Police academy week 1 (no, I didn't fire a taser)

So, I didn't get to fire a taser...but I did see a police officer discharge one!

Yes, I'm just back from my first week of police academy.

Tonight was more of an orientation, hearing from the captains from the different sections of the city, getting an overview of the program, etc. However, there were a few great nuggets. For example, I learned from the captain for my quadrant of the city that it is the "busiest" (polite term for the most calls to the police). Luckily, while we are the busiest, we do not have the most serious crimes - the homicide capital is another quadrant of the city. Makes sense, we have the drugs, the breaking and enterings, larceny, etc. You know, normal crime.

I also learned there are 11,000 people in my city of 200,000 with outstanding warrants out for their arrest. Wow. Beware on match.com, ladies. Just saying - the odds are good that if you go on enough first dates in this city that you are going to date a criminal.

Additionally, I learned about the topics for the next nine weeks. Next week we're going to learn about traffic stops and procedures AND will get to "drive" a police car. OK, "drive" will probably mean just in the parking lot but hey, how fun will that be? Week eight will be about Vice Squad (drugs and hos - oh yeah) and week nine, according to Gerri (who, by the way, was the super star of the class because all the cops know her. This is because it is her second time in the class and she was chosen to participate again even though they only took 30 of the 150+ applicants. She's a rock star.), will be the highlight of the program because we get to go in a simulator and shoot people. I know Gerri is counting down the days until Tuesday of week nine. She also advised me to request to do my ride along in the homicide section of the city because that's where I'll see the most action.

Now, if I can just get my hands on a taser...

Accepted!

My instinct was correct. Guess who has been accepted to Citizen Police Academy (CPA)? You guessed it!

The training starts TONIGHT.

I'm totally pumped. Sure, I'm actually totally exhausted because I'm training for a marathon (which is taking up crucial blogging time, sorry, readers!) and work is busy as always but this is going to be a goldmine of blog topics - at least I hope it will!

First class is tonight from 6:30 - 10 PM (talk about hard core). I'm looking forward to seeing Gerri and my fellow wannabe vigilantes in just an hour or so.

I'll be sure to keep you posted on "CPA!"

Condemned

The house across the street has been condemned. The house next door is foreclosed and should be condemned as the ceilings in the living room have caved in, presumably from water damage when the house was not winterized. FML.

I bet I couldn't even GIVE my house away at this point.

Let's see - any takers?

Police Academy (and no, not the movie)

Since I live in a crime infested neighborhood, I have a vested interest in keeping up with the happenings around me. You know, the usual stuff like larceny, robbery, selling crack, etc.

Tonight I attended a neighborhood association meeting about improving the business districts in our corner of the city. I had a blast. We had the opportunity to draw on massive maps of the 'hood and point out the good and, in more cases than not, the not so good. The spot with the most "not good" notations, you ask? The infamous Family Pantry (no surprise there.)!

While there, our community organizer told me about an opportunity she believes to be right up my alley: Citizen Police Academy.

This is a ten week program (talk about hard core) where "citizens" (me!) will learn about topics such as:
-Crime mapping/analysis (you know how I love my daily crime alert emails!)
-Crime scenes / forensics (I can see it now, "CSI Grand Rapids")
-Patrol Operations (I already do Mobile Watch, why not make it more official?)
-Use of Force (I'm envisioning the tazer scene in "The Hangover.")
-Traffic stops (I drive like a bat out of hell through this city - only good can come from this!)

And.....drumroll.....

-Ride-a-long

True! Each participant will be given the opportunity to ride with an officer for one shift (mine better be cute, in his 30s and single).

Now, they don't just let any old schlep off the street do this. You have to, well, not be a criminal (check), must be at least 21 (check plus, plus, plus) and you need to apply and have good references. Both of my community organizers already offered to be my references so I thinking I'm in.

Later this evening, a board member sent me a text telling me I MUST apply so I told her I plan to and she offered to be a reference. She happens to be the manager of a Walgreen's in a most unfortunate location in our 'hood so she has the po po on speed dial and they are tight!

To cap off my night, my favorite gun toting octogenarian Gerri called me. She caught wind that I want to do the academy. She has done it before and wants a refresher (If you ask me think she's trolling for a hot, young cop and is looking to sharpen her shooting skills at the same time). She is thrilled I want to do this so she's "putting in a call" for me tomorrow.

So, yeah, hate to sound cocky but...I've got this. I am so going to be in the next Citizen Academy class. My crime fighting career continues (I know, you too wish you lived in a crime infested neighborhood so you could have such opportunities. Not everyone is as lucky as I am.)!

And, who knows, maybe I'll get to do my ride-a-long with a real life Robert Scorpio!

West Coast Jen the Third? (Or how I said "No" to Ricki Lake)

I turned down an opportunity to make my national TV debut.

My job has put me on local TV from time to time but nothing like this.

A staff person from the Ricki Lake show contacted me after stumbling across the blog. No joke! I edited the email address and phone number but here's the message:

Hi There, Jen!

