The infamous annual holiday letter

Since the world didn't end, it's time for the 2012 edition of Jen's Christmas letter:

Dear Friends and Family,

Merry Christmas! I'm saying that more since an outing with my college friend Liz. She sported a button while we were out with some other college friends that said, "It's ok to say Merry CHRISTmas," so, I guess it's ok to say. Because the button she got at church said so...yeah....anyway....

2012. Wow - where is the time going? This year flew by and really, I can sum up the events of the year with one word: Run. I didn't blog much about it because I didn't want to be one of "those" people (that's what I used Facebook for), but this year I trained for and completed my first full marathon. Marathon training was all consuming. Seriously, particularly in the last month, I was obsessed. Everything in my life - what I ate, what I drank, how much I slept, even (gasp) work - revolved around marathon training. This experience changed my life (in a good way). I cried like a baby when I crossed that finish line after 26.2 grueling miles. Afterward, I went to the home of my parents where I sat in an ice bath for 30 minutes, then moved to a recliner where my ice and icy hot slathered body experienced pain like I've never imagined. It hurt to breathe. I looked at my mom at one point and said, "I know I've never given birth, but I guarantee you, this is worse than giving birth" (really? Clearly I'm no expert on birthing anything.). Like childbirth, the pain is now a vague memory and I am already signed up for my next full marathon (Because, like people with multiple children, I'm insane.).

As usual, I traveled for work - Indianapolis (gag), DC (3 or 4 times?), Atlanta, Nashville, Portland, St. Louis, Denver, maybe a few more places but I can't really remember at this point. I even took a trip of pure leisure - visiting the Ritz Carleton Reynolds Plantation in Georgia. It was lovely but, Georgia, really, what was I thinking? I used to live there. I need take fun trips that are a little more "exotic" in the future.  I'm a little bitter right now because we clamped down on work travel just as I was two trips away from keeping my silver status on Delta - I happened to have two trips on the calendar that were cancelled. Now I'm relinquished to peasant status once again....oh, how I loathe boarding planes with clueless tourists.

The travel highlight was a work trip to the Pacific Northwest. I added two personal days and took in as much as possible - Portland, Seattle, Mt St Helens (my friend Lori and I are forever bonded over our harrowing trip up and down the road near that mountain!) and Cannon Beach (aka Goonies beach). My new life dream is to live in Oregon. Seriously. It is beautiful, clean, progressive, they have beer (I attended the Oregon Brewer's Festival), and even the TSA agents at the airport are happy and friendly...I think it is the place for me...so now you will randomly hear me declare my love for Oregon in general conversation.

Even more friends got married (as if this was even possible), so I truly am the last single girl at this point. It's cool - I'm thrilled to not have to deal with the crazy family of someone else at holidays (mine is crazy enough, thanks) but, you know, from time to time (New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, etc.) is can be sort of a bummer being the only single girl. But then I think of my friends with kids, shudder, and realize I'm living the life I'm meant to live (childless).

And finally, I became a certified Citizen Police Academy graduate this year. That's right, while I didn't blog much about it (because of marathon training and a pesky confidentiality agreement) I earned not only a certificate but a teeny, tiny badge (pin). I had the best experience on my "ride along" where "we" solved a crime (a shooting!!), arrested a baby momma beater and saw a hooker (she totally looked like she should be on PeopleofWalMart.com and not working the street corner), all while I wore a bullet proof vest. It was pretty awesome.

Here I am, drinking a Shiner Holiday Cheer (LOVE this beer), Love Actually (LOVE Hugh Grant) is playing on the tube and my three furry children are sitting nearby while I'm watching college kids converge on the house across the street for what I presume is an end of the world party (milk it for all it's worth - just don't burn a couch like we did at Central Michigan University for such parties, kids, ok?). Reflecting on 2012 (yet another Year of Jen, just like 2009, 2010, 2011, you get the picture), I'm thinking this:

Sure, I have a crack in my kitchen ceiling (still) from the bathroom fiasco (the black sub floor the contractor removed from my bathroom nearly made me faint),  I lost way too many hours watching a certain soap super couple from the 80s on You Tube (repeatedly), cupcakes and crap still appear in the breakroom at work on occasion to tempt me, I did two things I will never, ever do again (and no, I'm not going to elaborate) and this week I overdrew my checking account with last minute Christmas (not holiday) purchases. Woe is me and my 'first world' problems.

