Friday, June 17, 2011

Crazy Mary, is that you?

Now that summer break is upon us, the 'hood is much more lively at night. Lucky me.

My trashy neighbors (you know, the used condom tossers) threw a huge party last weekend and, thankfully, I was out of town. I can only imagine what I missed. Thankfully, I did not find any used condoms or similar devices in my yard.

Tonight as I was trying to go to sleep I heard someone yell, "Help meeeeeeeeeeee! Heeelllp meeeeeee!!"

Now, I am normally the first person to call my local police department. However, since I called yesterday to report some thugs playing basketball in the street (and, p.s. was told it is fine as long as they "yield" to cars), I decided someone else would make the call. I couldn't pinpoint where the screaming was coming from but oh man, it was loud!

GRPD arrived on the scene in record time. I could hear people laughing while the lady kept screaming. And kept screaming. And kept screaming. Suddenly she was yelling about being naked and "you're killing me!" Oh, but people were laughing at her so clearly there was no imminent danger.

Suddenly, I had a flashback. In my mind I could hear, "I WANT A TUNA SANDWICH!!!" "HELL-OOOOO I WANT A TUNA FISH SAAAANDWIIIIIICHHHHH!!!!!!" in my head. Yes, friends, I think "Crazy Mary" has followed me to the northwest side of town!

"Crazy Mary" was my neighbor way back in 2007 and her antics actually were the catalyst for this blog!

I'd like to think this woman, described over the police scanner as "combative psychotic," is indeed "Crazy Mary."

This "Crazy Mary's" antics brought out the crazy in the condom tossers. They needed to pack up all their kids (and there are a lot of them - they must have just figured out how to use condoms), Precious the dog and saunter up the street to check out the situation. I heard them laughing about "crazy white people" as they walked home...and then proceeded to turn on their blaring R& B music and light firecrackers. Really, people? It's 11:00 p.m. And the police are one block away.

At least "Crazy Mary" never threw a used condom in my yard. All right, I lived in an apartment and didn't have a yard...but I did have a stoop! Though she did play "Blue Christmas" by Elvis on repeat for hours....at least the condom tossers play a variety when they bust the jams.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Rage Against the Relationship

I do plan to tell you about my first night on “mobile patrol” with my neighborhood association. However, right now my inner single girl is raging and I need to channel my anger.


Relationship people – I am so over you. Yes, you. You people who have to do everything together. Heaven forbid you spend a weekend with your girlfriends. Heck, or even a night out to dinner or the bar without your significant other. Heaven forbid you invite your single friend to do things with you (meaning the collective you, not you as an individual because you as an individual barely exists anymore).

I don’t understand you people!

I have a college friend who has been married now for about ten years. She and her husband manage to maintain their individual identities despite the fact that they now have three children and a generally busy life. They have their own interests, do things as a couple, do things individually with their friends (and, gasp, they even take turns “babysitting” the kids even though I would argue if they are your children it is not called “babysitting” it is called “parenting.” Of course, because they a normal couple they don’t call it “babysitting” but say things like Mrs. W is “with the kids.”) and, they have a couple of people in their lives who are perpetually single (including a former friend of mine) and, gasp again, they invite them to do stuff like trips and cookouts. Why can’t you all be like this?!?!

I wish these two would write a book, write a blog, make some YouTube videos, something, anything on how to be a great couple and to keep your own identities!

There are others out there who manage this too, I am just raging so let me rage and don’t take this personally, ok?

Everyone grows up at some point. I get it. However, why do some people find it so difficult to make room in their lives for relationships and friends? Remember all those times before you found your soul mate (yes, relationship people, I am talking to you again) and all you had were your friends? Some of us are still there and we need our friends. So when your soul mate mates with a new soul and you’re all devastated about it and you come knocking at my door I’ll be here for you (well, for everyone except this former friend) because, unlike you, I have a strong identity- single or not single.