Monday, February 22, 2010

Run, Jen, run!

Let me start by saying my blog is not going to turn in to something dedicated to my quest for improved physical fitness or anything, ok? You want to read an excellent story about a pleasantly plump fashionable former sorority girl named Jen chronicling her attempt at weight loss? Someone already told that story and it's a million times funnier than anything I could write...so go and buy Jen Lancaster's "Such a Pretty Fat."

However, when I Tweeted that I was out jogging some people were surprised so I feel the need to explain. In a nutshell:  yes - I am "running" (I use that term loosely) the Fifth Third River Bank 5K in May;  yes - I hate "running"; yes - it did take me over 15 minutes to "run" a mile in high school gym class; yes - when I was in the best shape of my life as an adult I did run twice a day even though I hated it; so yes - I do think I can do this...even if I am the last person to finish the freaking run.

In my efforts to someday run 3.1 miles all in one day, preferably in like less than an hour, I need to start getting out there and running. Living in Michigan, outdoor running in February is a challenge. However, we had some gorgeous days last week so I took full advantage. Well, I tried.

My number one winter time pet peeve as an urban dweller? Neighbors who cannot get off their fat asses and shovel their sidewalks. Every time I try to walk the dog or "run" this is an issue and I just don't get it. Where I live the kids walk to school; plenty of neighbors take public transportation and need to walk to bus stops in the neighborhood; the mailman delivers the mail on foot, etc. So, it's just the "neighborly" thing to do. I know I sure as hell don't want someone suing me because they slipped on a sidewalk I was too lazy to shovel.

Many times this winter I've muttered to myself about lazy people as the dog and I tried to navigate ruddy, icy, snow packed sidewalks. However, this weekend I took it to a whole new level.

On Saturday the shining sun melted most of the snow on the pavement....with the exception of places where they pavement has not been shoveled ALL WINTER. Sadly, on my one mile "run" I encountered this every other block.

At about the half mile, I lost it.

For the last half mile of my "run," this is what I would yell as I came upon offending sidewalks: "Get off your lazy asses and shovel your f**king sidewalk!!!!"

So yeah, there I was....big old girl with her blazing red UGA zip up hoodie, face blazing red from exertion and anger, yelling like a crazy woman all throughout my neighborhood. Not sure what came over me.

Here's the deal, I am a really selfish person. I tend to put my needs before the needs of anyone else. (I mean, clearly, if you've read any of my previous blog entries you totally get that). And I'll admit, I am probably so anal retentive about shoveling my sidewalk (and driveway for that matter) because of aesthetics (I don't want people to think I am white trash), not because I am concerned about the people walking on it.

My city has an ordinance on the books that residents must shovel if three or more inches of snow falls. This ordinance is so not enforced. However, I will say I did report some of my neighbors earlier this winter because I almost fell walking the dog and shortly thereafter their sidewalks were not only snow free, they had even been salted. Take that. So, the ordinance is enforced when people (like me) complain.

I live in a (very) conservative city. During the final block of my "run" I started wondering if my conservative city has one of those public profanity laws on the books. I need to investigate...and watch my mouth...otherwise, I could be totally f**ked.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

"And where's the flatware for going on vacation...alone?"

Valentine's Day.


According to Twitter, "Valentine's Day is celebrated Feb. 14 by showing some love for your significant other."

And those without a "significant other" - in other words - those of us who are single? What about us?

I begrudgingly acknowledge that Carrie Bradshaw is not a real person...though if she were she would totally be my idol. Nothing tells the story of being single, fabulous (definitely not broke) and thirysomething better than Sex and the City.

In my all-time favorite episode, "A Woman's Right to Shoes" my would-be idol Carrie hit the nail on the head when she pointed out that after a certain age, if you are single, there is not one occasion where people celebrate you (since we all have birthdays she says it doesn't count - go to the last minute of the clip to hear what she said).

She's absolutely right. So, where does that leave us single people on these Hallmark holidays like Valentine's Day and Sweetest Day (isn't one holiday enough - do relationship people really need two?)?

