurants - was left off the list, despite the fact that the two of them spent nearly five years of their lives being each other's go-to single gal pal. And after the snubbed friend discovered she was snubbed, she de-friended her former friend on Facebook and the two never spoke again. The End."

I established the Facebook part was an exaggeration. I thought the story would really end with, "and the two never spoke again." However, the world is a strange, strange place and, ironically, within days of the "Save the date?" blog post the Future Mrs. Old and Flabby contacted her former friend. This is where the story continues:

And then one day, rather unexpectedly, the Future Mrs. Old and Flabby reached out to her former friend via Facebook. In her message, she acted like she was simply picking up where she left the conversation off nearly a year and a half ago. The recipient was surprised. She thought the future Mrs. Old and Flabby had written her off, with no intention of even attempting to communicate again. As she read the message from her former friend, surprise turned to stunned which turned to anger. Basically, the wannabe soccer mom asked her former friend to join a club with her and participate in a recreational sport together for the several months leading up to the wedding. Since the culmination of the sport would take place mere weeks from the wedding, the bride-to-be clearly would only have wedding planning to talk about....with the former friend who is still not invited to the wedding.

The younger friend sent a response, declining the offer, wishing the bride-to-be luck and expressing disappointment for not receiving a save the date.

Several days later, a response arrived. It basically said the wedding is going to be a "small" one. It went on to say save the dates hadn't "even" gone to co-workers yet (so, "Our friendship was the equivalent, to her, of a work friendship?!?," thought the urban-dweller) and reiterated that they're trying to keep the wedding "small." Not even a suggestion that the recipient might make the round two invite cut.

The urban-dweller reflected. "Had we not talked on the phone several times a week? Did we not hang out on average once a week? For over five years?!?! Am I not recalling this correctly?" Realizing she was, indeed, remembering the friendship correctly, or at least the way she perceived it, she simply closed her laptop, took a deep breath and chose not to respond. The official end of a friendship - this is it. At least she got the closure she needed. It's much better than simply never hearing from someone. Clearly, the younger friend thought they were better friends than the older one thought...sad, but certianly not the end of the world. And with that, the younger one thought ahead to the New Year, filled with new possibilities and, hopefully, new (and true) friendships. The End.

My Holiday Letter - 2010 edition

It's that time of year! People have been asking me when I planned to post the 2010 edition of my holiday letter...and since I received only one holiday letter this year (clearly, last year's online holiday letter offended some!), I didn't have the inspiration I needed....until I received a BBM from Wiggy at 7 a.m. yesterday asking what time is "too early" to drink wine because the only beverage in her home that sounded appealing (at 7 a.m. if I failed to mention this) was Moscato. In Wiggy's world, it's always time for wine and wine does help the ink flow out of the pen (or in this case, the fingers hit the keys)...so here goes:

Dear Family and Friends,

Merry Christmas! This year I decided to stop saying "Happy Holidays" - not sure why, I haven't become uberCatholic or anything (though recently in a drunken state I allegedly said, "All people who aren't Catholic are crazy" - oops - I didn't really mean that....I believe some people who aren't Catholic are crazy), but I celebrate Christmas, as do most of my friends, so, Merry Christmas.

This year I took up running and am sitting on the couch right now nursing a random pain in my ankle. All the little veins in my foot are bulging out...I don't think this is a good so I am going to take it as a sign to not run today and to drink more wine. This running thing has been great for me! I weigh less (running burns major calories!), cry less (endorphins!) and...I drink less (except for today apparently). All true, really, I mean it. In fact, this year I ran six 5ks, a10k and am gearing up for a half marathon in Atlanta in March of 2011.


Work cut back on travel a bit this year but that didn't stop me from traveling the entire freaking state of Indiana (by car, with colleagues - something I would not recommend) as well as air travel to Salt Lake City (where my colleague/friend kept yelling "Sister Wife" as we wandered the grounds of the Mormon Temple...I totally thought the Mormon Secret Service was going to nab us for that!), New York City (I only spent 1.5 days there but made the most of every second I didn't have to work), Atlanta (where my "Sister Wife" yelling colleague/friend and I were almost the victims of a mugging), Houston (Texas - never been a fan, sorry), Washington, D.C. (where I finally made it to the Newseum) and, of course, my not so glorious return to Missouri, where I escaped accident free and got to see my dear friend Emily!
 
