My give a damn's busted

Pine Rest is the local "loony bin" (it's a "Christian" loony bin but a loony bin nonetheless). I've referenced it before. I am in desperate need of some time away from work and well, I don't want to use vacation time for my escape....maybe "medical leave" (meaning "mental health leave") would be the way to go? OK, probably not.  But a girl can daydream.

It's sort of like Monday morning....I (once again) happily visited the dentist to get a crown on a tooth because I knew I would spend at least one hour doped up on nitrous. It was a nice escape. Of course afterward my mouth was sore and I was really crabby. Had the dentist allowed me to take the nitrous tank with me to work I am sure I would have been a total ray of sunshine at the office!

Speaking of escapes, I've been working on channeling my negative energy in to running. Today I was especially "hyper-sensitive" (in the words of a co-worker) so I thought a nice three mile run would help improve my mood. It did. Until about two miles in to my run.

That's when a big fat man who looked like Jabba the Hut drove by in a tow truck. He slowed down and yelled, "Hey Chubby, run a little faster."

Really?

Hey, Jabba - I bet you can't run two blocks! The sheer force of you running may result in an earthquake that may result in a tsunami that could travel across Lake Michigan and destroy Chicago!

I know I am an asshole - but at least I don't yell at random people (unless they don't shovel their sidewalks in the winter but then they totally deserve it). OK, at least I don't yell at random, unsuspecting people who have done nothing to warrant being yelled at!

I just flipped him off. And guess what? He flipped me off back, as though I initiated the insults or something.  Asshole.

Thankfully, he drove faster than I ran (though I don't know how that truck even made it up the hill with the sheer force of gravity caused by Jabba the Hut's presence in the vehicle) and I continued on my (not so) merry way.

I suppose my tolerance for stupidity and general asshole-ery is at an all-time low. As JoDee Messina said, "my give a damn's busted."

In good news, it appears the crime spree on my block has come to an end. With the way I am feeling these days, I have to say I would pity the fool who dare break in to my home while I am here. The wrath of Jen, even without a gun (because no, I did not buy one), is something to be feared!

Going, going, back, back to Miss-ouri

Biggie Smalls (a.k.a. The Notorious B.I.G.) should not have gone back to "Cali" since that's where he was shot and killed....and I have a bad feeling I should not go back to Missouri.

However, this week my nearly ten year boycott of the "Show Me" state is coming to an end ("Show Me" what? I still want to know!).

No, I am not involved in any sort of "M state" rivalry or anything, but I am convinced bad things happen when I am in the state of Missouri.

So much so, I refer to Missouri as "Misery."

Ten years ago (wow - I am old) I was a professional sorority girl (oh, how I wish I had a blog / knew what a blog was in those days - would have landed a book deal for sure) and I traveled constantly to colleges and universities throughout the country. Two of my assigned universities were in Misery.

It was March 2000 and I was flying in to Kansas City to make a 1.5 hour trek to one of my schools. As we landed, the pilot announced we would be the last plane to land due to a blizzard. I figured my ride (college students) would not make it to pick me up since weather conditions were so terrible. Much to my surprise, two sorority girls were waiting for me at the gate (these were pre-9/11 days).

Long story short, they said roads weren't "that bad" and we would be ok getting to campus.

We piled in the car. The two girls up front , me and my 90 pound suitcase in the back. My purse, laptop and second suitcase were in the trunk (don't give me crap, ok, I traveled for 4-5 weeks at a time!).

About 2.5 hours later, after crawling along the state highways of Misery and counting over 25 cars off the road, the driver looked in the rearview mirror and said, "We're just outside of town!"

Suddenly, she lost control of the car, we crossed lanes and all I could see was a semi-truck speeding directly at our car. All I could think was, "Great - I am going to die in Missouri" when we suddenly started sliding another way, off the road and rolled down a hill in to a ditch landing on our side. The 90 pound suitcase landed on me.

