Try to catch me ridin' dirty

'Hood rats, beware! There's a new sheriff in town (well, sort of) and her name? J-E-N.

You've got that, betches, I've joined the neighborhood Mobile Watch Patrol.

I'm already a little overzealous about this and my friend Rachael already warned me that this does not give me carte blanche to become some sort of neighborhood vigilante. We'll see about that....

I have a feeling I'll be the youngest volunteer on Mobile Watch Patrol. When Gerri pulled up in her Buick to drop off the information I took note of her tight perm and cardigan sweater and quickly realized I could be her granddaughter. That's cool though - I can hang with the old folks. It's all about stopping crime!

In my orientation materials I reviewed some information on "conditions, persons, and vehicles that may indicate criminal activity" and must share some highlights:

• A license plate held on with wires, a covered license plate or a missing license plate. Tricky, tricky, that wire thing!
• Dirty car, clean plates or vice versa. Hmmm...these old folks patrol from midnight to 3 a.m. so my question is can they even see well enough to notice this?
• Vehicles the drop one or more people off and either stay or cruise the area. Oh, duh, this happens with the house I suspect is a drug house across the street from me all day, every day, round the clock!
• Persons running, particularly late at night. I assume these are persons not dressed in appropriate running attire - you know, sweat band, GPS watch, etc.
• Persons not dressed right for the existing weather conditions. Now, if this is a crime, jails should be full. I always see morons wearing shorts when it is 50 degrees out. It really should be illegal - that's just tacky.

The coolest thing about the Mobile Watch Patrol? They ride around with spotlights and police scanners! Now they can't shine the spotlight inside of homes but still, that's pretty cool. They also report incidences in military time (how hard core is that?!?) and they use what I would guess are police lingo abbreviations. For example, ATT - attempt and MDOP - malicious destruction of property.

So much to learn - military time, police abbreviations, how to properly operate the spotlight and what to talk to a bunch of old folks about while cruising the crime infested streets in the wee hours of the night (for example, I don't think my Lady Gaga or Carrie Bradshaw references will fly).....

My first ride is the first weekend in June. I can't wait to share a full report of who and what I bust!

"Are you going to clean that up?"

My house must have the bodily function equivalent of a "Kick Me" sign on it that can only be seen by my trashy neighbors.

Today I am working from home. I was just in the kitchen heating up some lunch when Gracie went crazy. I came into the living room to see a dog taking a dump in my front yard with his owner standing by. Seriously?

As soon as I saw the owner did not have a bag in his hand I popped out and said, "Are you going to clean that up."

Exasperated, the owner responded, "Yeah, I've gotta go get a bag."

That's when I noticed the dog wasn't even on a leash - he was holding it by the collar.

I probably sound like crazy, paranoid lady but why the heck would he "walk" his dog without a leash? Clearly he was just taking the dog out onto someones yard to let it take a dump and move on.

About five minutes later he returned with a plastic bag and the dog on the leash.

I'm glad it is cleaned up but, seriously, people, my yard is NOT a dumping ground for your dog crap, your Dairy Queen cup, your cigarettes or your used condoms!

Excuse me, I think you left your DNA in my yard....

First, let me say I will never go this long without a blog entry again. I apologize to the whole three of you who read this blog on a regular basis!

THIS is worth the wait.

So, you know my neighborhood is sort of, well, ghetto and keeps getting worse, right? In fact, my neighborhood is in such a downward spiral that two weeks ago someone was CARJACKED outside of my home. CARJACKED. IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE. AT GUN POINT.

You get the point.

I find this incredibly disturbing. Here's the thing, I personally have no fear of being carjacked. I drive a beat up Sebring with constant flat tires and 135,000 miles. Take it - please! In fact, if I were to witness a carjacking I would probably stop the car, run out and offer mine. And then I'm sure the carjacker would laugh in my face. Or shoot me, leaving my car behind, of course.

Where was I? Oh yeah, fantasizing about getting a new car....anyway, I don't fear being a victim of this particular crime. However, I fear the fact that this crime would take place IN FRONT OF MY HOME.

Not to mention, this carjacker must not have the highest standards. Seriously, you should see some of the cars that drive down my street. This is not exactly Mercedes-ville, ok?

As if the carjacking isn't bad enough, today my next door neighbors told me they're walking away from their home. Awesome. There goes my home value and, even worse, there goes the neighborhood. Other than that time they (wrongly) thought Gracie killed their cat, they are nice, normal and quiet. Seriously, I'm fortunate because at least the people on each side of me and directly across the street are normal. I am seriously freaked out about who or what will move in next door.

The neighbor dropped the bomb this afternoon while I was doing yard work. The yard work eventually took me behind my garage where I plant my garden. Since it's Michigan I have yet to plant anything - I was just going back there to check out the weed situation.

That's when I spotted something irregular.

Something that does NOT belong in one's garden.

Something round, white and latex.

And I'm not talking about a balloon.

Yes, friends - there, on the ground where I will plant tomatoes, was a USED CONDOM.

I want to know how a used condom got in my garden. Wait, sorry, I am gagging a little.

Gracie goes back there all the time. She has probably sniffed it or worse - uh, gagging some more. It has been back there at least three weeks.

Should I get Gracie a STD test? I want to just go and Lysol the dirt. I know that sounds insane but I feel so violated.

Am I overreacting? I don't think so. No one should have to worry that when she goes into her garden to pick peppers and cucumbers she going to find a latex surprised filled with the DNA of a stranger.

I am so utterly disgusted.

Anyone wanna buy a house?