While in Atlanta I fell in love...no, not with Usher or some rapper....with a handbag. Yes, Kate Spade's Bow Regard Maryanne. Unfortunately, she's way out of my price range, especially after the events of recent days which leads me to update you on....
 
My "children."  I would prefer not to discuss them at this moment but, what the hell. Lucy and LuLu decided ('cause they totally did this on purpose) to get sick with completely different cat sicknesses and in the last three weeks I have spent just over $1,000 at the vet. Yes, you read that correctly - $1k. I could have purchased two and half Bow Regard Maryannes for that!! And then there's Gracie - my happy go-lucky German Shepherd. Crime is up in the 'hood (I promise to give you a year end crime summary for the one mile radius around my house....and by the way, if you ever need crack I can tell you exactly where to go!) so I am thankful my dog looks menacing but let me tell you, if someone broke in the house she'd just jump on them and kiss them.

This year more friends got married, got engaged, got knocked up, opted to live in sin (oops - crazy Catholic emerging again) and I stayed single and not knocked up (and most certainly any sins I committed did not involve co-habitation). I'm convinced there are no normal single men out there, so I intend to stay single because I refuse to affix myself to some socially inept freak with a GED who makes $25,000 per year. Do you think I am joking? Go to match.com and try, just try, to find a single man over 30 with a Bachelor's degree or higher - THEY'RE NOT THERE because they're all married already! Not to mention, $25,000 per year is not enough to support my Kate Spade habit! Speaking of living single, I saw an episode of Oprah featuring some Michigan nuns and had a fleeting thought of joining them because I bet American Express would forgive my mounting credit card debt if I were a nun (crazy Catholic or shrewd financial move?)  but when I saw footage of them "marrying" Jesus I decided to chuck that idea. (Seriously, they "marry" Jesus?? How have I been a lifelong Catholic and not realized? It creeps me out. Sorry, sisters, it just does).

Once again this year I managed to not step foot in a Toys R' Us, Target or any other store that sells "hot toys" this holiday season (I am sure "hot toys" are sold in my 'hood but they're a different type of "hot" if you know what I mean and, get your mind out of the gutter, by "hot" I mean stolen!). The local news said today will be the second busiest shopping day of the year after Black Friday so best of luck to you if you still have shopping to do  - I am curled up with my Winter White wine from Leelenau Cellars, my "fireplace" is on (it's fake but whatever) and my $1,000 cats and crazy dog are curled up nearby. While some homes will be buzzing with children running around screaming and hopped up on candy it will be a silent night at casa de Jen. The single life is STILL all it's cracked up to be!

Love you and MERRY CHRISTMAS! -Jen

Save the date?

There's a situation I've been longing to blog about but have refrained for many reasons. I can no longer keep my mouth shut but will tread lightly in telling this story for it is no urban legend. Sadly, everything I am about to share is indeed true:

Once upon a time there were two single women living in the city. These two women shared a mutual friend in college, and became good friends after both moved to a new city across the state from where they grew up. Both lived downtown (until one fled to the suburbs in hopes that living in suburbia would help her realize her dream of being a soccer mom) and both were often shunned by their married friends for being single. These two women spent many a Valentine's Day together and went to dinners, bars, festivals, movies on a regular basis. Both struggled with their weight, which made them basically "undate-able" in the very superficial world they (and we) live in. They talked on the phone nearly every day - telling tales of work drama and mutual friend drama.

While they had a lot in common, they were also very different. The younger woman believed in things like helping her community and scorning chain restaurants, whereas the other believed in...well, the mall. These different philosophies caused some tension from time to time, but nothing insurmountable. Even after the older one moved to a condo in the suburbs they remained friends. The pair also had different philosophies on dating. The older one was always on the lookout for "the husband (she) hasn't met yet" while the other believed if it's meant to be it's meant to be and if it's not, it's not. Both had insecurities about entering the dating world.