Neither girl had a cell phone (this was just a year or two before everyone and their mother got a cell phone) and my purse was in the trunk. The car was on its side in a ditch - no one was getting out. Thankfully, my work-issued cell phone was in my pocket and I was able to call 911.

It was snowing so hard they couldn't find us...and, to make matters worse, no one else called 911 for us. Several cars saw us fly off the road, including the truck that almost plowed in to us. Hey Misery, "Show Me" you know how to call 911, ok?

We were eventually found and thankfully, everyone escaped without physical injury (yay for seatbelts).

Sadly, I have a long term "emotional injury" from the accident. When driving in snowy conditions I have panic attacks. It wasn't an issue when I lived in a state that shuts down at the threat of "snow" (why I love Georgia!) but here in Grand Rapids it presents a major problem for me to this day.

Anyway...

In July of that year, I went back (for work of course) and while stuck in a traffic jam, an old lady driving a conversion van slammed  in to the back of our little rental Saturn. That 90 pound suitcase of mine (and a second one belonging to a co-worker) absorbed much of the impact (our suitcases were never the same after the wreck) and, once again, we were wearing seatbelts so all we had to deal with was a little whip lash.

After that accident, I told my boss she could fire me if she wanted but I would never return to Misery on business (I believe that is what I said verbatim. I wasn't mincing words). I never went back to any of those universities again.

Flash forward ten years: This week I head to Misery on business. Different business, but business nonetheless.

I can't use the "I boycott Misery...er...Missouri" excuse or anything. I just need to suck it up and go.

Do I really think I will be involved in a car accident? No. Well, not really. I mean, probably not. No, I am 75 percent sure nothing bad will happen.

Do I think something bad will happen this week in conjunction with my trip? In light of the crime spree in my neighborhood, maybe.

Misery/Missouri is just not meant to "Show Me" anything except the way out.

...and then there were three

I never should have signed up for those crime alerts.

Two more homes on my block have been burglarized. That's a total of three homes on one block in five days. Two of the break-ins happened in broad day light!

I feel absolutely sick.

I know crime happens everywhere - but why is my block ground zero for this current crime spree?

What upsets me most is that I haven't seen the police step up their presence on my street. Also, shouldn't there be some sort of crime alert sent to people on my block? Had I not signed up on CrimeMapping.com I never would have known. What about people (like my crabby next door neighbors) who don't have Internet? (Don't worry - I told them what's going on).

After sharing my woes with friends today I received some advice - some good, some bad. Advice included:
-Get a gun (see "Jenny get your gun" for my thoughts on that)
-Go to Meijer (local grocery/supercenter) and "buy a home security system sign" (like they sell those there)
-Steal the home security system sign from a neighbor's house
-Put a video camera up outside the house (won't it just get stolen?) so potential burglars think I am videotaping them

I don't know that any of these will work for me, but I definitely appreciate the advice!

Monday I end my nearly ten year boycott of Missouri (I will definitely blog about this!!!), so I have to tell you I am getting really nervous about being away from home. Visions of Suzanne Sugarbaker and her guns dancing in my head are slowly morphing in to Kevin from Home Alone.

Yes, I think I could totally Home Alone this place out! Burglars - watch out!

She's a little runaway

I promised not to blog excessively about my new "running" (still call it jogging) "hobby" (still call it feeble attempt to lose weight so I can meet a normal man and have children before I run out of eggs and, not to mention, my work is on this health kick so desperate attempt to stay 'relevant' in an ever changing work environment). However, I need to share some things that have been yelled to/at me during runs since I started this new routine:

-"Damn. You look good. But after that run you gonna look even betta!"
-"You go girl" as man puffs on cigarette and gives me a thumbs up
-"Yo momma, I'd like you breathin' like that with me"

and, my new favorite from today....

from teenage boys in a beat up turquoise Pontiac....

-"Hey lady, wanna buy a candy bar?"

