My first thought when I heard? For real, this is what I said, "Damn! I wish I was Oprah's long lost sister!"
And that got me thinking....
Oprah, is there any way we could be related?
Seriously, girlfriend....you and I look more alike than you and that woman who came on your show trying to claim my spot as the rightful heiress to the O fortune your sister who, by the way, as your real sister, could care less about your fame and fortune.
Look at us! We are both wearing red in our photos and we have similar hair....I LOVE pearls and though I am sure the ones you are wearing are real (p.s., sis, my birthday is in September so I am thinking I should get on sending my half birthday wish list your way ASAP)...we're both Democrats (and I guess I can work past our political differences over the best Democrat candidate for President in the 2010 election...in the name of being sisters and all)...you live in Chicago and I live near Chicago (well, like 3 hours away but I can take the Amtrak to visit you on holidays until you buy me that Cadillac Escalade)....you love dogs, I love dogs (Gracie's birthday is in the summer, she'll get to work on her wish list as well - she likes anything Kate Spade)....we're both single and childless (meaning, you only have to buy holiday/birthday/random Friday gifts for ME)...we both like to read (I already have a Kindle, but thanks anyway...though an iPad would be lovely for reading in the dark) and, the most obvious similarity, we both struggle with our weight (so please send a team of personal trainers and personal chefs my way pronto so I can look good for my debut on the OWN Network, ok?)!
See, Oprah, see? I really think you need to ditch that lady who is clearly just after your money, I mean, of course she didn't tell the tabloids about her suspicions - no one crosses The O! Besides, you have way more money than any silly tabloid would ever pay out. You alone could probably solve the nation's debt crisis...I am surprised your pal Barack (sure you won't mind if I call him that) hasn't hit you up for a loan yet! Whatever you do, don't it! Family first, sis, family first. You must take care of your own and you know, billions of dollars can only go so far.
Anyway, my dear, dear Oprah, I hope one day you will acknowledge me (just don't ask for a DNA test or anything) as your long lost sister (or cousin, or daughter, or auntie....we don't have to get stuck on labels) and, well, as they say, hook a sister up!
