My Holiday Letter

I've been reading all those holiday letters that accompany Christmas cards (I didn't even send Christmas cards this year) and it got me thinking what my holiday letter would look like this year....

Dear Family and Friends,

I hope this letter finds you happy and healthy. As I type this, I  am polishing off a bottle of Two Buck Chuck (Merlot - I went for the heavy stuff) so I am feeling just dandy! My fingers and lips are a little tingly - but this shouldn't take too long!

Despite my yo-yo dieting and acid reflux, I am a happy and healthy thirtysomething. Seriously, my doctor told me I have "A+" cholesterol...I am not sure why she seemed so surprised as she said it but whatever.

2009 started off wonderfully with a fun night out with my friends at our favorite local dive bar (Kale's Korner). That night we met a midget (don't ask) who introduced us to these fabulous Kale's specialty drinks called the Orange Kiss and Purple Kiss and well, our lives haven't been the same since. We enjoy these drinks (available as a shot or a mixed drink) regularly now and this really has enriched our lives at the bar. We're regulars there but we also frequent the Birch Lodge, Logan's Alley, Republic/Rockwells, the BOB (reluctantly), Kopper Top...ok, you get my drift.

I saw several concerts this year including Counting Crows, Madonna (that bitch was three hours LATE for her own concert), Jimmy Buffett (as usual) and Rascal Flatts. Additionally, I reluctantly participated in stalking a celebrity while in New York City.
 
I traveled quite a bit for work: Atlanta, Dallas, Denver, Washington, D.C....I know I am missing some others in there. Since my local airport parking situation has been "under construction" (read new parking ramp being built that will result in more expensive parking fees) I can't tell you how much I have enjoyed getting to the airport HOURS early for these trips to catch the shuttle to the terminal! Twice, in fact, I had to literally run after the shuttle after it passed me by. It was really special. Thankfully, since I know people everywhere (practically) I used those trips to catch up with friends. In addition to seeing my friend Ashley in Dallas I also discovered that airport has a wine bar where you can actually taste wine on a layover or while waiting for a flight - who knew?
 
My "children" also keep me busy. Lucy is now 8, LuLu is 5 and Gracie is a busy body at 2.5 years. Not too much new to report about Lucy and LuLu...I mean, they're cats. They eat, sleep and poop. And run away from Gracie. Speaking of Gracie, she's just a...little angel. This year she managed to eat the television remote control, a hardcover copy of "Marley and Me" and...well, she almost ate a neighborhood Chiuaua. So, I enrolled my little angel in "special ed" and after eight weeks of classes (for what I spent on those damn classes I could have bought a new Kate Spade purse) she is marginally better than she was before.
 
Being a homeowner keeps me busy too. As a single woman, being a homeowner is....special. I live for Thursday nights when I get to take out the trash - as well as Sundays in the non-winter months when I get to mow the lawn! Oh, the joy! Oh, and don't get me started on how much I love shoveling feet of snow off my sidewalk and driveway as the asshole with the snowthrower two doors down only clears his little section of the sidewalk. Pure joy, I tell you, pure joy!

I wish all of you the best this holiday season. Best of luck with your holiday shopping. Personally, I am thrilled I don't have brave Toys R Us or similiar stores in search of a Zhu Zhu pet or the like. Good luck with that. I am going to curl up with my "cocoa" (fresh bottle of wine), pop in a DVD of "Sex and the City" or maybe my life story "Bridget Jones's Diary," drunk dial some friends and Facebook on my BlackBerry. The single life IS all it's cracked up to be!

Your friend,
Jen

A picture is worth a thousand words

If I were really fabulous, I would not hang out at a place like Kale's Korner.

Kale's (I pronounce it Cal's because apparently my water-downed Michigan accent won't let me say "Kale's") is a dive bar about 8 blocks from my house. They have karaoke on Saturday nights so that is usually when you will find me and my crew there. And every time we go, there's something interesting happening....

I could tell you many interesting stories of people we've seen and things we've witnessed, but I'll let the photos do the talking.

What is wrong with this photo?

Or this one? This woman is flat ironing another woman's hair. At the bar. Because she just "didn't have time" to do if before she left. If you had ever been to Kale's you would know how absurd this is since there is never a line to get in!

A bus load of drunken Santas and slutty elves:

A slutty elf accosting a guy she did not know while he karaoked:

Dude, it's 15 degrees out!

Just a nightmare!

I should not have written the word nightmare twice before I went to sleep last night because, oh man, did I have a heck of a nightmare!

This week has been particularly stressful, both personally and professionally. When I am stressed I tend to have vivid dreams.

Last night I dreamt I was on top of a high rise in New York. At the top of the building was a round above ground pool. I somehow ended up in the pool. And I was not alone. In with me....I can only describe it as "Jaws." A giant great white shark who was ready for dinner.

Suddenly, my sister was in the water with me and "Jaws" took a lunge at her so I pushed her out of the way and the shark started snacking on me. The water was pink because of the blood pouring out of my body, I could see its teeth ripping in to my legs. I screamed and I could feel myself swallowing water. Suddenly my cat Lucy was floating in the water and "Jaws" left me to do devour Lucy in one gulp.

The upshot? At least Beyonce was not in my dream. "Wiggy" would have been really jealous, maybe even mad! Even if it meant that part of the time I was being eaten by a shark.

Additionally, I totally know who "Jaws" represented...and this person better watch out. In 2010 I am going to go all Chief Brody on their ass!!

P.S. "Jaws" was my favorite movie as a child. Disturbing, I know.

A sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare? Or just a nightmare?

"Wiggy" and I had a discussion about Beyonce earlier this week.

Shocking, I know.

I made "Wiggy" a photo collage of our trip to "visit" Beyonce in New York. She proudly displays it on her desk at work so I see it every day.

Anyway, we were reminiscing and wondering if her bodyguard remembers us. I would imagine we were tough to forget. Especially "Wiggy," Century 21 shopping bag in hand staring up, mouth gaping at the open window on the top floor of the building (FYI - it's only a four story building).

Then we joked about how we would have totally been on CNN if her bodyguard would have tased us.

I think a lightbulb went off in "Wiggy's" head - her original plan for her next trip to NYC was to have a helicopter or airplane let her parachute out and onto the roof of Beyonce's building....but I think she may be contemplating this getting tased option.

If I blog that I am going to NYC with "Wiggy" any time in the near future please do me a favor and remind me not to go!