Now, really boys? Do you think my fat ass would be out running if I could be lured so easily by a candy bar? I think not.

Funny thing is, the kid who yelled it actually had a box of those school fundraiser candy bars in his lap. I think he needs to work on his sales skills and maybe re-think his target market. Chubby girl - yes. Chubby girl running - not so much.

Ah, and spring is just springing. I suspect this is just the beginning....

Jenny get your gun?

As an urban dweller, crime should not phase me.

However, Grand Rapids is a pretty darn safe city. I personally don't know anyone who has been a victim of a random act of violence.

This weekend my false sense of security came crashing down around me. The house across the street and over two was broken in to on Sunday morning.

Scary stuff. Thankfully, no one was hurt and the homeowners seem to be doing well (they're the unfriendly Illinois people I wrote about in the "Won't You Be My Neighbor" entry. One would think this would have brought them out of their shells - but they're still walking around acting like they are better than everyone).

Me, on the other hand? Not so much.

I live alone. Granted, I have a dog but she's more likely to lick an intruder than attack one. However, she looks pretty fierce. Just seeing her in the window could deter potential intruders - especially those who fear German Shepherds.

What is a gal to do?

I suddenly had this flash - me walking down my stairs holding a gun as intruders try breaking in - just like Suzanne Sugarbaker in that episode of Designing Women where someone was trying to steal her pig (if you've never seen this show it is a must see - one of my all time faves!). Light bulb!

End result - Suzanne accidentally shot Anthony. A small voice inside told me I would accidentally shoot someone or myself. But, I still thought getting a gun was a brilliant idea. I've never even seen a gun in real life (except you know, at Wal-Mart, which is odd but whatever) and have always been anti-gun, but I just kept thinking about Suzanne Sugarbaker and how she just carried that gun around with her all the time. I shared this brilliant idea with my very rational  friend Rachael. She quickly put the kibosh on that. She's right and I know it but still - I was thinking a gun would be the way to go.

So I then mentioned getting an NRA sticker for my front door and back door. She said I would probably have to join the NRA to get a sticker and as a fairly liberal gal I just can't see myself writing a check over to whomever took over for Charleton Heston now that they really did have to pry his gun out of his "cold, dead hands"....though maybe he was buried with a gun? Wouldn't surprise me.

She did suggest (as a cost savings measure) trying to find an ADT or Brinks sign to put in the front yard. Actually not a bad idea....hmmm....I wonder if I could make one. "APT" or "Brocks" (wouldn't want to infringe copyright or anything). Probably wouldn't seem legit.

I mentioned Gracie the dog as a sort of "alarm system" when I am home. But what about all those times I travel? She stays with Grandma and Grandpa in the Detroit area. I am most fearful not of things being stolen but of someone breaking in, leaving a door or window open and Lucy and LuLu (the cats) running away while I am out of the state on a business trip or something. I mean, if a thief wants my broken iPod, my 200 pound television or my original Nintendo - have at it! I am sure there are plenty of people around me who at least have an Wii, a nice Macbook or flat screen tv.

So, I am thinking until Kate Spade starts making gun holsters I will probably avoid them all together (guns, not Kate Spade products). That being said...just to be safe...in that Designing Women episode I mentioned (titled "Full Moon" if you are interested) Suzanne told her friends she wanted to buy a gun. Like Rachael, they told her it was a terrible idea. In an effort to stop her, her friends would quietly murmur "don't buy a gun" every time she was around in the hope of delivering subliminal messages to her. In that case, it didn't work but they could have been on to something. So, next time you see me, do us both a favor and do the same for me. Just in case.

When life gives you lemons....

Another Thursday evening and I find myself once again sort of watching "30 Rock." I like the show enough to tune in but not enough to fully pay attention. However, I have to say, every time I watch an episode I marvel and how much I relate to Liz Lemon. Seriously, there are times at work I feel like the only sane person....surely Liz feels the same way (look at the fools she works with!) and Liz, she's a single gal of a certain age - that alone makes for hilarious (or tragic) comedy.