Traditionally, I spend Valentine's Day with my single girlfriends - we go out to dinner, drink some wine, gossip and just have a good time. In fact, a couple of years ago we were out to dinner on V Day and a nearby table was full of elderly ladies doing the same thing we were. It was pretty cool.

Alas, this year, my usual "dates" have real dates (Bitches! Ha, ha - just kidding. Or am I?) or are out of town to avoid the holiday all together (you people suck too, ok?).

One as accustomed to not having a "valentine" as myself is not phased by any of this, really.

I look at this as a day to celebrate my freedom and my independence. This will sound bitchy (shocking, I know) but there are plenty of married moms my age out there who would kill to trade places with me. I come and go as I please, do what I want when I want and I don't have to answer to anyone. If I want to fly out of town for the weekend, the only "sitter" I have to find is for my dog! And you know, I would not trade my existence with one of those married moms my age for a million dollars. OK, maybe for a million dollars because then I would be debt free and could buy a new car and all the Kate Spade bags I want but....wait no, because kids are REALLY expensive and I suppose I would have to feed and clothe them...so it would really have to be more like ten or 20 million....

The sad thing is, when us single people celebrate (or try to celebrate) our singlehood, we're often judged or ridiculed by our friends in relationships. Why is that? No, I don't have a husband or children but yes, I do have a real life, a great one in fact! So please don't judge me when I want to celebrate it (seriously, I had an "I don't have a mortgage, I don't have a husband and I don't have a baby" party a few years back to mostly make fun of myself because of an issue with nearly buying a condo and it hurt feelings and ruined friendships - that was NOT the intention)!

On this Valentine's Day...

Celebrate love - love for your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend, love for your friends, love for your sibilings, love for your parents, love for your pets.....love for yourself.

Single ladies, what I am saying is Valentine's Day isn't just for those in relationships. So go out there and celebrate YOU - celebrate your freedom, your independence, your love for where you are in your life right now - and tell those who may judge you (whether they are in a relationship or single) to screw off!

In the immortal words of Carrie Bradshaw (overkill, I know, but I can't help it)  in the last episode of SATC, "...the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." 

Friday, February 12, 2010

Give me a "brake"

My car is a constant source of personal frustration.

I hate the damn thing, just hate it.

In the past, I always loved my cars - I've been the owner of a series of convertibles and when I moved to West Michigan (a.k.a. the snowbelt of Michigan) I became the proud owner of a Jeep Grand Cherokee. Though not a convertible, the Grand Cherokee had been my dream car in high school (I'm a freak!) and I felt like I had "arrived" driving that thing around town.

Long story short, I started commuting a long distance to work and had to ditch the Jeep because I couldn't afford to fill the gas tank on a daily basis. (In fact, I am probably still paying for gas charged to my AmEx during the gas price spike of 2006!)

Now I drive a Chrysler Sebring SEDAN. If the car in question was a Chrysler Sebring Convertible I would have nothing to complain about. However, that hard top (not to mention lack of four wheel drive) makes me loathe this car.

It always has a flat tire, it's an ugly shade of silver/blue/green, it gets crappy gas mileage and it does not handle snow and ice well. And, did I mention it has a hard top?

Literally two days after my latest car repair one of my brake lights stopped working.

Now, I am all about my life as an empowered, independent single woman who doesn't need a man to be happy or to do shit for me. Except when it comes to my car.

When it comes to car stuff I am a total drama queen.

It freaks me out - car repairs are always expensive and being without transportation during said repairs is always a challenge.

Knowing burnt out tail light is a minor thing in the car world I decided I could handle it myself.

Of course, I bitched about the situation for a week to anyone who would listen...like that would make the Car Repair Fairy (oh, I wish there were such a thing) appear at my garage door and fix it or something!

Today at lunch I pulled out the owner's manual and went to AutoZone to get the bulb. First time I had ever looked at that thing. Frankly I didn't even know I had an owner's manual until today.

Acquired bulb and got down to business.

Owner's manual? Yeah, so not helpful. It failed to mention that I would actually need to remove the entire tail light from the body of the car. The diagram showed me diagrams of pulling out a bunch of wires - NOT removing an entire tail light!

