What goes around comes around

It was like a message from above.

I got it in my head to go to this new Goodwill store that opened super close to the hometown of Amway International. In other words, a Goodwill where the wealthy of my area are likely to drop off their unwanted goods.

Let me say - I only go to Goodwill to donate. I may be sort of broke but I am also sort of a snob. I'd rather by designer shoes on clearance than wonder whose feet have been in my shoes! OK, I did shop Goodwill  once in college - but it was to buy clothes for this night of fun with  my sorority where we dressed our big sisters up in crazy clothes, took them to the bar and got them drunk. In this day and age it would be called "hazing" but in my day it was good, clean, old fashioned fun! I digress....

I am looking for a cheap bookshelf for my basement because my bookshelves are overflowing (oh, if I only had a Kindle!). Something just told me "Go to Goodwill!" So, I picked up one of my city dwelling friends and we trekked out to the 'burbs.

Goodwill's furniture selection was pitiful and the whole place smelled like dust. I was so not impressed. My friend always manages to find something at Goodwill and she had found a really cute skirt for $3.

While waiting for her to check out, my gaze turned to the one locked glass cabinet in the store. It had some cheap jewelry so I wondered why they even bother when something on the very bottom shelf caught my eye.

Earlier this week I told you I can spot a fake Kate a mile away. Even with the glass between us I knew this was no fake.

This is Classic Noel Brown Bea clutch with the 14K plated KS emblem! Complete with dust bag! When this line came out with the KS emblems I was soooo tempted to buy one but I held back. Also, I don't have enough brown in my handbag collection and you know how I feel about the color red, so I've been admiring this particular pattern for some time.

This one is gently used (I call it vintage) and let me tell you, Goodwill would have been better off selling this sucker on E Bay because they could have gotten double, maybe triple what they were asking for in the store but too bad...I snatched it up! I must admit, I do feel a tad guilty practically stealing from this charity. I suppose it was pure profit for them. Still....maybe I need to offer my services to help them price their gently used high end handbags?

In the end I didn't get a bookshelf...and I still really need one...and would have been better off putting the cash I spent on this bag toward a bookshelf....my books won't fit in this bag but it will look so cute with these brand new KORS Michael Kors boots I picked up last week (don't worry - they were on clearance)!

To Kate or not to Kate? I can't believe it was even a question.

Those who know me best know I have a slight obsession with all things Kate Spade.

I own many Kate Spade items, including but not limited to: flip flops, sunglasses (3 pairs), wallets (two), business card holders, pencil cases, calendars (past and present), jewelry, stemware (Larabee Dot - LOVE IT), fine China and, of course, handbags. Lots and lots of handbags.

I am not talking that cheap crap from Chinatown. Give me some credit - I can spot a fake Kate a mile away.

There was an incident at Marshall Fields a few years ago that best highlights how I truly feel about Kate Spade handbags.

I was there with a friend, way across from the handbag section in the fragrance section when my Kate Spade radar picked up on something new. I spotted IT! IT was at least 30 feet away but, I zoomed in as though I was looking through binoculars. A bag I had been drooling over on her web site was sitting there - - live and in person at my local Marshall Fields. I shouted "There it is!" (For real. Out loud. To no one and everyone around me, I guess) and darted across the store, leaving my friend in the dust. I was a woman possessed. By the time my friend made her way to the handbag department like a not deranged person, I had already snatched the bag off the shelf, proceeded to the checkout counter and was signing the charge slip ("Yes, I WILL be putting this on my Marshall Fields charge, thank you!").

Ah, those were the days.

I recently found myself at Nordstrom, in search of the perfect suit to meet the Governor of Michigan for a work thing earlier this week.

Because of my love obsession with Kate Spade purses I just had to stop by the handbag department while in the store.

Why does an alcoholic go to the bar? Is it a test of will? Self-torture? To get to the other side? All of the above?

On the sale table I spotted a beautiful red tote from Kate's Gramercy Park collection. Did I ever mention red is my favorite color? I picked it up, positioned it lovingly on my arm and ran to the mirror to admire how cute I looked. Then I got that rush that only a new Kate Spade bag on my arm (or new KS sunglasses on my face) can give me. It's amazing how a handbag can make me feel like a million dollars! Then I looked at the price tag. It wasn't a million dollars, but it might as well have been. It was on clearance....clearance price - a bargain $225.

The old me would have charged it and forgotten about it. A year later I would bitch about the balance on my credit card and wonder what the hell I had spent my money on. The new me is still paying for Kate Spade bags of shopping trips past charged to my American Express.

As new me admired the red Gramercy Park tote, I remembered how I nearly cried when my December heat bill arrived earlier that week and how it was about the price of said handbag...I realized I cannot afford this purchase because hell, I can barely afford the outrageous heat bill.