Also, it seems she is always going to the dentist...just like me. Speaking of, is it wrong that I look forward to going to the dentist? A friend made fun of me the other day because I casually mentioned how much I love the dentist because they give me really good legal "drugs" (love me some nitrous) that don't give me a hangover. Plus, the cost is included in the visit. It's not like I have to pay a bar tab at the end of my visit. Is that wrong? I think not.

Anyway....

Since I only half-watch "30 Rock" I don't know if Liz Lemon has ever shared her thoughts on nitrous....but I bet she loves it!

The Bitch is BACK!

I blame AT+T for my hiatus. In an effort to reduce my monthly expenses I thought switching from Comcast to AT+T would save me money (so far? not the case at all)....all it has done so far is cost me money and leave me without Internet for nearly two weeks.

Now that I am reconnected with the world I have some things to say. Shocking, right?

Today, I share with you the tale of a (sorta) young city gal who ventured to the "wrong side of the tracks" to the Comcast office to return her cable and internet equipment.

Comcast moved from what one could call a rough neighborhood in my city to what could be called the suburban white trash capital of the metropolitan area. This was my first...and thankfully last...visit to their facility.

Driving into the parking lot I noticed all the "accessible" parking spots were taken and that several people had made their own parking spots in the fire lane. However, there was PLENTY of parking at the back of the lot, which of course, is where I parked. It's not like we're talking mall sized parking lot here or anything.

Opening the door, a smell hit me. Feet. The place reeked of feet. I am not talking the smells of sea salts and acetone when one is getting a pedicure, people, I am talking smelly old gym socks.

I choked back a gag and took my place at the end of the line.

Quickly assessing the long line that snaked through the building and nearly out the door, I quickly determined I was the prettiest, wealthiest and most highly educated person in the line. That's not saying much. I felt the need to Tweet this using my BlackBerry (surely I was the only person there with a BlackBerry)....then quickly deleted it because I sounded like a total narcissist. Now I am writing it. Oh well. I really did feel that way, ok? And - - I really did feel it was a very sad statement about my surroundings. I may be highly educated but that's about it.

The line moved slowly, giving me plenty of time to take in my surroundings. I came to the conclusion that Comcast must be required in the rental agreements at all area trailer parks and subsidized housing because the majority of the people in line with me clearly lived in one of those two places.

After drawing that conclusion I felt terrible. I mean, who am I to judge? I started cringing thinking about roasting marshmallows for Satan in hell as it is immensely clear that's where I am heading....and then I overheard an...interesting conversation between a woman with no front teeth, her friend and a very pregnant woman in line. No Teeth decided she couldn't stand in the line - it was just too much for her. So, she made her friend hold her place in the line while she sat in a plastic chair with a bunch of other lazy people who also couldn't muster the energy to stand in line.

No Teeth and Friend weren't returning equipment, and I heard them talking about getting their service reconnected. Somebody didn't pay her cable bill! Well, she certainly didn't spend that money at the dentist (I am so going to hell, going to hell, going to hell). While sitting, No Teeth struck up a conversation with the pregnant woman (who was probably no more than 21) - I'll call her Preggers.

No Teeth asked Preggers how far along she was and Preggers answered but then told this whole story how she hoped "this one"  (how many are there, I wondered?) is a boy but if it isn't she'll just try again. Like it was no big deal. Preggers told No Teeth all about this "crazy diet" her doctor wants her to observe while pregnant. Now, I've never been pregnant, however, this "crazy diet" sounded suspiciously like the food rules every single one of my friends who has ever been pregnant followed. Preggers went on to tell No Teeth she didn't follow that diet with the first two and, in fact, #2 is super smart - way ahead of her class and how she "don't need no crazy diet 'cause" her kids "are smart." She made it clear nothing is going to come between her and her 2 litre of Mountain Dew each day!

