The Bitch is BACK!

I blame AT+T for my hiatus. In an effort to reduce my monthly expenses I thought switching from Comcast to AT+T would save me money (so far? not the case at all)....all it has done so far is cost me money and leave me without Internet for nearly two weeks.

Now that I am reconnected with the world I have some things to say. Shocking, right?

Today, I share with you the tale of a (sorta) young city gal who ventured to the "wrong side of the tracks" to the Comcast office to return her cable and internet equipment.

Comcast moved from what one could call a rough neighborhood in my city to what could be called the suburban white trash capital of the metropolitan area. This was my first...and thankfully last...visit to their facility.

Driving into the parking lot I noticed all the "accessible" parking spots were taken and that several people had made their own parking spots in the fire lane. However, there was PLENTY of parking at the back of the lot, which of course, is where I parked. It's not like we're talking mall sized parking lot here or anything.

Opening the door, a smell hit me. Feet. The place reeked of feet. I am not talking the smells of sea salts and acetone when one is getting a pedicure, people, I am talking smelly old gym socks.

I choked back a gag and took my place at the end of the line.

Quickly assessing the long line that snaked through the building and nearly out the door, I quickly determined I was the prettiest, wealthiest and most highly educated person in the line. That's not saying much. I felt the need to Tweet this using my BlackBerry (surely I was the only person there with a BlackBerry)....then quickly deleted it because I sounded like a total narcissist. Now I am writing it. Oh well. I really did feel that way, ok? And - - I really did feel it was a very sad statement about my surroundings. I may be highly educated but that's about it.

The line moved slowly, giving me plenty of time to take in my surroundings. I came to the conclusion that Comcast must be required in the rental agreements at all area trailer parks and subsidized housing because the majority of the people in line with me clearly lived in one of those two places.

After drawing that conclusion I felt terrible. I mean, who am I to judge? I started cringing thinking about roasting marshmallows for Satan in hell as it is immensely clear that's where I am heading....and then I overheard an...interesting conversation between a woman with no front teeth, her friend and a very pregnant woman in line. No Teeth decided she couldn't stand in the line - it was just too much for her. So, she made her friend hold her place in the line while she sat in a plastic chair with a bunch of other lazy people who also couldn't muster the energy to stand in line.

No Teeth and Friend weren't returning equipment, and I heard them talking about getting their service reconnected. Somebody didn't pay her cable bill! Well, she certainly didn't spend that money at the dentist (I am so going to hell, going to hell, going to hell). While sitting, No Teeth struck up a conversation with the pregnant woman (who was probably no more than 21) - I'll call her Preggers.

No Teeth asked Preggers how far along she was and Preggers answered but then told this whole story how she hoped "this one"  (how many are there, I wondered?) is a boy but if it isn't she'll just try again. Like it was no big deal. Preggers told No Teeth all about this "crazy diet" her doctor wants her to observe while pregnant. Now, I've never been pregnant, however, this "crazy diet" sounded suspiciously like the food rules every single one of my friends who has ever been pregnant followed. Preggers went on to tell No Teeth she didn't follow that diet with the first two and, in fact, #2 is super smart - way ahead of her class and how she "don't need no crazy diet 'cause" her kids "are smart." She made it clear nothing is going to come between her and her 2 litre of Mountain Dew each day!

No Teeth then talked about her own pregnancies (let me add that No Teeth had some incredibly dirty hair....I shudder to think what the man who reproduced with her looks like) and told Preggers how she had her babies "nat-tral" (natural). No Teeth did not enjoy "nat-tral" child birth and, in fact, twice told Preggers how she "almost punched (her) momma in the face" during delivery.

You don't say? Tell me more.

Preggers then started talking about her Baby Daddies (my words, not hers). She has three of them. Of course she does (my words, yet again). But Baby Daddy #1 let Baby Daddy #2 adopt Baby #1 because she is "retarded" (her word, not mine). Was this not the same woman who just said her kids are "smart" and she "didn't need no crazy diet?" Yes, indeed, it was.

Some people should not be allowed to reproduce.

These two went on and finally, I just had to tune them out - I couldn't take it anymore. I imagined the tiny, dirty homes where they were raising their children and it just made me sad. I mean, I guess their children get their MTV right? They may grow up in filth and with four or five "daddies" but at least they can watch My Super Sweet 16 and The Hills (if that's even still on) and dream of different lives.

So, as I moved to the front of the line I could see all the people up at the desk being waited on....when something caught my eye. Money.

Money...a dollar bill actually, tattooed on the back of a young girl paying her cable bill in cash at the window.

I kid you not.

And this was a BIG dollar sign. I could only see maybe one fourth of it - it ran long ways from her back presumably to her butt cheeks. The girl with said tattoo was quite petite so I am not sure where that dollar bill went and frankly, I didn't want to know.

In an effort to stop staring at the back of Tattoo Girl, the older couple at the window next to her caught my attention. They were telling the poor customer service rep (If I worked there? I would insist a gas mask be included as mandatory work attire) how they "just gotta have" their Showtime, HBO and Cinemax.

Sure, their clothes had holes, and they looked like they hadn't bathed in a few days (probably alternating shower days to save on their water bill)....but they couldn't live without their premium cable channels. What is that all about?

When it was my turn I returned the equipment and booked the hell out of there - thankful to breathe fresh air after 45 minutes in the "feet" line.

Back outside in the sunshine, I reflected on my visit to Comcast. It made me a little sad. It made me a lot thankful (thankful I have my life and not the life of No Teeth, Preggers or Tattoo Girl)...and then it made me a little uncomfortable as once again I envisioned me, a stick, some fire and a supply of marshmallows that go on for all eternity.

Yep - the bitch is back!