I called my dad in a panic and he tried to talk me through it but some things just don't translate over the phone. I suppose asking things like "Do I need to pull out the plastic sqaure thingy with the wires?" was not helpful. That's just the payback I deserve for the other day when I was trying to help him navigate the internet over the phone (wouldn't recommend trying that either).

He finally suggested I ask a male co-worker for help but I was determined I could do this myself.

I hung up then twisted, turned, pulled some more and boom - light bulb found!

The light bulb I removed was half the size of the replacement blub AutoZone sold me.

Shoot.

Tried to stick large bulb in "just in case" but, of course, it didn't work.

In a snit, I drove back to AutoZone.

I showed the salesman the bulb I removed from the car. Inidignant, he told me what I had in my hand - you know, the bulb I just REMOVED from the tail light - was not the right bulb. I invited him to see if for himself but he declined my offer and sold me the bulb that matched the one I had removed, all the while acting like I would just be right back to make yet another return.

Another reason I can't handle car stuff? Because men that know cars (or think they know cars) treat women like we're total idiots. I may not be a car expert but clearly this bulb was not going to work in my tail light!

Determined to prove AutoBoy wrong, I decided to replace the bulb right there in the parking lot (now that I am an expert at removing the tail light). In a few short minutes the new bulb was in.

I started the engine and propped my portable air compressor against the brake (I told you the tires are always flat! This is no joke - I have to inflate a tire at least every other week), ran around back and both brake lights were working!

It's crazy, but I felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. Sounds silly, but I definitely got an adrenaline rush out of it. Part of me wanted to run in to the store say "nah nah nah nah nah-nah" to AutoBoy but I refrained.

As a single woman who owns her own home and car, it can be really frustrating when something is broken, something large needs to be assembled/moved, etc. and it's something I could easily handle if I just had a little help.

Today was one small step toward maybe being more of a drama princess than drama queen when it comes to car stuff, but I feel like it was really one giant leap!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

A sad but true story of addiction

I have fallen off the wagon.

Can a true addict ever really be "cured" of an addiction? Conventional wisdom says no. The best an addict can do is keep away from the vice. What am I saying here? I am saying an alcoholic, for example, should probably steer clear of Burbon Street this time of year (or any time of year really).

But, when a vice is dangled in front of an addict-  it is hard to resist.

Especially when this happens every day at the same time.

For me, it was simply a matter of "days"....

My name is Jen, and I am a "Days of Our Lives"-aholic.

It all started in high school, when Vivian buried Carly alive and Marlena was possessed by the Devil himself. It only took a few episodes and I was hooked.

In college I literally scheduled my classes around "Days" - meaning I never had a 1 p.m. class and drove like a maniac from the sorority house to campus to make it for 2 p.m. classes. These were the days before DVR, people, and taping it with my VHS player just wasn't the same as watching it with a houseful of girls!

I spent the first two years of life after college traveling constantly for work. During that time, grounded co-workers would keep me up to speed on my favorite show.

Then I entered a more traditional work world and slowly I started to break the habit, though I would religiously read the now defunct Dustin's Days Page...ah, that Dustin, he was something. He would recap episodes of "Days" scene by scene and post them on his web site - complete with photos.

As time passed I became more and more caught up with work and real life ...at the same time, "Days" started sending away my favorite characters and focuing time on 'tweens. When it appeared the 'tweens had taken over Salem (where "Days" takes place - duh!) I sort of gave up watching - except for Christmastime - I always had to see Gran (Grandma Horton) hang the Horton family ornaments on the Christmas tree!

A year and a half ago I moved, and we all know moving means new cable. With trepidation, I turned the tv on that first day, knowing SoapNet was part of the new cable package and that "Days" was rebroadcast on SoapNet daily. I was determined to stay clean. Fortunately for me, the 'tween stories were the main focus of the show during that time. I could have given a flying flip about Chelsea, Stephanie, Max or the nerdy dude who was a fake Horton...so I didn't give "Days" the time of day. Plus, it was on at 11 p.m. and let's face it - that's about my bed time.

Recently, all of that changed.

It was a cold and snowy weeknight in January. I sat on my couch with a glass of wine to unwind after a long day and started flipping through the channels.

