My Holiday Letter

I've been reading all those holiday letters that accompany Christmas cards (I didn't even send Christmas cards this year) and it got me thinking what my holiday letter would look like this year....

Dear Family and Friends,

I hope this letter finds you happy and healthy. As I type this, I  am polishing off a bottle of Two Buck Chuck (Merlot - I went for the heavy stuff) so I am feeling just dandy! My fingers and lips are a little tingly - but this shouldn't take too long!

Despite my yo-yo dieting and acid reflux, I am a happy and healthy thirtysomething. Seriously, my doctor told me I have "A+" cholesterol...I am not sure why she seemed so surprised as she said it but whatever.

2009 started off wonderfully with a fun night out with my friends at our favorite local dive bar (Kale's Korner). That night we met a midget (don't ask) who introduced us to these fabulous Kale's specialty drinks called the Orange Kiss and Purple Kiss and well, our lives haven't been the same since. We enjoy these drinks (available as a shot or a mixed drink) regularly now and this really has enriched our lives at the bar. We're regulars there but we also frequent the Birch Lodge, Logan's Alley, Republic/Rockwells, the BOB (reluctantly), Kopper Top...ok, you get my drift.

I saw several concerts this year including Counting Crows, Madonna (that bitch was three hours LATE for her own concert), Jimmy Buffett (as usual) and Rascal Flatts. Additionally, I reluctantly participated in stalking a celebrity while in New York City.
 
I traveled quite a bit for work: Atlanta, Dallas, Denver, Washington, D.C....I know I am missing some others in there. Since my local airport parking situation has been "under construction" (read new parking ramp being built that will result in more expensive parking fees) I can't tell you how much I have enjoyed getting to the airport HOURS early for these trips to catch the shuttle to the terminal! Twice, in fact, I had to literally run after the shuttle after it passed me by. It was really special. Thankfully, since I know people everywhere (practically) I used those trips to catch up with friends. In addition to seeing my friend Ashley in Dallas I also discovered that airport has a wine bar where you can actually taste wine on a layover or while waiting for a flight - who knew?
 
My "children" also keep me busy. Lucy is now 8, LuLu is 5 and Gracie is a busy body at 2.5 years. Not too much new to report about Lucy and LuLu...I mean, they're cats. They eat, sleep and poop. And run away from Gracie. Speaking of Gracie, she's just a...little angel. This year she managed to eat the television remote control, a hardcover copy of "Marley and Me" and...well, she almost ate a neighborhood Chiuaua. So, I enrolled my little angel in "special ed" and after eight weeks of classes (for what I spent on those damn classes I could have bought a new Kate Spade purse) she is marginally better than she was before.
 
Being a homeowner keeps me busy too. As a single woman, being a homeowner is....special. I live for Thursday nights when I get to take out the trash - as well as Sundays in the non-winter months when I get to mow the lawn! Oh, the joy! Oh, and don't get me started on how much I love shoveling feet of snow off my sidewalk and driveway as the asshole with the snowthrower two doors down only clears his little section of the sidewalk. Pure joy, I tell you, pure joy!

I wish all of you the best this holiday season. Best of luck with your holiday shopping. Personally, I am thrilled I don't have brave Toys R Us or similiar stores in search of a Zhu Zhu pet or the like. Good luck with that. I am going to curl up with my "cocoa" (fresh bottle of wine), pop in a DVD of "Sex and the City" or maybe my life story "Bridget Jones's Diary," drunk dial some friends and Facebook on my BlackBerry. The single life IS all it's cracked up to be!

Your friend,
Jen

A picture is worth a thousand words

If I were really fabulous, I would not hang out at a place like Kale's Korner.

Kale's (I pronounce it Cal's because apparently my water-downed Michigan accent won't let me say "Kale's") is a dive bar about 8 blocks from my house. They have karaoke on Saturday nights so that is usually when you will find me and my crew there. And every time we go, there's something interesting happening....

I could tell you many interesting stories of people we've seen and things we've witnessed, but I'll let the photos do the talking.

What is wrong with this photo?

Or this one? This woman is flat ironing another woman's hair. At the bar. Because she just "didn't have time" to do if before she left. If you had ever been to Kale's you would know how absurd this is since there is never a line to get in!

A bus load of drunken Santas and slutty elves:

A slutty elf accosting a guy she did not know while he karaoked:

Dude, it's 15 degrees out!

Just a nightmare!