Time to go to sleep and count my blessings (instead of sheep - couldn't resist - love the movie White Christmas).

The single life is still all it's cracked up to be, and I look forward to yet another Year of Jen in 2013.

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

Well, Michael Stipe was not talking about 12.21.12. As you are acutely aware, the Mayans were wrong and we're all still here.

Frankly, I'm a little surprised and here's why....

Last weekend while out with friends I met a nice, friendly, attractive, employed, childless, seemingly normal man. It's true. Oh, and I guess I should say the important part - he liked me. That never happens.

Now, he happened to be Canadian (the really far away part of Canada - Calgary) but you know, had we had more time to get to know one another I could have totally moved. Anyway, the fact that an attractive, friendly, educated, employed man actually had an interest in me made me believe in the impending apocalypse. Surely, this had to be a sign of Doomsday.

I spent apocalypse eve at a local brewery debating gun control with a gun-owning, NRA member friend. Yet another sign of end of days, that I would have a gun-owning, NRA member friend.

However, I woke up today, went to the Y and watched soap operas (Robert Scorpio is BACK on General Hospital. Anna's true love Duke is back from the dead - from 20 years ago - my mind has been blown!!!). A truly unremarkable day - good thing it was not my last one on earth.

Last night between debating guns in schools, right to work and the Affordable Care Act, we discussed the end of the world. If the world ended today, what would have been my biggest regret? Not being single, not being broke, not being sort of fabulous....it would be not traveling more. For real.

This is where the Canadian could have come in....he is an energy consultant...I think he could have funded some globetrotting. Oh well.

So, yay, the world has not ended! It's not the end of the world as we know it, and I still feel fine.

One is the loneliest number

Nope, I didn't keep up with Citizen Police Academy updates. I was training for a freaking marathon and was sort of busy. So sue me. Yep, I'm really feisty tonight.

I had a lovely evening out with my runner friends. We were celebrating the fact that we are all about to start training for another marathon (because we are crazy, apparently) and enjoying a fun night out on the town. I've known for ages that one of my runner friends grew up in the same small town as a college roommate of mine, and always assumed they know one another but never asked if they are, indeed, acquainted. Tonight the subject of their town came up so I asked and yes, my pal knows Cow Katie - the roommate. I feel I need to take a moment here to say I did not seek out Cow Katie as my roommate - it was one of those freshman dorm things that happened. Anyway....

My pal says, "Ew, yes, I know her. She's s weird. She's that little nerdy girl who looks like an albino."

Bingo!

I also need to interject that I deemed her Cow Katie not because of her size or anything but because she grew up on a dairy farm and loved to talk about the cows.

In my usual fashion I did a voice impression of Cow Katie, saying in a whiny, nasal voice, "Yeah....I'm from Free-mont and my daaad is a dairy farmer. I love cows."

My pal says, "Yes, that's her. She is so weird. Seriously weird."

I go on to tell the story about how Katie would turn red at the mention of any male name. For real. My other roommates and I loved this game. We would sit there, look at Katie and just start saying names: "Dave." Suddenly Katie turns Pink. "Steve." Katie is now a bright shade of red. "Ted." Katie is now purple.

Did she know any guys named  Dave, Steve or Ted? Nope. But, she was so socially inept when it came to the opposite sex that just the mention of a male name sent her into a tizzy.

Then my pal drops the bomb.

"Yes, she's married now." (Sound of disbelief in voice).

Katie-I-turn-red-at-the-mention-of-a-male-name-Nerdy Cow Girl is MARRIED?!

That's it.

It is bad enough Liz Lemon got married on "30 Rock" this week (seriously, Liz, how could you?) and now this.

Not to mention, I have to go to the family Christmas party in a couple of weeks where I will be the cousin still single except for the 19 year old who is heading off to be a nun soon.

No joke.

Maybe I should just join her.

Police academy week 1 (no, I didn't fire a taser)

So, I didn't get to fire a taser...but I did see a police officer discharge one!

Yes, I'm just back from my first week of police academy.