No Teeth then talked about her own pregnancies (let me add that No Teeth had some incredibly dirty hair....I shudder to think what the man who reproduced with her looks like) and told Preggers how she had her babies "nat-tral" (natural). No Teeth did not enjoy "nat-tral" child birth and, in fact, twice told Preggers how she "almost punched (her) momma in the face" during delivery.

You don't say? Tell me more.

Preggers then started talking about her Baby Daddies (my words, not hers). She has three of them. Of course she does (my words, yet again). But Baby Daddy #1 let Baby Daddy #2 adopt Baby #1 because she is "retarded" (her word, not mine). Was this not the same woman who just said her kids are "smart" and she "didn't need no crazy diet?" Yes, indeed, it was.

Some people should not be allowed to reproduce.

These two went on and finally, I just had to tune them out - I couldn't take it anymore. I imagined the tiny, dirty homes where they were raising their children and it just made me sad. I mean, I guess their children get their MTV right? They may grow up in filth and with four or five "daddies" but at least they can watch My Super Sweet 16 and The Hills (if that's even still on) and dream of different lives.

So, as I moved to the front of the line I could see all the people up at the desk being waited on....when something caught my eye. Money.

Money...a dollar bill actually, tattooed on the back of a young girl paying her cable bill in cash at the window.

I kid you not.

And this was a BIG dollar sign. I could only see maybe one fourth of it - it ran long ways from her back presumably to her butt cheeks. The girl with said tattoo was quite petite so I am not sure where that dollar bill went and frankly, I didn't want to know.

In an effort to stop staring at the back of Tattoo Girl, the older couple at the window next to her caught my attention. They were telling the poor customer service rep (If I worked there? I would insist a gas mask be included as mandatory work attire) how they "just gotta have" their Showtime, HBO and Cinemax.

Sure, their clothes had holes, and they looked like they hadn't bathed in a few days (probably alternating shower days to save on their water bill)....but they couldn't live without their premium cable channels. What is that all about?

When it was my turn I returned the equipment and booked the hell out of there - thankful to breathe fresh air after 45 minutes in the "feet" line.

Back outside in the sunshine, I reflected on my visit to Comcast. It made me a little sad. It made me a lot thankful (thankful I have my life and not the life of No Teeth, Preggers or Tattoo Girl)...and then it made me a little uncomfortable as once again I envisioned me, a stick, some fire and a supply of marshmallows that go on for all eternity.

Yep - the bitch is back!

Things I would have blogged about...

If I could have...meaning, if I would have gotten off my lazy butt and gone to the library or something after work to write my blog while waiting for AT+T to get their act together and get my service hooked up:

• The death of my iPod (still mourning the loss). In fact, I am so traumatized by this it may still come up in a future entry.
• How I don't have SoapNet now that I have Dish Network and how I am suffering from "Days of Our Lives" withdrawal
• My car and how it had a terrible oil  leak that made me want to park it on the street on a snowy day and pray someone would plow right in to it
• My running progress...I can now do 3.1 miles in under 45 minutes (miracle) and that even includes stopping for icy patches that won't melt off sidewalks belonging to lazy neighbors
• How the Biggby Skinny Skinny Mocha Mocha is far superior to the Starbucks Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte
• A friend of mine found a gray hair "down there" and was so traumatized she had to tell me about it - she had a total Samantha SATC moment. Poor thing.
• AT+T and their so called "customer service" and how I wasted a total of five hours of my life on the phone with them in the course of two weeks
• Speaking of wasted hours, my thoughts on "Twilight" the movie - I finally saw it, officially ending my boycott of all things "Twilight" and felt as though two hours have been snatched from my life watching that teeny bopper crap that I will never get back

Yeah...I suppose that's everything. I am a "blog in the moment" type of gal unless it is something really good (see "The Bitch is Back" for an example) so I will let these go. It's really too bad. However, in my world, there is always something "blogworthy" just around the corner!