I should not have written the word nightmare twice before I went to sleep last night because, oh man, did I have a heck of a nightmare!

This week has been particularly stressful, both personally and professionally. When I am stressed I tend to have vivid dreams.

Last night I dreamt I was on top of a high rise in New York. At the top of the building was a round above ground pool. I somehow ended up in the pool. And I was not alone. In with me....I can only describe it as "Jaws." A giant great white shark who was ready for dinner.

Suddenly, my sister was in the water with me and "Jaws" took a lunge at her so I pushed her out of the way and the shark started snacking on me. The water was pink because of the blood pouring out of my body, I could see its teeth ripping in to my legs. I screamed and I could feel myself swallowing water. Suddenly my cat Lucy was floating in the water and "Jaws" left me to do devour Lucy in one gulp.

The upshot? At least Beyonce was not in my dream. "Wiggy" would have been really jealous, maybe even mad! Even if it meant that part of the time I was being eaten by a shark.

Additionally, I totally know who "Jaws" represented...and this person better watch out. In 2010 I am going to go all Chief Brody on their ass!!

P.S. "Jaws" was my favorite movie as a child. Disturbing, I know.

A sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare? Or just a nightmare?

"Wiggy" and I had a discussion about Beyonce earlier this week.

Shocking, I know.

I made "Wiggy" a photo collage of our trip to "visit" Beyonce in New York. She proudly displays it on her desk at work so I see it every day.

Anyway, we were reminiscing and wondering if her bodyguard remembers us. I would imagine we were tough to forget. Especially "Wiggy," Century 21 shopping bag in hand staring up, mouth gaping at the open window on the top floor of the building (FYI - it's only a four story building).

Then we joked about how we would have totally been on CNN if her bodyguard would have tased us.

I think a lightbulb went off in "Wiggy's" head - her original plan for her next trip to NYC was to have a helicopter or airplane let her parachute out and onto the roof of Beyonce's building....but I think she may be contemplating this getting tased option.

If I blog that I am going to NYC with "Wiggy" any time in the near future please do me a favor and remind me not to go!

Thanksgiving score board

Number of times my mom witnessed bad driving and blamed it on "texting"....1

Number of times during Thanksgiving dinner discussion centered on what Ch 4 in Detroit "found" on money (think e coli, feces, etc.)....2

Number of times above conversation led to conversation about finding cocaine on money....1

Number of times my sister's mother-in-law talked about not sneezing when sniffing a bill with cocaine residue and therefore, proving she is not a coke head....1

Number of glasses of wine I personally consumed over a three day period....at least 6, make it 8...maybe more?

The wine-o and I know...

Today was an especially challenging work day.

I needed to pick up a few things at my neighborhood grocery store as I made my way home and decided some sort of alcoholic beverage should top the list.

Upon entering the store I made a bee-line for the wine aisle.

Desperate for wine, any wine...so much to choose from but could not make a decision which delicious bottle to buy. OK, I will admit it, I just wanted to buy (and drink) it all.

An elderly woman was looking at the wine but she clearly did not have the sense of urgency I had as I stood there wishing I had carried my corkscrew with me...

Other people were shopping the wine aisle but clearly, I was in "the zone."

She stopped me and asked if I would help her. I wasn't sure what she needed help with but I am a sucker for little old ladies and little old men so OF COURSE I would help her!

A friend (presumably another little old lady) sent her to the store for some "white wine" and she wasn't sure what to buy. Her friend was having some "chest pain" and someone told her wine would cure it.

Wine cures everything! These are my type of old ladies! That's advice I would give someone!

She wanted to know the difference between the Pinot Grigio and the Moscato bottles she had in each hand. This woman did not realize she had hit the jackpot! Since I've personally had both types of this particular brand I was a total wine expert! And bonus, the little bottles were 10 for $10! She wanted to buy the little bottle...though personally, if it were me, I would hope my friend would buy the jumbo size...so I did direct her to the larger bottles but she was happy with her small bottle choice and went on her merry way, thanking me for my help.

Who knew my love of drinking (wine) would help me help an old lady?

Goin' rogue in GR

The national media descended upon Grand Rapids today as Sarah Palin kicked off her book tour.

Love her or hate her, Palin is "going rogue," visiting all the "right" smaller cities and towns (pun intended) so it is most appropriate Michigan's hotbed of conservatism is her first stop.

Ah, Sarah Palin. I can't help but think "Tina Fey" when I see her!