Tonight was more of an orientation, hearing from the captains from the different sections of the city, getting an overview of the program, etc. However, there were a few great nuggets. For example, I learned from the captain for my quadrant of the city that it is the "busiest" (polite term for the most calls to the police). Luckily, while we are the busiest, we do not have the most serious crimes - the homicide capital is another quadrant of the city. Makes sense, we have the drugs, the breaking and enterings, larceny, etc. You know, normal crime.

I also learned there are 11,000 people in my city of 200,000 with outstanding warrants out for their arrest. Wow. Beware on match.com, ladies. Just saying - the odds are good that if you go on enough first dates in this city that you are going to date a criminal.

Additionally, I learned about the topics for the next nine weeks. Next week we're going to learn about traffic stops and procedures AND will get to "drive" a police car. OK, "drive" will probably mean just in the parking lot but hey, how fun will that be? Week eight will be about Vice Squad (drugs and hos - oh yeah) and week nine, according to Gerri (who, by the way, was the super star of the class because all the cops know her. This is because it is her second time in the class and she was chosen to participate again even though they only took 30 of the 150+ applicants. She's a rock star.), will be the highlight of the program because we get to go in a simulator and shoot people. I know Gerri is counting down the days until Tuesday of week nine. She also advised me to request to do my ride along in the homicide section of the city because that's where I'll see the most action.

Now, if I can just get my hands on a taser...

Accepted!

My instinct was correct. Guess who has been accepted to Citizen Police Academy (CPA)? You guessed it!

The training starts TONIGHT.

I'm totally pumped. Sure, I'm actually totally exhausted because I'm training for a marathon (which is taking up crucial blogging time, sorry, readers!) and work is busy as always but this is going to be a goldmine of blog topics - at least I hope it will!

First class is tonight from 6:30 - 10 PM (talk about hard core). I'm looking forward to seeing Gerri and my fellow wannabe vigilantes in just an hour or so.

I'll be sure to keep you posted on "CPA!"

Condemned

The house across the street has been condemned. The house next door is foreclosed and should be condemned as the ceilings in the living room have caved in, presumably from water damage when the house was not winterized. FML.

I bet I couldn't even GIVE my house away at this point.

Let's see - any takers?

Police Academy (and no, not the movie)

Since I live in a crime infested neighborhood, I have a vested interest in keeping up with the happenings around me. You know, the usual stuff like larceny, robbery, selling crack, etc.

Tonight I attended a neighborhood association meeting about improving the business districts in our corner of the city. I had a blast. We had the opportunity to draw on massive maps of the 'hood and point out the good and, in more cases than not, the not so good. The spot with the most "not good" notations, you ask? The infamous Family Pantry (no surprise there.)!

While there, our community organizer told me about an opportunity she believes to be right up my alley: Citizen Police Academy.

This is a ten week program (talk about hard core) where "citizens" (me!) will learn about topics such as:
-Crime mapping/analysis (you know how I love my daily crime alert emails!)
-Crime scenes / forensics (I can see it now, "CSI Grand Rapids")
-Patrol Operations (I already do Mobile Watch, why not make it more official?)
-Use of Force (I'm envisioning the tazer scene in "The Hangover.")
-Traffic stops (I drive like a bat out of hell through this city - only good can come from this!)

And.....drumroll.....

-Ride-a-long

True! Each participant will be given the opportunity to ride with an officer for one shift (mine better be cute, in his 30s and single).

Now, they don't just let any old schlep off the street do this. You have to, well, not be a criminal (check), must be at least 21 (check plus, plus, plus) and you need to apply and have good references. Both of my community organizers already offered to be my references so I thinking I'm in.

Later this evening, a board member sent me a text telling me I MUST apply so I told her I plan to and she offered to be a reference. She happens to be the manager of a Walgreen's in a most unfortunate location in our 'hood so she has the po po on speed dial and they are tight!

To cap off my night, my favorite gun toting octogenarian Gerri called me. She caught wind that I want to do the academy. She has done it before and wants a refresher (If you ask me think she's trolling for a hot, young cop and is looking to sharpen her shooting skills at the same time). She is thrilled I want to do this so she's "putting in a call" for me tomorrow.

So, yeah, hate to sound cocky but...I've got this. I am so going to be in the next Citizen Academy class. My crime fighting career continues (I know, you too wish you lived in a crime infested neighborhood so you could have such opportunities. Not everyone is as lucky as I am.)!

And, who knows, maybe I'll get to do my ride-a-long with a real life Robert Scorpio!