Eventually, both gained some confidence and ventured into the wacky world of online dating because neither was the type of girl to get hit on at a bar - both needed some extra help in that department. In the beginning, they shared stories about bad dates and the crazy profiles of men they encountered online. Then, one day, the older one told what was certainly one of the worst first date stories ever! She met up with a guy she was matched with on eHarmomy and on their first date he looked at her and called her "chubby." Yes, chubby. And, by the way, this man was estimated to be about a decade older than her, and did not exactly have the abs of Ryan Reynolds...or even Jack Black for that matter. The friends gathered around for this story, as well as the waitress at the restaurant serving their table, all told her to forget the guy and move on. The conversation turned to other people at the table and other topics and the evening progressed into a fun girl's night out.

And that was the last time the older one was seen or heard from again. Well, for the most part. It turns out she didn't run from Mr. Old and Flabby. In fact, they eventually moved in together and got engaged. She cut her friends out of her life to date and now marry the man who called her chubby on their first date. With the wedding quickly approaching, her save the dates have gone out. But not everyone from her old life received a save the date...in fact, her former friend - the (cool, hip) younger urban dweller who scorns chain restaurants - was left off the list, despite the fact that the two of them spent nearly five years of their lives being each other's go-to single gal pal. And after the snubbed friend discovered she was snubbed, she de-friended her former friend on Facebook and the two never spoke again. The End.

OK, so the "de-friending" may be an exaggeration but the story needed to wrap up!

The moral of the story, kids? Don't ditch your friends when you get into a relationship. And, if you do, at least invite the people who supported you through your single years to your wedding to celebrate your new life, even if you have no intention of continuing the friendship. After all, these are the people who supported you through some of the most difficult times of your life and should be included in your special day, if for no other reason to have closure to your friendship and to wish you best of luck in your new life as Mrs. Old and Flabby!

"My kid's just gonna be going for candy..."

A friend and I attended a local event called the "Santa Parade" this weekend. This event attracted all types of people from our city, including --of course-- families since the headliner was Santa Claus. However, attending this event with children was certainly not a prerequisite for snagging a spot along the parade route.

My friend and I planned ahead, arriving early enough to claim a prime spot on the sidewalk near the start of the parade route. Nice families set up chairs on each side of us, including one poor dad with five small children (I don't know how he managed that-but he managed it well!).

All was fine and dandy until the start of the parade....that's when a guy with a young daughter asked if he could get in front of us with his daughter so she could see. He was nice and she was a little kid so of course we accommodated. However, I was a little irritated....I wondered why he chose us...but whatever, it was time to enjoy the parade.

As the parade started, I noticed it was one of those events where people walking with floats throw candy out to kids.

About one second after the first Tootsie Roll was tossed, this asshole guy with his daughter came barreling through, practically shoving my friend and, as he brushed passed us said, "Yeah...my kid's just gonna be going for candy the whole time so we're just gonna stand here" and proceeded plant himself and child DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF US.

At least this other guy asked!

Asshole's wife stood behind us and said nothing. Eventually some of her skanky friends showed up and the ridiculous amount of perfume one of the skanks was wearing (probably b/c she hosed herself in her fave Victoria's Secret body spray after an all night bender at the bar) was so overwhelming it drove the family of the guy who asked to get in front of us (and who, by the way, sat on the curb as not to obstruct our view) away.

As the parade progressed, people came and went and we had room to move a few steps over to have an unobstructed view. However, the whole thing was incredibly irritating. What, I can't go and enjoy a community event because I don't have a kid with me? Why did two dads choose my friend and I to cut in front of? Why didn't they find a spot where they could squeeze in further down the parade route? What makes them entitled to take the spot I arrived early to claim? If you want a spot on the curb near the start of the route then arrive early like I did!

Bah Humbug to Asshole Dad....I hope Santa puts a lump of coal in your stocking!

A trip down the stairs and an all time low

"And I'd finally die fat and alone, and be found three weeks later, half eaten by wild dogs." - Bridget Jones

Many single girls have this fear - dying alone (and fat) and not being found. I'll admit this fear creeps to mind every now and then.

Today, it almost became a reality.