I sat the beautiful tote back on the sale table and got a little choked up.  I slowly walked away fighting back the tears....sad that the Gramercy Park tote and I had crossed paths but that our time together was fleeting.

I am sure said tote will go to a good home. It's all for the best, I guess. She probably belongs with someone who can afford to pay for her AND their heat bill...or someone who doesn't mind paying her off for years to come thanks to their friends at Visa, CitiCards, AmEx, etc.

 P.S. My two year old Gramercy Park Stevie bag looked fabulous with my new pink and black suit, making me feel like a million bucks at the event with the Gov. A tote would not have been a good choice for such an event and the red totally would have clashed anyway. What's the point of a new expensive purse if you can't show it off, right?

I always feel like somebody's watching me (and I have no privacy)

Now I know why, when I leave my house or when I walk past windows on the right side of my house, I feel as though someone is watching me. Someone is!

My next door neighbors are this crotchety, crabby older couple. They are nice to my dog but not very nice to me.

Last fall and winter I worked from home a lot and they would always stop and ask me what I am doing at home in the middle of the day. Frankly, I think they're just jealous because they babysit four monster grandchildren whose parents work boring 9-5 office jobs.

At the end of both this year and last year I ended up with a lot of vacation time that I was forced to use or lose. Last year I was actually able to not work during that time (amazing) and was home for about two and a half weeks at the end of December. One day I was shoveling my driveway mid-day and Cranky Old Man came outside (for no apparent reason), looked at me with disdain and yelled, "Don't you work?" I was so stunned I just stared at him while he shuffled his way back into the house.

Today I came home from work shortly after 5 p.m. (normal). Since I thankfully landed office space in my town (long, painful story) I have a short commute and no need to work from home anymore. So, they can't pick on me for that.

Don't worry - they found something.

I arrived home, let the dog out and as I was filling the bird feeder in the back yard Cranky Old Man came pulling in his driveway. He always BACKS in to the driveway and it is normally a ten minute process. Dude has lived there for like 40 years so you think he would have it nailed by now but not so much.

By the way, I dread any time I am outside and Cranky Old Man or Crabby Old Woman are outside. Just dread it.

I tried to rush Gracie in but nature was calling.

Normally after he backs in the car it usually takes him a good five minutes to shuffle from his garage to his house (and it's like a six step walk) and today was no exception.
Sure enough, he stopped me.

"Why have you been leaving your garage door propped up?"

Time out: Since it got bitter cold I have been propping my garage door open about six inches with a flower pot. Why, you ask? I am feeding a couple of stray cats and I don't know if they have somewhere to go in this cold weather or not so I want them to be able to go into my garage if needed.

Knowing Cranky Old Man hates cats (when I first moved in he INSISTED I owned the cat that Gracie was eventually accused of killing. Every DAY he would say "You sure that's not your cat?" Really? 'Cause it's not like the cat just "appeared" the day I moved in - they had the thing for at least two years before I showed up!!!), I made up a lie and said it's because the door has been difficult to open in the cold weather.

What I really wanted to say? "None of your G-D business, old man!"

I mean really, get a hobby!

What does he think? Does he think drug smugglers are using my garage as a hideout...or maybe it's an underground railroad type stop for illegal immigrants? Seriously? Seriously?

They really do watch every move I make. I've suspected this since I moved in but today Cranky Old Man totally confirmed it.

My Holiday Letter

I've been reading all those holiday letters that accompany Christmas cards (I didn't even send Christmas cards this year) and it got me thinking what my holiday letter would look like this year....

Dear Family and Friends,

I hope this letter finds you happy and healthy. As I type this, I  am polishing off a bottle of Two Buck Chuck (Merlot - I went for the heavy stuff) so I am feeling just dandy! My fingers and lips are a little tingly - but this shouldn't take too long!

Despite my yo-yo dieting and acid reflux, I am a happy and healthy thirtysomething. Seriously, my doctor told me I have "A+" cholesterol...I am not sure why she seemed so surprised as she said it but whatever.

2009 started off wonderfully with a fun night out with my friends at our favorite local dive bar (Kale's Korner). That night we met a midget (don't ask) who introduced us to these fabulous Kale's specialty drinks called the Orange Kiss and Purple Kiss and well, our lives haven't been the same since. We enjoy these drinks (available as a shot or a mixed drink) regularly now and this really has enriched our lives at the bar. We're regulars there but we also frequent the Birch Lodge, Logan's Alley, Republic/Rockwells, the BOB (reluctantly), Kopper Top...ok, you get my drift.

I saw several concerts this year including Counting Crows, Madonna (that bitch was three hours LATE for her own concert), Jimmy Buffett (as usual) and Rascal Flatts. Additionally, I reluctantly participated in stalking a celebrity while in New York City.
 