I toyed with the idea of "going rogue." I love politics and enjoy meeting political figures, regardless of their politics. So when the radio kicked on this morning and I heard my favorite morning show (and fellow Central Michigan University alums) had sent Producer Joe to the bookstore to "cheerlead" for Sarah Palin I knew I had to be there (this is a MUST listen by the way!).

Producer Joe quickly won the crowd over with his megaphone and zest. He started out by declaring his love for Sarah Palin and America then cheering "When I say 'Levi Johnston' you say 'douche bag.'"

In fact, people in line near me actually believed he was legit, despite the fact he yelled, "When I say 'teenage'" you say 'pregnancy'" and tricked the crowd with his cheer "When I say 'pro' you say 'choice.'" They actually played along.Then they realized their faux pas. And boo'ed. To which he responded "Suckers!"

Shortly thereafter the sun started rising and mall security escorted Producer Joe off the premises.  It was then that I truly realized what was happening. Producer Joe (who introduced himself as "Joe Six Pack" - of course) won over the crowd despite the fact no one really knew who he was...hmmm...that sounds familiar.

And daylight shed light on the masses around me. And it wasn't pretty.

I haven't seen that much flannel in one place since I saw Pearl Jam in concert. In 1994. When grunge was TRENDY.

And the cammo...don't even get me started.

People were dirty. I don't mean rolled out of bed dirty I mean, dirty-clothes-with-holes-and greasy-smelly-hair-teeth-as-yellow-as-butter dirty. I hope Sarah Palin brought some Lysol along with her hand sanitizer!  I always wonder why poor people vote conservative but I digress...

At one point I was directly across from the "stereotypical" conservatives. It did ease my mind to see them there. This was more of what I expected. They all looked like Alex P. Keaton and were talking about how "liberals" send "plants" to events like this and were trying to figure out who the "liberal plants" were. Suddenly, I started to squirm. As they cast their eyes in my direction I suddenly felt like I had forgotten to take my Hillary in 2008 2012 button off my coat. I quickly averted my eyes. "Maybe if I don't move they won't notice me," I thought. It seemed to work. Whew.

Soon another "Producer Joe" type came on the scene but it was not a joke.

This woman was priceless. Check her out...that's her in the red sweatshirt and running pants.

She declared she was a "temporary reporter" for a local AM station, despite the fact she had no microphone, no credentials, no pen and no paper. Hmmm. But what happened? People flocked to her! The old ladies next to me in line were enthralled (just as they were with Producer Joe). This woman was not a reporter! Even an intern would have had a pen and paper. And yet, this crowd...for some strange reason...believed her and played along....without knowing much about her. Hmmmm.

Then some guy who had already made it through the line and had his wristband (oh yeah, because after you stood in line for hours you would have to come back and do it all over again to meet Palin and get your book signed) yelled at my section of the line, "Are you waiting for your Obama money? You're in the Obama money line!"

Suddenly we were approached by a woman looking like she walked out of 1976 (huge glasses, feathered hair and all) peddling Palin in 2012 pins. For real? I suppose it's capitalism at it's finest.

The entire time this little ditty kept going through my head..."I built me a bridge it ain't goin' nowhere...oooh"

Finally I realized I did not belong. I felt like the Alex P. Keatons were giving me the stink eye for not laughing at the "Obama money" joke (because it was sooo funny? because half the people there looked like they are receiving "Obama money?") and I realized I sure as hell had no intention to come back and stand in line again later tonight with these people.

So I left. I was disoriented and cold. And then it hit me...I totally got what I came for. Cable news networks are no longer fair and balanced. Fox News would have reported there were 10,000 people there while TJ on CNN weekend mornings would have declared his undying love for Obama, said no one was there and people were protesting Sarah Palin. I went and saw it first hand. We often hide behind televisions and computer screens rather than getting up and getting involved.

Yes, I am being judgmental (teeth the shade of butter? Low blow, even for me). I told you people I am a total bitch and I'm ok with it. But, after standing in the cold for two hours I feel like I have some credibility to share my experiences.

Sarah Palin...love her, hate her. Regardless, I give her credit for putting herself out there and for the example she sets as a woman who has the family and the career. I just really hope for that little baby's sake (what's his name? Trigg? Track? Trek? Tic? Tac? I can't remember) she packed the Lysol and Purell because there was a whole lotta nasty out there in the flock crowd.