Thankfully, this is nothing like my 2011 President's Day weekend. This is much more pathetic.
On Friday I left work an hour early to hit the gym. You all heard my rant about these New Year's resolution people and, side note, based on my experience at the gym today the crowds are getting worse, not better, but I digress.
I spent an hour on the elliptical and caught the end of the final episode of "One Life to Live." I grew up on the ABC soaps (my stay at home mom needed some entertainment) including OLTL, "All My Children" and "General Hospital." Of the three, GH was my favorite.
Why? Well, to be fair to the other shows, GH, it was on at 3 p.m., meaning it was the only one I could keep up with after school. Yes, I was totally the kid who would come home from school and watch a soap opera. Don't judge me, judge my mom (Love ya, mom!).
I loved soap operas so much that I was an avid reader of "Soap Opera Digest" and one of my many career aspirations was to be a soap opera writer. Seriously. Since the soap opera genre is dying I guess it's a good thing that dream didn't work out.
Couples are the cornerstone of the soap opera and like all soap viewers I have an all time favorite couple. No, not Luke and Laura (boring and before my time). Not John and Marlena ("Days of Our Lives" shout out!). And no, not even Bo and Hope (though they are my SECOND favorite soap opera couple of all time). I'm talking about GH 1989 - 1990 - Robert and Katherine.
Now, you're probably asking, "Who?" OK, you're probably only asking that if you are in tune with soaps in any way, shape or form and therefore, can tolerate reading this entry.
Two years is a blip in the lifetime of a soap but for some reason, this storyline was my favorite and the whole OLTL ending made me think about my favorite soap couple. I wondered if there could be a clip or two on You Tube since I hadn't seen my peeps in over 20 years. After Robert decided he "couldn't commit" and Kate left Port Charles I stopped watching GH (until Sonny Corinthos rolled in to town, I mean, HELLO!) and went on with my life (meaning, I transferred my soap opera addiction to "Days").
Imagine my shock when I stumbled upon not one clip, not two, but the entire Robert and Katherine storyline posted on You Tube. All 817 parts. Yes, 817. Eight hundred and seventeen. Someone out there is even crazier than I am.
Suddenly, I was totally sucked back in time to 1989. First it was my favorite episode ever (Kate returns from the dead, "I'm not a ghost."). Then the craziest episode ever (Kate's creepy fiance Paul the archaeologist tries to mummify her. "These are linen wrapping strips. They'll keep you warm and protected." Seriously, even if you don't know what I'm talking about, check this out for a good laugh). The saddest episode (the break up) and the one that perfectly sums up the relationship (a knock down, drag out "War of the Roses" type fight).
It is now Tuesday and I'm on part 426. Oh the shame. (I will admit, I finally started watching sequentially in the 200s...and now I may have decided to go back to the beginning and that may have something to do with the fact I'm blogging at 1 a.m. on a week night).
Why did this story and these characters captivate me at the age of 12 and again in my 30s? I have no idea. But, I do know this: Since the age of 12, no matter how fiercely independent I think I am and try to be, deep down I just want a Robert to save me (Robert had to save Katherine many, many, many times). An Australian born ex-secret agent with an Aborigine friend who predicts his death is hard to come by in the Midwest so this is not working out so well (though I have to admit while Robert had boyish good looks in 1989, he really started to age in 1990. He got a bit overzealous with the Just For Men hair color). Plus, I will never be a world famous pianist whose fiance tries to mummify her (at least I hope not. And I mean that. Really.) therefore, I suppose I don't really need "saving."
Damn.
This is exactly why I'm still single. I will never find my Robert Scorpio.
About Jen's addiction: Jen is a recovering soap opera addict. After quitting GH in 1990, she took up "Days of Our Lives." For a period of time in the mid 1990s, Jen did both GH in "Days." In college, she had to cut back and, therefore, never scheduled a 1 p.m. class, thereby sealing her addiction to "Days" for the next five years (yes, five, not four). Eventually, Jen broke her soap opera addiction (it was called getting a big kid job and not having reliable VHS player). She had a brief relapse two years ago when her cable provider offered SoapNet for free for several months. Today, Jen leads a happy, normal life though she does use soaps recreationally on days off work and extended vacations. Jen does not, however, have a subscription to "Soap Opera Digest" and has not picked one up in at least 16 years. Jen should probably delete the You Tube app on her iPad if she wants to remain a normal, productive member of society.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Resolve to break your resolution, please!
