An example of nothing short of "jackassery"

Jackassery. I am 99.99 percent sure I learned that word from my favorite writer, Jen Lancaster. I want to make sure I give credit where credit is due for coining that phrase, because it truly describes my actions this past weekend.

I was a reader in a very big, Catholic wedding. I skipped the rehearsal because it would have required an additional five days away from home after just returning from six days away from home for work travel. Since I couldn't be there to practice, I followed the bride's instructions to arrive at the church a half an hour before the ceremony to find the other reader and get the scoop from her. I practiced my reading and arrived at the church one hour early just to be safe, skipping lunch (bad idea) and breakfast for that matter. I immediately tracked down my fellow reader, who told me to just go after her. Sounded good to me. Then I started to think about it.

"Isn't there a song between the two readings?" I asked. As a lifelong Catholic (I even went to Catholic school!) I should have known the answer. OK, in my gut I knew the answer (and it was YES) but I skipped lunch to make it to the church so all I could hear from my gut were hunger noises.

You can probably guess where this is going....the short version is no, I wasn't supposed to go right after reader number one and yes, yes, YES, there IS a song between the two readings. Ignoring my gut, and at the prompting of someone in my row who told me to "Go!" I marched up to the altar and started reading, despite the sheer look of horror on the bride's face (she is a good enough Catholic to know it goes reading, song, reading). As I opened my mouth I was promptly removed from the altar by the priest.

Worst. Nightmare. Come. True.

Public speaking doesn't phase me. I've spoken, read, sang, etc. in front of hundreds of people - no biggie. What does phase me? The prospect (or actual act) of screwing up someone's otherwise perfect wedding ceremony.

Walking off the altar, rejected, a vision of Bridget Jones popped into my head. You know, the scene where she has to introduce the guy who introduces the author and she totally screws it up? Yep, just like that. Thank goodness I didn't call the priest "Mr. Titspervert" or anything.

After the song, I was beckoned to the altar. I put on my best sorority girl smile, did my reading and sat back down, replaying the entire thing over and over in my head throughout the rest of the ceremony. Thankfully for the sake of bride and groom, the rest of the ceremony went off without a hitch.

Still feeling like I wanted to crawl into a hole and die, I was doing my best not to "be seen" at the reception. I sat my ass down at my assigned table and tried to hide in plain sight until I could no longer resist the lure of the open bar. Don't worry, while in line for a drink some guy I don't know stopped me to make a comment about my gaffe. I simply smiled at him.

Once I had my drink I practically ran back to my seat and momentarily thought about hiding under the table.

A little while later, I ventured to the bar with my pal Peasley thinking there would be safety in numbers. We were separated en route to the bar and, sure enough, yet another stranger approached me about it the minute I was alone. Again, all I did was smile at him.

Really? I felt horrible about the whole thing! Who are these people to come up to me and bring it up? I am not a total idiot - I did realize I screwed up. I think I got that memo when the priest removed me from the altar!

After the second incident, I vowed not to leave my seat at the reception and stayed true to that promise except for two quick trips to "tee tee" when the path to the ladies room was clear. Don't get me wrong, I contemplated not getting up to "tee tee." However,  I figured I had humiliated myself and messed things up for the bride and groom enough...I did not want to do any additional damage.

Luckily, I had good company at my table and had a wonderful time when I was engaged enough in conversation to not replay my screw up over (and over and over) in my head. The reception was a blast - the tequila was flowing and the attendees danced and celebrated all night long. I apologized to the parents of the bride, as well as the gracious bride and groom but still felt like a total jackass. In fact, I still feel like a total jackass. That's where "jackassery" comes in....perfect way to describe my failure to follow my gut!