Yes, after what has been one crappy week after another this month, I hit an all time low today when I slipped and fell down the stairs in my home. That's right - like a frail old lady. Boom, boom,boom -there I went down eight steps! Thankfully my stairs turn mid-point and the turn stopped me from going down all 16 steps.

Once I stopped I just laid there not moving, with a death grip on my BlackBerry, in pain and in tears.

The jury is still out on this numbness in my right hand and arm (can't be good, right?) and these shooting pains I am now feeling in my hip, right butt cheek and right shoulder....but I am just thankful I fell backward and not forward.

Seriously, peeps, if I fell forward I would not be typing this right now. I'd be lying there dead, unconscious or paralyzed. Since I live alone and keep a crazy work schedule and already talked to my mom and sister today no one would look for me until at least Friday...and that's only because I have plans to run a holiday themed 5k with a friend that night.

By that time Gracie the dog would get hungry and would start munching on my cold, dead corpse. And then the cats would join in. That's even worse than being eaten by wild dogs!

I would be a punchline on the local evening news: "Spinster's corpse eaten by pets!"

While still on the stairs I BBMed my friend Emily to let her know about my mishap. She's local and has a key to my house. I didn't need assistance...but I just needed someone to know I totally could have just died!

I know, I know, I'm being a total drama queen....but it's a little freaky.

Tonight I'll thank my lucky stars I fell backward rather than forward and hope I don't wake up with a forearm the width of a basketball. I bet I will have some wicked bruises on my back tomorrow! In the mean time, I am going to sit here and watch "Bridget Jones's Diary."

Oh God, I really am Bridget Jones. Shoot.

"Have you got a boyfriend? A real one?" - Bridget's dad to Bridget....yes, I could see my dad asking me this...if I actually had a boyfriend - that is.

Don't buy me Old Maid cards, ok?

This month I will turn thirtysomething....my math is a little fuzzy here and that's intentional.

Lately I've been feeling a little "left behind." No, I am not talking about "The Rapture" unless you define "The Rapture" as a time when Jesus comes and steals away all your single friends, and you're left dateless and friendless on a Saturday night.

Because I am admittedly a smidge self-centered, I can't quite wrap my head around the concept of planning my life around someone besides, well, me! These relationship people are killing me! If I hear, "Oh, sorry, Mr. X has that day off work so I can't  (fill in the blank)." or "Oh, sorry, Mr. X and I have plans with (fill in the blank of a couple) for that day," or, the one that's really irking me these days, "Oh, sorry, I can't talk right now. Mr. X and I are watching tv together on the couch." Really? Gag.

Let me say, I have plenty of friends who are able to function like normal human beings while in relationships (and I heart them, I do - and appreciate the fact they can have a relationship and friends!). But, for those who are not I have a question: Why do you people continue to put all your eggs in these relationship baskets (no reproductive pun intended)? There are two possible outcomes for your situation: A). You two will break up and then you will come running back to your friends for entertainment. B) You two will get married and be stuck with each other for the rest of your lives, and eventually you will come running back to your friends for entertainment as an escape from your beloved.

At my "advanced age" I should be totally used to couples, I've been surrounded by them since middle school. I suppose I just need to find some new single friends in my age bracket (because really, it's easier to find new friends than to find a boyfriend - at least when you are me!)....but that's much easier said than done (but still easier than dating).

Tonight I decided an episode of my all time favorite TV show would cheer me up. So, I popped in "Luck Be an Old Lady Tonight" (Season 5 of SATC). The girls couldn't get together for Charlotte's birthday because of boyfriends, babies, etc. and Carrie took matters into her own hands, delivering the best line of the episode: "Are you telling me the four of us can't get together to celebrate Charlotte's thirty-faux birthday? This is bull shit!"

Amen, Carrie.  That IS bullshit. This year, like Charlotte, I am sticking to my age. I don't need to get any older. In fact, I'd rather celebrate my 25th or 26th birthday again but I suppose I will have to go with sticking. I don't think I can pass for under 30 anymore anyway.

And while I loved the card game "Old Maid" as a child, I would prefer not to receive any decks of "Old Maid" cards for my birthday. After all, "old maid" is a "game" I play daily!