January 3. The day the entire world returns to the gym after an 11 month hiatus. What a headache. On January 2 I was one of maybe 30 people at the massive YMCA in my city. After all, it was a federal holiday with New Year's falling on a weekend and all but, today, boom!
Why do all these people think something as arbitrary as a date on a calendar is going to inspire them to commit to long term healthy living? It isn't. Get real, people. First it's all these damn Janet Jackson Nutrisystem commercials, then the Weight Watchers commercials showing skinny Jennifer Hudson next to chubby Jennifer Hudson (and, by the way, there is NO WAY her arms just shrank like that counting points. She should have some major skin hanging off her skinny arms now. Where's the disclaimer that she had skin removal surgery? Cause...she did!) and now, everyone and their mother and brother are at the gym.
These new gym goers are the worst. First of all, they don't dress to work out. Today I spotted a woman on a treadmill in a sweater. Yes, a cotton winter sweater. While the old man next to her "ran" in his loafers and Dockers. Seriously, people? If you're going to go to the trouble to pay the outrageous YMCA membership fee try to look the part, ok?
Speaking of dressing, or undressing, don't get me started of the locker room. On any given day I'm subjected to seeing saggy boobs and even the occasional who-hah but now the locker room is PACKED. I'm a modest person. No one will ever see any of my naughty bits in the locker room. I realize some people have no modesty but, try to show some respect for others! Today I was clearly about to change when this girl sat down next to me to tie her shoe. She came from around the corner and the locker room wasn't even full yet! There were plenty of other places to sit! I gave her my "go away" look and she just stared back at me like, "Bitch, I'm gonna sit here and tie my shoe." So, she took her sweet-ass time and I just sat there and waited to change until she was done.
After my workout, I returned to the dreaded locker room which was full. At least the women there were doing the "don't make eye contact with anyone thing" while changing so it was cool. Until this old lady with long, stringy gray hair came along. I was leaning forward trying to pack my gym bag when she bent down to change her pants, sticking her saggy, old lady ass right in my face. I was so annoyed/disgusted that I bolted out of there.
All I have to say to all of these people is GO AWAY. Let me have the Y back. I hate having to stalk people for parking spots, for workout machines and getting old lady butts stuck in my face. Please, for the love, give up your New Year's resolutions. You, not the calendar, are the key to your own success. Go back to your couch, stuff your faces with Twinkies and watch "The Bachelor." I'll see you next January.
Why do all these people think something as arbitrary as a date on a calendar is going to inspire them to commit to long term healthy living? It isn't. Get real, people. First it's all these damn Janet Jackson Nutrisystem commercials, then the Weight Watchers commercials showing skinny Jennifer Hudson next to chubby Jennifer Hudson (and, by the way, there is NO WAY her arms just shrank like that counting points. She should have some major skin hanging off her skinny arms now. Where's the disclaimer that she had skin removal surgery? Cause...she did!) and now, everyone and their mother and brother are at the gym.
These new gym goers are the worst. First of all, they don't dress to work out. Today I spotted a woman on a treadmill in a sweater. Yes, a cotton winter sweater. While the old man next to her "ran" in his loafers and Dockers. Seriously, people? If you're going to go to the trouble to pay the outrageous YMCA membership fee try to look the part, ok?
Speaking of dressing, or undressing, don't get me started of the locker room. On any given day I'm subjected to seeing saggy boobs and even the occasional who-hah but now the locker room is PACKED. I'm a modest person. No one will ever see any of my naughty bits in the locker room. I realize some people have no modesty but, try to show some respect for others! Today I was clearly about to change when this girl sat down next to me to tie her shoe. She came from around the corner and the locker room wasn't even full yet! There were plenty of other places to sit! I gave her my "go away" look and she just stared back at me like, "Bitch, I'm gonna sit here and tie my shoe." So, she took her sweet-ass time and I just sat there and waited to change until she was done.
After my workout, I returned to the dreaded locker room which was full. At least the women there were doing the "don't make eye contact with anyone thing" while changing so it was cool. Until this old lady with long, stringy gray hair came along. I was leaning forward trying to pack my gym bag when she bent down to change her pants, sticking her saggy, old lady ass right in my face. I was so annoyed/disgusted that I bolted out of there.
