Life, liberty and the pursuit of lawsuits

I know I am a tad behind on my 4th of July post but the delay is worth it, trust me!


This year I spent 4th of July like a true American....drinking beer at a baseball game that was immediately followed by a patriotic fireworks display. Can't get more American than that, right?

Well, my friends and I learned you can.

God bless America. Indeed, we celebrate many freedoms here. Including a freedom I know our Founding Fathers just absolutely wanted us to be able to exercise...the freedom to file frivolous lawsuits!

You know George Washington was out there at Valley Forge, cleaning his wooden teeth, yelling at officers about getting STDs from the local whores (true story - saw it on The History Channel) and thinking, "Gee whiz, I hope someday people in this country will be free to fake injuries in the hope of personal financial gain!"

Without a doubt, what I witnessed at the baseball game will result in a frivolous lawsuit.

You know those T-shirt guns? The mascot was shooting T-shirts into the crowd and people were clamoring for them as if the mascot was shooting out bundles of Benjamins or something.

An orange T-shirt hurdled toward a group of people about four rows in front of me and my friends. Hands shot up to catch the prized T-shirt and a tall man at the game with his family caught it.

All is well that ends well, right? Not so much.

The woman in front of him, perhaps angry she didn't get the T-shirt, perhaps looking for some quick cash, suddenly doubled over in "pain," putting her hand on her side/lower back. It appeared she implied she was somehow shoved/pushed/punched by the man who caught the shirt. That definitely did NOT happen.

This woman was a drama queen. She tried to get up and walk and "collapsed" while her male companions kept shooting death looks to the poor guy who caught the T-shirt.

Speaking of T-shirt guy, he was totally bewildered. His wife kept putting her hand on his back and his kids had total looks of "WTF" on their faces.

"Injured" lady tried to make it the four seats to the end of her row and just couldn't, so a Good Samaritan flagged down "help." While waiting for "help" to arrive, poor T-shirt guy offered his prize to one of "injured" woman's male companions. The guy looked annoyed, but he accepted the T-shirt. Really? If your friend is truly injured do you care about a free T-shirt? Crazy!

She was suddenly surrounded by all kinds of official looking management people, as well as a paramedic. Suddenly a wheelchair appeared. The "help" tried to get her in a wheelchair but then realized we were surrounded by steps so that wouldn't work.

Meanwhile, the fireworks started and they were super....but I couldn't be help but be intrigued by the side show taking place in front of me!

Finally, a stretcher arrived. A freaking stretcher. They made her climb on, cross her arms in the manner of Hannibal Lector, and whisked her away.

T-shirt guy and his family jetted out of there before anyone could take his name and vital info. Good for him. The guy did not injure this woman. And, unless this woman had a pre-existing condition, there is no way she was injured. I mean, for real, if you have a bad back are you really going to lunge to grab a stupid free T-shirt? Probably not.

Given the fact that there was a slightly delayed reaction to the T-shirt catching and this woman's injury, I believe she was simply opting to celebrate the 4th of July in a uniquely American way...by faking an injury to file a lawsuit.

Farewell T-shirt guns at the local baseball games. Since T-shirt guy split before she could sue him, my guess is she'll go after those dangerous T-shirt guns.

I have a very American thought for her: T-shirt guns don't injure people. Idiot people jostling for free T-shirts that are worth .50 cents injure people (themselves).

Happy freaking (belated) birthday, America.