Why camping is the most ridiculous idea of a "vacation." EVER.

Apparently I'm just full of rage these days. Blame it on the fact that I haven't taken a full week off work in over two years.

It's 4th of July weekend and I just escaped a major traffic jam - thankfully I was going against the traffic - because, unlike all those crazy people going "Up North" (it's a Michigan thing) I was heading back into the 'hood.

People primarily go "Up North" to do something I simply don't understand. Something so vile sounding I don't know why any rational person would do this. Yes, they go "Up North" to go camping.

Shudder.

The idea of camping makes me want to wretch.

Seriously, think about it. People go on camping vacations, right? They pack up all kinds of crap including a tent, sleeping bags, food, camping stoves (really?) and who knows what else....load down the car so it is heavier and therefore burns more gas....drive for countless hours to, in most cases, pay for a place to dump all their crap. Once said crap is dumped, they're forced to crap in community bathrooms (if they're lucky), cook their own meals and clean up after themselves and then sleep in tents....in the summer...with no air conditioning. Oh, and bears and skunks may attack the campers in their sleep.

How the hell is this appealing?

Seriously! I was giving a friend who is one of the thousands of "campers" in Michigan this weekend a hard time about all the money she has spent on camping equipment. Her response was the equipment will provide a "lifetime of fun." My response? Air conditioning and a roof over my head are priceless.

And to expound on this...think about it...when I go on vacation I stay in a hotel where I have air conditioning, cable, a comfortable bed, indoor plumbing that I don't have to share with strangers and I don't have to clean up after myself - a maid does that! Then, when I want to eat, I visit a cool restaurant. Maybe some Thai, maybe some pizza, maybe some sushi. You know what campers call sushi? Bait. And, I'm sorry, I don't believe you can get a good martini camping - that's a lot of extra equipment to pack.

Michigan is going to be hot, humid and rainy this 4th of July weekend so, camper people, good luck. Wiggy called me this week to declare "I am not a wilderness girl!" and, of course, neither am I so we'll spend this weekend enjoying shopping, sushi and strong martinis! Cheers to Independence Day!

Crazy Mary, is that you?

Now that summer break is upon us, the 'hood is much more lively at night. Lucky me.

My trashy neighbors (you know, the used condom tossers) threw a huge party last weekend and, thankfully, I was out of town. I can only imagine what I missed. Thankfully, I did not find any used condoms or similar devices in my yard.

Tonight as I was trying to go to sleep I heard someone yell, "Help meeeeeeeeeeee! Heeelllp meeeeeee!!"

Now, I am normally the first person to call my local police department. However, since I called yesterday to report some thugs playing basketball in the street (and, p.s. was told it is fine as long as they "yield" to cars), I decided someone else would make the call. I couldn't pinpoint where the screaming was coming from but oh man, it was loud!

GRPD arrived on the scene in record time. I could hear people laughing while the lady kept screaming. And kept screaming. And kept screaming. Suddenly she was yelling about being naked and "you're killing me!" Oh, but people were laughing at her so clearly there was no imminent danger.

Suddenly, I had a flashback. In my mind I could hear, "I WANT A TUNA SANDWICH!!!" "HELL-OOOOO I WANT A TUNA FISH SAAAANDWIIIIIICHHHHH!!!!!!" in my head. Yes, friends, I think "Crazy Mary" has followed me to the northwest side of town!

"Crazy Mary" was my neighbor way back in 2007 and her antics actually were the catalyst for this blog!

I'd like to think this woman, described over the police scanner as "combative psychotic," is indeed "Crazy Mary."

This "Crazy Mary's" antics brought out the crazy in the condom tossers. They needed to pack up all their kids (and there are a lot of them - they must have just figured out how to use condoms), Precious the dog and saunter up the street to check out the situation. I heard them laughing about "crazy white people" as they walked home...and then proceeded to turn on their blaring R& B music and light firecrackers. Really, people? It's 11:00 p.m. And the police are one block away.