All I have to say to all of these people is GO AWAY. Let me have the Y back. I hate having to stalk people for parking spots, for workout machines and getting old lady butts stuck in my face. Please, for the love, give up your New Year's resolutions. You, not the calendar, are the key to your own success. Go back to your couch, stuff your faces with Twinkies and watch "The Bachelor." I'll see you next January.
Friday, December 30, 2011
My holiday letter - 2011 WINNING edition
Yes, I am just like "that friend" who failed to send her Christmas cards and sent New Year's cards instead because I am sharing this year's holiday letter with you after Christmas. In case you are wondering, I did not send Christmas or New Year's cards this year. But hey, at least I'm posting this before the new year! And P.S., my New Year's Resolution is to blog more, pinky swear!
Dear friends and family,
2011. 2011 was the year of Jen. Let's face it, it's all about me 24/7 because, well, who the hell else would it be about? My dog? My cats? Of course not - it's about me. This year, however, was more about me than usual. And (un)like Charlie Sheen, in 2011 I found myself WINNING and, on occasion, felt as though I too had "tiger blood" running through my veins. Ok, ok, no tiger blood. I took that one too far.
I found myself winning both literally and figuratively in 2011. This year I continued my running and surpassed my goal of finishing a half marathon by running three half marathons (including one to Canada and back!) and a 25k (that's 15.5 miles for you non-runners). All this running improved my physical and mental health. Im pleased to say I can once again shop at my holy trinity (J Crew, Banana Republic, Ann Taylor/Loft) and, let me you, I am a frequent customer. My credit card is not winning thanks to all the shopping but sorry, all my clothes were too big! I've longed for this problem for years. Now this is winning!
I lived out two childhood dreams in 2011. One involved a visit to a little place called The Magic Kingdom (more about that later) and the second a bit more obscure....I saw Wilson Phillips live in concert. Yes, the "Hold On" 90s girl group with those wicked harmonies. I love Wilson Phillips and their concert was everything 13 year old "Jenny" (call me that and die) imagined it would be. Totally winning!
Professionally, things couldn't be better. I'm a part of a national leadership development program, won two awards, got a promotion and am poised for bigger and better things in 2012. Most importantly, I truly love my job. Literally winning!
Sure, 2011 had some low points...finding a used condom in my yard, finding my basement flooded with sewage, chaining my air conditioning unit to the house for fear it would be stolen, countless flat tires, discovering my employer failed to take out the correct taxes for the city in which I reside, resulting in me owing over a THOUSAND dollars to said city (don't even get me started on this)...but hey, that's life! This year the good completely outweighed the bad.
I love to travel, and even though I'm still mad at Delta for breaking a wheel off a brand new piece of luggage at BWI this September, I enjoyed my travels. This year I made it to Atlanta (3 times), DC (twice), Chicago, Indiana (more times than I care to discuss but since I ran a half marathon in Indy I felt the need to mention it), New Orleans (where I got to be very American and celebrate the death of Osama bin Laden), New York (where I may have seen Jay Z....in his house) and Orlando (I am a Disney virgin no more! And yes, I was that creepy childless adult at Disney World hugging the characters).
Yes, I'm still childless...and single. And guess what? I'm ok with it! I may even marry myself in 2012. After all, I still need some basic home goods. Seriously, I just got my first crock pot. I'm 34. Why? Because I've never had a wedding shower to get one. I still need a toaster and toaster oven, a mixer and some more Kate Spade fine china. Plus, the last of my single friends are getting married next year and I'm feeling left out so yeah, I will probably marry myself next year just for the gifts. If that isn't WINNING I don't know what is.
Yes, I was WINNING in 2011 and I'm going to do everything I can to keep it going in 2012...even though I realize the whole "winning" thing is totally an out of date reference.
Happy New Year!
Jen
Dear friends and family,
2011. 2011 was the year of Jen. Let's face it, it's all about me 24/7 because, well, who the hell else would it be about? My dog? My cats? Of course not - it's about me. This year, however, was more about me than usual. And (un)like Charlie Sheen, in 2011 I found myself WINNING and, on occasion, felt as though I too had "tiger blood" running through my veins. Ok, ok, no tiger blood. I took that one too far.
I found myself winning both literally and figuratively in 2011. This year I continued my running and surpassed my goal of finishing a half marathon by running three half marathons (including one to Canada and back!) and a 25k (that's 15.5 miles for you non-runners). All this running improved my physical and mental health. Im pleased to say I can once again shop at my holy trinity (J Crew, Banana Republic, Ann Taylor/Loft) and, let me you, I am a frequent customer. My credit card is not winning thanks to all the shopping but sorry, all my clothes were too big! I've longed for this problem for years. Now this is winning!