I'm messaging you from the Ricki Lake Show office in Los Angeles. I stumbled across your blog, and thought you might be a good fit in a segment we are working on. We are looking for a single woman who doesn't necessarily want to change up a lifestyle of certain luxuries- going out with friends, mani/pedis, shopping, Starbucks etc... But still sweats it out until the next paycheck. I'd love to talk to you more about it if you have a few moments today. I can be reached via e-mail at name@therickilakeshow.com or on the office line: 310.XXX.XXXX.

Thanks so much! Hope to hear from you soon!

-Name

Ricki's staff person is on it - I do fit the bill. However, taking my single, broke and not so fabulous life on a national talk show is not my style. Though it would have been super fun (who doesn't love Ricki Lake?? "Hairspray" was amazing!)! Then again, I would have been in L.A. and could have found Cali Jen (and Cali Jen #2 for that matter). I mean, if I found Beyonce for Wiggy in NYC, finding a non celebrity with my name should be a breeze, right?

Ah, c'est la vie. It would have been fun. Crap. Now I'm wondering if Ricki would have given me some free Kate Spade swag or something.

I'm still thinking if I'm going to go for TV, I'm totally going for "The Price Is Right." Occasionally they give away Kate Spade luggage and bags....to go along with a fabulous trip somewhere. Heaven knows I am in desperate need of a real vacation!

Will the real Jen please stand up?

You may recall that I get the emails for another Jen from time to time (I called her West Coast Jen in my last post on this topic). This has led me to wildly speculate about Cali Jen (shorter to type than West Coast Jen) and her life.

After a lull the emails are back!

Remember Emma? Well, I recived a link to Emma's first ballet recital! There she is! She is much younger than I imagined and she looks harmless - not like a child who needs an entire "team" but what do I know?

Watching the video I had to wonder, was the whole clan there? Team Emma, Jen, Leslie, Brad? Maybe Stephanie? Clearly Brad was there because he filmed it. Where was Jen? If this is her daughter was she there or was this some way of throwing it in her face that she wasn't there? This inquiring mind wants to know (clearly I have a lot of time on my hands this week).

By now I know the key players in Cali Jen's life - Brad, Leslie, Emma, etc. but who the hell is Naama?

This is new.

Naama is meeting with Cali Jen, Brad and Leslie and someone named Sherri. I'm thinking Naama works at Emma's school based on her email address. However, she and Jen must be tight because today she sent Cali Jen an email with the subject: Fwd: great yoga pose (see below).

"The Bridge Pose is a powerful tonic for body and mind. It provides an invigorating stretch for the chest, neck and spine. Traditionally, its benefits are said to also include:

• Calming the mind and alleviating stress and mild depression
• Stimulating abdominal organs, lungs and thyroid
• Rejuvenating tired legs
• Improving digestion
• Relieving the symptoms of menopause
• Reducing anxiety, fatigue, backache, headache and insomnia

It is also held to be a therapeutic for asthma, high blood pressure, osteoporosis and sinusitis. See how to do the Bridge Pose."

So, I decided to Google Cali Jen once again. Last time I did this I think I figured out what she does and where she lives. This time I found a person with the same first and last name who works where Naama works - totally different background. Could it be...a third Jen? No, no way. So, maybe Jen is on Team Emma has a teacher and not as her parent. This may explain who Lucy is....maybe Lucy is Cali Jen's daughter? Or Cali Jen #2's daughter?

Based on my Googling (or as Wiggy would call it my "white girl stalking skills) I am convinced there are two Cali Jens with my name. And somehow, both are connected.

If Jen works with Naama, why would Naama email her a yoga pose at her (my) Gmail address? Why not just send it to the work account?

Between the vision therapy, yoga, Neruo Fit, the NBC affiliate (and did I mention Brad apparently works in Beverly Hills?) this is all feeling very Hollywood.

Especially for a girl on staycation sitting on her couch watching a "Pretty Little Liars" marathon to beat the heat. Then again, I always love a good soap opera and this certainly feels like one.

Broke, broken, brokest

What do my cell phone, washing machine, garage door, front storm door, main bathroom plumbing and bank account all have in common?

They're all "broke."

Seriously, I don't understand how so many things can break (or in the case of my storm door be warped from someone trying to pry it open) at the same time. Thank goodness I no longer have that horrible Sebring because it would most certainly be broken right now too. In fact, wherever it is, I bet it is broken.

The phone, for example, has been in my possession for less than three weeks (and how/why I had to get a new phone is a whole other saga, let me tell you) and is defective. So I'm sitting here in my home waiting on UPS to deliver a new one because Ilive in the ghetto, so if I were not here to get it I guarantee it would not be here upon my arrival. Particularly because someone recently tried to pry my storm door open and left it flapping in the breeze, damaging it to the point where I have to slam my whole body against it to shut. However, today while preparing for UPS to arrive I discovered I can no longer open the storm door. It is simply stuck. I stood there pushing, pulling and finally giving up. Seriously, I feel like those cats at animal shelters stuck behind plexiglass. Meow.

So here I am with dirty clothes, a dirty car because I can't put it in my garage, a half working phone and a bathroom with a leak...my face is smashed against the stubborn glass storm door, a sheer look of desperation on my face. Somebody please bring me some wine. Or tequila. You can pass it to me through one of my windows. Just not the kitchen ones because those are broken too.