At least "Crazy Mary" never threw a used condom in my yard. All right, I lived in an apartment and didn't have a yard...but I did have a stoop! Though she did play "Blue Christmas" by Elvis on repeat for hours....at least the condom tossers play a variety when they bust the jams.

Rage Against the Relationship

I do plan to tell you about my first night on “mobile patrol” with my neighborhood association. However, right now my inner single girl is raging and I need to channel my anger.


Relationship people – I am so over you. Yes, you. You people who have to do everything together. Heaven forbid you spend a weekend with your girlfriends. Heck, or even a night out to dinner or the bar without your significant other. Heaven forbid you invite your single friend to do things with you (meaning the collective you, not you as an individual because you as an individual barely exists anymore).

I don’t understand you people!

I have a college friend who has been married now for about ten years. She and her husband manage to maintain their individual identities despite the fact that they now have three children and a generally busy life. They have their own interests, do things as a couple, do things individually with their friends (and, gasp, they even take turns “babysitting” the kids even though I would argue if they are your children it is not called “babysitting” it is called “parenting.” Of course, because they a normal couple they don’t call it “babysitting” but say things like Mrs. W is “with the kids.”) and, they have a couple of people in their lives who are perpetually single (including a former friend of mine) and, gasp again, they invite them to do stuff like trips and cookouts. Why can’t you all be like this?!?!

I wish these two would write a book, write a blog, make some YouTube videos, something, anything on how to be a great couple and to keep your own identities!

There are others out there who manage this too, I am just raging so let me rage and don’t take this personally, ok?

Everyone grows up at some point. I get it. However, why do some people find it so difficult to make room in their lives for relationships and friends? Remember all those times before you found your soul mate (yes, relationship people, I am talking to you again) and all you had were your friends? Some of us are still there and we need our friends. So when your soul mate mates with a new soul and you’re all devastated about it and you come knocking at my door I’ll be here for you (well, for everyone except this former friend) because, unlike you, I have a strong identity- single or not single.

Try to catch me ridin' dirty

'Hood rats, beware! There's a new sheriff in town (well, sort of) and her name? J-E-N.

You've got that, betches, I've joined the neighborhood Mobile Watch Patrol.

I'm already a little overzealous about this and my friend Rachael already warned me that this does not give me carte blanche to become some sort of neighborhood vigilante. We'll see about that....

I have a feeling I'll be the youngest volunteer on Mobile Watch Patrol. When Gerri pulled up in her Buick to drop off the information I took note of her tight perm and cardigan sweater and quickly realized I could be her granddaughter. That's cool though - I can hang with the old folks. It's all about stopping crime!

In my orientation materials I reviewed some information on "conditions, persons, and vehicles that may indicate criminal activity" and must share some highlights:

• A license plate held on with wires, a covered license plate or a missing license plate. Tricky, tricky, that wire thing!
• Dirty car, clean plates or vice versa. Hmmm...these old folks patrol from midnight to 3 a.m. so my question is can they even see well enough to notice this?
• Vehicles the drop one or more people off and either stay or cruise the area. Oh, duh, this happens with the house I suspect is a drug house across the street from me all day, every day, round the clock!
• Persons running, particularly late at night. I assume these are persons not dressed in appropriate running attire - you know, sweat band, GPS watch, etc.
• Persons not dressed right for the existing weather conditions. Now, if this is a crime, jails should be full. I always see morons wearing shorts when it is 50 degrees out. It really should be illegal - that's just tacky.

The coolest thing about the Mobile Watch Patrol? They ride around with spotlights and police scanners! Now they can't shine the spotlight inside of homes but still, that's pretty cool. They also report incidences in military time (how hard core is that?!?) and they use what I would guess are police lingo abbreviations. For example, ATT - attempt and MDOP - malicious destruction of property.

So much to learn - military time, police abbreviations, how to properly operate the spotlight and what to talk to a bunch of old folks about while cruising the crime infested streets in the wee hours of the night (for example, I don't think my Lady Gaga or Carrie Bradshaw references will fly).....