I lived out two childhood dreams in 2011. One involved a visit to a little place called The Magic Kingdom (more about that later) and the second a bit more obscure....I saw Wilson Phillips live in concert. Yes, the "Hold On" 90s girl group with those wicked harmonies. I love Wilson Phillips and their concert was everything 13 year old "Jenny" (call me that and die) imagined it would be. Totally winning!
Professionally, things couldn't be better. I'm a part of a national leadership development program, won two awards, got a promotion and am poised for bigger and better things in 2012. Most importantly, I truly love my job. Literally winning!
Sure, 2011 had some low points...finding a used condom in my yard, finding my basement flooded with sewage, chaining my air conditioning unit to the house for fear it would be stolen, countless flat tires, discovering my employer failed to take out the correct taxes for the city in which I reside, resulting in me owing over a THOUSAND dollars to said city (don't even get me started on this)...but hey, that's life! This year the good completely outweighed the bad.
I love to travel, and even though I'm still mad at Delta for breaking a wheel off a brand new piece of luggage at BWI this September, I enjoyed my travels. This year I made it to Atlanta (3 times), DC (twice), Chicago, Indiana (more times than I care to discuss but since I ran a half marathon in Indy I felt the need to mention it), New Orleans (where I got to be very American and celebrate the death of Osama bin Laden), New York (where I may have seen Jay Z....in his house) and Orlando (I am a Disney virgin no more! And yes, I was that creepy childless adult at Disney World hugging the characters).
Yes, I'm still childless...and single. And guess what? I'm ok with it! I may even marry myself in 2012. After all, I still need some basic home goods. Seriously, I just got my first crock pot. I'm 34. Why? Because I've never had a wedding shower to get one. I still need a toaster and toaster oven, a mixer and some more Kate Spade fine china. Plus, the last of my single friends are getting married next year and I'm feeling left out so yeah, I will probably marry myself next year just for the gifts. If that isn't WINNING I don't know what is.
Yes, I was WINNING in 2011 and I'm going to do everything I can to keep it going in 2012...even though I realize the whole "winning" thing is totally an out of date reference.
Happy New Year!
Jen
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Oh, America
Tonight Betty Ford passed away at the age of 93. I live in the hometown of Betty and Gerald Ford and despite a shooting rampage that took place here yesterday, things are normally pretty quiet. That being said, our fair city is already caught up in Betty Ford fever.
Clearly plans were in place for Mrs. Ford's passing because shortly after I learned she had died, an announcement was made that the Gerald R. Ford Presidential Museum would be open 24/7 beginning immediately so the community could come and pay their respects to Mrs. Ford and sign a condolence book for the family.
Since I had to pass the museum on my way home from another wine-filled Friday night with Wiggy, I decided to stop and sign the book.
A crowd had gathered and let me say, and I am not trying to be an ass, I was the only normal people there. Our local ABC affiliate was interviewing a woman and her two sons who looked like they could be inbred; there were three guys in front of me with droopy pants, backwards hats and gold chains - totally looked like K-Fed circa when Britney was relevant; a woman with black stringy hair and too short shorts asking the security guy, "Where's that Gerald guy buried?"; and a family of three that were all dressed in matching black and white outfits. The kicker? All of these people were taking photos! Pictures of the condolence book and pictures of one another signing the book. Really? Is this where we've come as a society - like if we don't photograph it then it didn't happen?
Don't get me wrong, I take a lot of photos. I love documenting fun times with my friends, my pets, random things...but, there's a time and a place for everything and I feel as though that was not the time and place.
And the worst part of it is, our local NBC affiliate had a camera set up to capture all of the people signing the book in "real time" so all of these shenanigans were being caught on film. Also quite possible...a certain girl in black and white dress scowling at these ridiculous people - oops!
Clearly plans were in place for Mrs. Ford's passing because shortly after I learned she had died, an announcement was made that the Gerald R. Ford Presidential Museum would be open 24/7 beginning immediately so the community could come and pay their respects to Mrs. Ford and sign a condolence book for the family.
Since I had to pass the museum on my way home from another wine-filled Friday night with Wiggy, I decided to stop and sign the book.