I traveled quite a bit for work: Atlanta, Dallas, Denver, Washington, D.C....I know I am missing some others in there. Since my local airport parking situation has been "under construction" (read new parking ramp being built that will result in more expensive parking fees) I can't tell you how much I have enjoyed getting to the airport HOURS early for these trips to catch the shuttle to the terminal! Twice, in fact, I had to literally run after the shuttle after it passed me by. It was really special. Thankfully, since I know people everywhere (practically) I used those trips to catch up with friends. In addition to seeing my friend Ashley in Dallas I also discovered that airport has a wine bar where you can actually taste wine on a layover or while waiting for a flight - who knew?
 
My "children" also keep me busy. Lucy is now 8, LuLu is 5 and Gracie is a busy body at 2.5 years. Not too much new to report about Lucy and LuLu...I mean, they're cats. They eat, sleep and poop. And run away from Gracie. Speaking of Gracie, she's just a...little angel. This year she managed to eat the television remote control, a hardcover copy of "Marley and Me" and...well, she almost ate a neighborhood Chiuaua. So, I enrolled my little angel in "special ed" and after eight weeks of classes (for what I spent on those damn classes I could have bought a new Kate Spade purse) she is marginally better than she was before.
 
Being a homeowner keeps me busy too. As a single woman, being a homeowner is....special. I live for Thursday nights when I get to take out the trash - as well as Sundays in the non-winter months when I get to mow the lawn! Oh, the joy! Oh, and don't get me started on how much I love shoveling feet of snow off my sidewalk and driveway as the asshole with the snowthrower two doors down only clears his little section of the sidewalk. Pure joy, I tell you, pure joy!

I wish all of you the best this holiday season. Best of luck with your holiday shopping. Personally, I am thrilled I don't have brave Toys R Us or similiar stores in search of a Zhu Zhu pet or the like. Good luck with that. I am going to curl up with my "cocoa" (fresh bottle of wine), pop in a DVD of "Sex and the City" or maybe my life story "Bridget Jones's Diary," drunk dial some friends and Facebook on my BlackBerry. The single life IS all it's cracked up to be!

Your friend,
Jen

A picture is worth a thousand words

If I were really fabulous, I would not hang out at a place like Kale's Korner.

Kale's (I pronounce it Cal's because apparently my water-downed Michigan accent won't let me say "Kale's") is a dive bar about 8 blocks from my house. They have karaoke on Saturday nights so that is usually when you will find me and my crew there. And every time we go, there's something interesting happening....

I could tell you many interesting stories of people we've seen and things we've witnessed, but I'll let the photos do the talking.

What is wrong with this photo?

Or this one? This woman is flat ironing another woman's hair. At the bar. Because she just "didn't have time" to do if before she left. If you had ever been to Kale's you would know how absurd this is since there is never a line to get in!

A bus load of drunken Santas and slutty elves:

A slutty elf accosting a guy she did not know while he karaoked:

Dude, it's 15 degrees out!

Just a nightmare!

I should not have written the word nightmare twice before I went to sleep last night because, oh man, did I have a heck of a nightmare!

This week has been particularly stressful, both personally and professionally. When I am stressed I tend to have vivid dreams.

Last night I dreamt I was on top of a high rise in New York. At the top of the building was a round above ground pool. I somehow ended up in the pool. And I was not alone. In with me....I can only describe it as "Jaws." A giant great white shark who was ready for dinner.

Suddenly, my sister was in the water with me and "Jaws" took a lunge at her so I pushed her out of the way and the shark started snacking on me. The water was pink because of the blood pouring out of my body, I could see its teeth ripping in to my legs. I screamed and I could feel myself swallowing water. Suddenly my cat Lucy was floating in the water and "Jaws" left me to do devour Lucy in one gulp.

The upshot? At least Beyonce was not in my dream. "Wiggy" would have been really jealous, maybe even mad! Even if it meant that part of the time I was being eaten by a shark.

Additionally, I totally know who "Jaws" represented...and this person better watch out. In 2010 I am going to go all Chief Brody on their ass!!

P.S. "Jaws" was my favorite movie as a child. Disturbing, I know.

A sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare? Or just a nightmare?

"Wiggy" and I had a discussion about Beyonce earlier this week.

Shocking, I know.

I made "Wiggy" a photo collage of our trip to "visit" Beyonce in New York. She proudly displays it on her desk at work so I see it every day.

Anyway, we were reminiscing and wondering if her bodyguard remembers us. I would imagine we were tough to forget. Especially "Wiggy," Century 21 shopping bag in hand staring up, mouth gaping at the open window on the top floor of the building (FYI - it's only a four story building).

Then we joked about how we would have totally been on CNN if her bodyguard would have tased us.

I think a lightbulb went off in "Wiggy's" head - her original plan for her next trip to NYC was to have a helicopter or airplane let her parachute out and onto the roof of Beyonce's building....but I think she may be contemplating this getting tased option.

If I blog that I am going to NYC with "Wiggy" any time in the near future please do me a favor and remind me not to go!