My first ride is the first weekend in June. I can't wait to share a full report of who and what I bust!

"Are you going to clean that up?"

My house must have the bodily function equivalent of a "Kick Me" sign on it that can only be seen by my trashy neighbors.

Today I am working from home. I was just in the kitchen heating up some lunch when Gracie went crazy. I came into the living room to see a dog taking a dump in my front yard with his owner standing by. Seriously?

As soon as I saw the owner did not have a bag in his hand I popped out and said, "Are you going to clean that up."

Exasperated, the owner responded, "Yeah, I've gotta go get a bag."

That's when I noticed the dog wasn't even on a leash - he was holding it by the collar.

I probably sound like crazy, paranoid lady but why the heck would he "walk" his dog without a leash? Clearly he was just taking the dog out onto someones yard to let it take a dump and move on.

About five minutes later he returned with a plastic bag and the dog on the leash.

I'm glad it is cleaned up but, seriously, people, my yard is NOT a dumping ground for your dog crap, your Dairy Queen cup, your cigarettes or your used condoms!

Excuse me, I think you left your DNA in my yard....

First, let me say I will never go this long without a blog entry again. I apologize to the whole three of you who read this blog on a regular basis!

THIS is worth the wait.

So, you know my neighborhood is sort of, well, ghetto and keeps getting worse, right? In fact, my neighborhood is in such a downward spiral that two weeks ago someone was CARJACKED outside of my home. CARJACKED. IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE. AT GUN POINT.

You get the point.

I find this incredibly disturbing. Here's the thing, I personally have no fear of being carjacked. I drive a beat up Sebring with constant flat tires and 135,000 miles. Take it - please! In fact, if I were to witness a carjacking I would probably stop the car, run out and offer mine. And then I'm sure the carjacker would laugh in my face. Or shoot me, leaving my car behind, of course.

Where was I? Oh yeah, fantasizing about getting a new car....anyway, I don't fear being a victim of this particular crime. However, I fear the fact that this crime would take place IN FRONT OF MY HOME.

Not to mention, this carjacker must not have the highest standards. Seriously, you should see some of the cars that drive down my street. This is not exactly Mercedes-ville, ok?

As if the carjacking isn't bad enough, today my next door neighbors told me they're walking away from their home. Awesome. There goes my home value and, even worse, there goes the neighborhood. Other than that time they (wrongly) thought Gracie killed their cat, they are nice, normal and quiet. Seriously, I'm fortunate because at least the people on each side of me and directly across the street are normal. I am seriously freaked out about who or what will move in next door.

The neighbor dropped the bomb this afternoon while I was doing yard work. The yard work eventually took me behind my garage where I plant my garden. Since it's Michigan I have yet to plant anything - I was just going back there to check out the weed situation.

That's when I spotted something irregular.

Something that does NOT belong in one's garden.

Something round, white and latex.

And I'm not talking about a balloon.

Yes, friends - there, on the ground where I will plant tomatoes, was a USED CONDOM.

I want to know how a used condom got in my garden. Wait, sorry, I am gagging a little.

Gracie goes back there all the time. She has probably sniffed it or worse - uh, gagging some more. It has been back there at least three weeks.

Should I get Gracie a STD test? I want to just go and Lysol the dirt. I know that sounds insane but I feel so violated.

Am I overreacting? I don't think so. No one should have to worry that when she goes into her garden to pick peppers and cucumbers she going to find a latex surprised filled with the DNA of a stranger.

I am so utterly disgusted.

Anyone wanna buy a house?

I want to thank you, thank you

It was one of you!

I didn't rant and rave about the crime committed against me on my personal Facebook page, only via blog. So, it was one of you crazy people who find my ranting and raving at least somewhat amusing who made my day today. All I can say? Thank you! All is right with the world again!

Here's the unsigned note that accompanied it!