A crowd had gathered and let me say, and I am not trying to be an ass, I was the only normal people there. Our local ABC affiliate was interviewing a woman and her two sons who looked like they could be inbred; there were three guys in front of me with droopy pants, backwards hats and gold chains - totally looked like K-Fed circa when Britney was relevant; a woman with black stringy hair and too short shorts asking the security guy, "Where's that Gerald guy buried?"; and a family of three that were all dressed in matching black and white outfits. The kicker? All of these people were taking photos! Pictures of the condolence book and pictures of one another signing the book. Really? Is this where we've come as a society - like if we don't photograph it then it didn't happen?
Don't get me wrong, I take a lot of photos. I love documenting fun times with my friends, my pets, random things...but, there's a time and a place for everything and I feel as though that was not the time and place.
And the worst part of it is, our local NBC affiliate had a camera set up to capture all of the people signing the book in "real time" so all of these shenanigans were being caught on film. Also quite possible...a certain girl in black and white dress scowling at these ridiculous people - oops!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
To quote Kathy Griffin....
Once again I've lowered myself to joining Match.com. The last go-round was a disaster and this one is proving to be the same. The only men interested in meeting me are: a) over 40 b) make less than $25,000 per year and work in food service ("Would you like to SuperSize that?") c) have a million children d) live at least 200 miles away e) all of the above. Meaning "e" my potential suitors are all of these, not just one each. I'm cancelling my membership - this is such a waste of my time!
My friend, we'll call her Jane, has had a much worse experience and should be the one cancelling her membership. Like me, Jane is well educated, is smart, career-driven, owns a dog and not originally from this area. Unlike me, Jane is super tall, thin and presumably makes big bucks at her super cool job. We met tonight for drinks to lament over the true fail that is Match.com.
Two days ago she was contacted by "Romanticmom34." The message was:
Hello. I believe my boyfriend is on here and his username is wingman2010. If you have received an email from him please let me know. If you can forward the email if he had contacted you to me.Thanks. Please do not say anything in regards to this. I need proof. Then he can be busted. Thanks.
Jane did not respond, hoping to avoid getting dragged in to some sort of backwoods, hillbilly (these people are from the sticks) brawl. And yes, "wingman2010" did contact her. However, since he has no education and probably no job she did not respond.
Today it got even better though....a guy contacted her with the message that he's not a "creeper but..." and proceeded to tell her he would love to give her some "oral" pleasure. For real. Hello, creeper, this isn't Yahoo! personals!
Seriously? Gross.
What is it? Why is it that men who have crappy jobs, live in the basements of their parents/friends/siblings and have zero personality can find great women (women who are, in fact, probably way too good to date them!) but women with great jobs, great homes and great personalities cannot find decent matches intellectually and educationally speaking? I just don't get it. Why are there so many great single women but no great single men over 30? I believe this is a line from an episode of "Sex and the City" but hello, it's my favorite TV show for a reason, that quote is dead on! Where are the great single men over 30? Oh, that's right...they're married! Or dead.
So, in the words of Kathy Griffin, I've said it before and I'll say it again....Match.com can "suck it." Wait, better not say that out loud...I bet if I put that on my profile Mr. Oral would come knocking at my door for sure.
My friend, we'll call her Jane, has had a much worse experience and should be the one cancelling her membership. Like me, Jane is well educated, is smart, career-driven, owns a dog and not originally from this area. Unlike me, Jane is super tall, thin and presumably makes big bucks at her super cool job. We met tonight for drinks to lament over the true fail that is Match.com.
Two days ago she was contacted by "Romanticmom34." The message was:
Hello. I believe my boyfriend is on here and his username is wingman2010. If you have received an email from him please let me know. If you can forward the email if he had contacted you to me.Thanks. Please do not say anything in regards to this. I need proof. Then he can be busted. Thanks.
Jane did not respond, hoping to avoid getting dragged in to some sort of backwoods, hillbilly (these people are from the sticks) brawl. And yes, "wingman2010" did contact her. However, since he has no education and probably no job she did not respond.
Today it got even better though....a guy contacted her with the message that he's not a "creeper but..." and proceeded to tell her he would love to give her some "oral" pleasure. For real. Hello, creeper, this isn't Yahoo! personals!
Seriously? Gross.
