First it's flowers, then it's grand theft auto

I am hot.

And not because it's going to be 90 degrees out today.

This morning I took Gracie for a walk and on the way back I saw large blonde lady walking with four little children further ahead. I noticed her because she was huge. I tend not to make fun of "pleasantly plump" people (because I am not skinny) but this woman made Rasputia from "Norbit" look like super model.

(The reason Rasputia is even on my radar is because this other "big" lady I know who I call The Mullet was trying to raise some money this week and apparently offered to go down a 90 foot water slide if she hit her goal. The waterslide scene from "Norbit" - which was not a good movie, by the way - came to mind. I do make fun of her, because she is The Devil, not because she is fat - long story).

Anyway, Two-ton Telly and the four children were stopped in front of my house. I couldn't tell why they were stopped because I was about 6 blocks back but didn't think much of it because little kids drop things all the time. As I walked with Gracie, I saw them stop again at the house next door (home of the owners of the cat Gracie was accused of "murdering.").

By the time Gracie and I got home they had rounded the corner and were making their way up another street.

I took Gracie in, got her some water, grabbed my iPod and headed out for a run.

I went around in front of my house and in the direction Two-ton Telly had gone. As I started jogging up the block I noticed red and purple flowers sprinkled along the sidewalk and realized those were MY red and purple flowers. I went back to my house and, sure enough, they were stopped because the devil-children ripped about one-third of my beautiful petunias out of the planter and then threw them on the sidewalk.

Don't tell me, "They're just kids" or "They're just flowers."

What was this woman thinking? When the kids went for the flowers, she should have said no. It wasn't one or two, I counted as I picked them up. The pulled a total of eight flowers from the pot.

My mom says this is what I get for living around a bunch of uneducated, trashy red necks. I suppose she is right, but in my defense, the neighborhood did not seem that trashy two years ago. Because of the bad economy it has definitely declined.

So, what's next. First, it's just ripping flowers out of the flower pot at the home of a neighbor. Next, it's stealing a toy from a kid at school or at the playground. Then, it's on to throwing firecrackers at homes in the neighborhood and finally, what, grand theft auto? I am serious.

I am not a parent, but would think it is important to start instilling things like, "Don't touch what doesn't belong to you" at a young age.

Needless to say, my run did not go as planned. Rather, I picked up the eight dead flowers and jogged around the blocks in the direction Two-ton Telly went hoping to find her. She is huge, so she could not have gone far.

I am sure I looked like a psycho jogging up and down each block in a half-mile radius intently staring at each home, with ripped out petunias in hand. In fact, I hope I did look like a psycho and I hope she saw me!

I did not find her but will be on the look out for her this weekend. It's on!

And P.S. - if her kids/grandkids/babysitting charges, whatever they were, had not messed with my flowers I would care less about her size. Just saying!