Passing through the 100s, a familiar face appeared on my screen. I stopped. My mouth dropped open. My eyes widened. I set the glass of wine on the coffee table and then moved forward.

There she was  - the queen of mean herself - Vivian Alamain.

I thought "What is 'Days' doing on at 6 and, wtf, Vivian's back?!?"

The episode continued...the 'tweens were gone, Vivian was up to her old tricks, Carly was back (BOO!!! I hope next time Vivian buries her alive she stays buried), Bo and Hope were on but broken up (NOOOO!!!!! LEAVE THEM ALONE PLEASE - THEY'VE SUFFERED ENOUGH!!), Stefano was back and up to his old tricks (the villian we all love to hate)...this is MY "Days!"

And then I thought, "Oh no, I am in trouble."

Like an addict in denial I convinced myself that I would watch that one night only.

That's it. Just get caught up and then end it.

That was nearly one month ago.

Today I sit here fully up to speed on the goings on in Salem. I can tell you who is together, who is broken up, who is back from the dead, who is knocked up, who is on drugs, etc. In fact, I just finished watching today's epsiode.

I thought I had kicked the habit - and that I could stay clean.

Addiction, I am learning, knows no time or circumstance. An addict is always an addict.

Damn you, SoapNet, damn you.

Monday, February 8, 2010

"Vaguebooking": An analysis

On Feb. 3, Urban Dictionary nailed it.

I could never find the right words to describe those intentionally vague Facebook status updates some of my friends post on a regular basis....and then, as though I was sitting in a dark room and someone flipped the light switch on....I learned of a new word: "vaguebooking."

Jackpot! Finally, a word for this annoying Facebook phenomenon!

A small handful of my Facebook friends are habitual vaguebookers. These individuals commit this offense so often that other friends and I often discuss their "crazy posts." The conversation used to be, "Hey - did you see (Identity is being hidden to protect the guilty)'s ambiguous Facebook status?" or "Oh my gosh, what's the deal with (Identity is being hidden to protect the guilty)'s Facebook status?"

Since Feb. 3 the world has changed. We can simply say, "(Identity is being hidden to protect the guilty) is vaguebooking again!" LOVE IT.

Some real life examples of vaguebooking that just drove me nuts:

Guilty Party- who is a single woman with no dating prospects - "I think he loves me!"
Friend 1  - "Who?"
Friend 2  - "Spill it!"
Friend 3 - "Did you have a hot date?"
Friend 4 - "Do you have a new boyfriend?"
....and on and on and guess what, Guilty Party NEVER answers any of their questions. In this particular case, my friends and I concluded she was talking about a dog or an imaginary friend or something since she never came clean.

-or-

Guilty Party - "just doesn't understand some......"
Friend 1 - "Seriously?? WTF??"
Friend 2 - "hope your ok" (**side note - I can't handle people who don't know your v. you're and their v. there)
Friend 3 - "what's up?"
Guilty Party - "Some things are just better left unsaid..."
OK, Guilty Party - if it's best left unsaid then DON'T SAY IT TO BEGIN WITH!

-and finally-

The desperate cry for attention that makes everyone feel too uncomfortable to acknowledge.
Guilty Party - "I am just so over this.This wasn't supposed to happen this time around..."
Personally, this is my favorite type of vaguebooking because it leaves the vaguebooker a little empty inside. I envision this person sitting on the computer, just waiting for the little red notification to pop up that someone, anyone, commented on his/her status but alas....no one dared comment.

I am not perfect - I have been guilty of vaguebooking on occasion. But, I can honestly say it was not to draw attention to myself nor was it to habitual. The true vaguebookers are those that slide down the slippery slope...it starts with one ambigous post....all your "friends" ask what's going on...you get a rush from the attention....you decide to keep them wanting more (see examples above)...then week after week...sometimes day after day or hour after hour you vaguebook. It's like a drug. And you can't stop it.

Now that there is a term for this habit/drug/annoying thing, my hope is vaguebookers will realize their addiction and seek help. Shall I suggest vaguebooking rehab to Urban Dictionary as a new word of the day?