What is it? Why is it that men who have crappy jobs, live in the basements of their parents/friends/siblings and have zero personality can find great women (women who are, in fact, probably way too good to date them!) but women with great jobs, great homes and great personalities cannot find decent matches intellectually and educationally speaking? I just don't get it. Why are there so many great single women but no great single men over 30? I believe this is a line from an episode of "Sex and the City" but hello, it's my favorite TV show for a reason, that quote is dead on! Where are the great single men over 30? Oh, that's right...they're married! Or dead.
So, in the words of Kathy Griffin, I've said it before and I'll say it again....Match.com can "suck it." Wait, better not say that out loud...I bet if I put that on my profile Mr. Oral would come knocking at my door for sure.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Why camping is the most ridiculous idea of a "vacation." EVER.
Apparently I'm just full of rage these days. Blame it on the fact that I haven't taken a full week off work in over two years.
It's 4th of July weekend and I just escaped a major traffic jam - thankfully I was going against the traffic - because, unlike all those crazy people going "Up North" (it's a Michigan thing) I was heading back into the 'hood.
People primarily go "Up North" to do something I simply don't understand. Something so vile sounding I don't know why any rational person would do this. Yes, they go "Up North" to go camping.
Shudder.
The idea of camping makes me want to wretch.
Seriously, think about it. People go on camping vacations, right? They pack up all kinds of crap including a tent, sleeping bags, food, camping stoves (really?) and who knows what else....load down the car so it is heavier and therefore burns more gas....drive for countless hours to, in most cases, pay for a place to dump all their crap. Once said crap is dumped, they're forced to crap in community bathrooms (if they're lucky), cook their own meals and clean up after themselves and then sleep in tents....in the summer...with no air conditioning. Oh, and bears and skunks may attack the campers in their sleep.
How the hell is this appealing?
Seriously! I was giving a friend who is one of the thousands of "campers" in Michigan this weekend a hard time about all the money she has spent on camping equipment. Her response was the equipment will provide a "lifetime of fun." My response? Air conditioning and a roof over my head are priceless.
And to expound on this...think about it...when I go on vacation I stay in a hotel where I have air conditioning, cable, a comfortable bed, indoor plumbing that I don't have to share with strangers and I don't have to clean up after myself - a maid does that! Then, when I want to eat, I visit a cool restaurant. Maybe some Thai, maybe some pizza, maybe some sushi. You know what campers call sushi? Bait. And, I'm sorry, I don't believe you can get a good martini camping - that's a lot of extra equipment to pack.
Michigan is going to be hot, humid and rainy this 4th of July weekend so, camper people, good luck. Wiggy called me this week to declare "I am not a wilderness girl!" and, of course, neither am I so we'll spend this weekend enjoying shopping, sushi and strong martinis! Cheers to Independence Day!
It's 4th of July weekend and I just escaped a major traffic jam - thankfully I was going against the traffic - because, unlike all those crazy people going "Up North" (it's a Michigan thing) I was heading back into the 'hood.
People primarily go "Up North" to do something I simply don't understand. Something so vile sounding I don't know why any rational person would do this. Yes, they go "Up North" to go camping.
Shudder.
The idea of camping makes me want to wretch.
Seriously, think about it. People go on camping vacations, right? They pack up all kinds of crap including a tent, sleeping bags, food, camping stoves (really?) and who knows what else....load down the car so it is heavier and therefore burns more gas....drive for countless hours to, in most cases, pay for a place to dump all their crap. Once said crap is dumped, they're forced to crap in community bathrooms (if they're lucky), cook their own meals and clean up after themselves and then sleep in tents....in the summer...with no air conditioning. Oh, and bears and skunks may attack the campers in their sleep.
How the hell is this appealing?
Seriously! I was giving a friend who is one of the thousands of "campers" in Michigan this weekend a hard time about all the money she has spent on camping equipment. Her response was the equipment will provide a "lifetime of fun." My response? Air conditioning and a roof over my head are priceless.
And to expound on this...think about it...when I go on vacation I stay in a hotel where I have air conditioning, cable, a comfortable bed, indoor plumbing that I don't have to share with strangers and I don't have to clean up after myself - a maid does that! Then, when I want to eat, I visit a cool restaurant. Maybe some Thai, maybe some pizza, maybe some sushi. You know what campers call sushi? Bait. And, I'm sorry, I don't believe you can get a good martini camping - that's a lot of extra equipment to pack.
Michigan is going to be hot, humid and rainy this 4th of July weekend so, camper people, good luck. Wiggy called me this week to declare "I am not a wilderness girl!" and, of course, neither am I so we'll spend this weekend enjoying shopping, sushi and strong martinis! Cheers to Independence Day!
Friday, June 17, 2011
Crazy Mary, is that you?
Now that summer break is upon us, the 'hood is much more lively at night. Lucky me.
My trashy neighbors (you know, the used condom tossers) threw a huge party last weekend and, thankfully, I was out of town. I can only imagine what I missed. Thankfully, I did not find any used condoms or similar devices in my yard.
Tonight as I was trying to go to sleep I heard someone yell, "Help meeeeeeeeeeee! Heeelllp meeeeeee!!"
Now, I am normally the first person to call my local police department. However, since I called yesterday to report some thugs playing basketball in the street (and, p.s. was told it is fine as long as they "yield" to cars), I decided someone else would make the call. I couldn't pinpoint where the screaming was coming from but oh man, it was loud!
GRPD arrived on the scene in record time. I could hear people laughing while the lady kept screaming. And kept screaming. And kept screaming. Suddenly she was yelling about being naked and "you're killing me!" Oh, but people were laughing at her so clearly there was no imminent danger.
Suddenly, I had a flashback. In my mind I could hear, "I WANT A TUNA SANDWICH!!!" "HELL-OOOOO I WANT A TUNA FISH SAAAANDWIIIIIICHHHHH!!!!!!" in my head. Yes, friends, I think "Crazy Mary" has followed me to the northwest side of town!
"Crazy Mary" was my neighbor way back in 2007 and her antics actually were the catalyst for this blog!
I'd like to think this woman, described over the police scanner as "combative psychotic," is indeed "Crazy Mary."
This "Crazy Mary's" antics brought out the crazy in the condom tossers. They needed to pack up all their kids (and there are a lot of them - they must have just figured out how to use condoms), Precious the dog and saunter up the street to check out the situation. I heard them laughing about "crazy white people" as they walked home...and then proceeded to turn on their blaring R& B music and light firecrackers. Really, people? It's 11:00 p.m. And the police are one block away.
At least "Crazy Mary" never threw a used condom in my yard. All right, I lived in an apartment and didn't have a yard...but I did have a stoop! Though she did play "Blue Christmas" by Elvis on repeat for hours....at least the condom tossers play a variety when they bust the jams.
My trashy neighbors (you know, the used condom tossers) threw a huge party last weekend and, thankfully, I was out of town. I can only imagine what I missed. Thankfully, I did not find any used condoms or similar devices in my yard.
Tonight as I was trying to go to sleep I heard someone yell, "Help meeeeeeeeeeee! Heeelllp meeeeeee!!"
Now, I am normally the first person to call my local police department. However, since I called yesterday to report some thugs playing basketball in the street (and, p.s. was told it is fine as long as they "yield" to cars), I decided someone else would make the call. I couldn't pinpoint where the screaming was coming from but oh man, it was loud!
GRPD arrived on the scene in record time. I could hear people laughing while the lady kept screaming. And kept screaming. And kept screaming. Suddenly she was yelling about being naked and "you're killing me!" Oh, but people were laughing at her so clearly there was no imminent danger.
Suddenly, I had a flashback. In my mind I could hear, "I WANT A TUNA SANDWICH!!!" "HELL-OOOOO I WANT A TUNA FISH SAAAANDWIIIIIICHHHHH!!!!!!" in my head. Yes, friends, I think "Crazy Mary" has followed me to the northwest side of town!
"Crazy Mary" was my neighbor way back in 2007 and her antics actually were the catalyst for this blog!
I'd like to think this woman, described over the police scanner as "combative psychotic," is indeed "Crazy Mary."
This "Crazy Mary's" antics brought out the crazy in the condom tossers. They needed to pack up all their kids (and there are a lot of them - they must have just figured out how to use condoms), Precious the dog and saunter up the street to check out the situation. I heard them laughing about "crazy white people" as they walked home...and then proceeded to turn on their blaring R& B music and light firecrackers. Really, people? It's 11:00 p.m. And the police are one block away.
At least "Crazy Mary" never threw a used condom in my yard. All right, I lived in an apartment and didn't have a yard...but I did have a stoop! Though she did play "Blue Christmas" by Elvis on repeat for hours....at least the condom tossers play a variety when they bust the jams.
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