Stranded

Like much of the country, I spent the day dealing with the Blizzard of 2011, a storm bring dubbed Snowpocalypse, Snotorious B.I.G., snOwMG, SnOPRAH, SnOBAMA, Snow Doggie Dog, etc. It brought 16 inches of snow to my city, stranding me in my home. And guess what, I am not complaining about being stuck in my home. For the first time in years I am actually home and not traveling during a Snotorious B.I.G.-type storm, and let me tell you, I barely made it. Originally I was scheduled to be in Indianapolis through Tuesday evening (they got four inches of ice), but, given past experiences, I high-tailed it out of there and made it home before the big storm caught up with me. This wasn't a matter of pure luck - it was the result of some rational thinking based upon previous experiences. So, let me share my Top 5 stranded in a snow storm stories. Seriously, The Weather Channel, pay attention! You could totally do a one hour special just on me!

5. Atlanta -  December 2009
I heart ATL. I really do. I especially heart it in the winter with its mild weather. When I lived there my office closed because one snowflake was spotted in the greater Atlanta area. It was heaven. Imagine how thrilled I was to have a work trip scheduled in Atlanta for two days in the beginning of December....until I saw the weather report for my home city. Sure enough, the day I was supposed to fly home was the day a ridiculous storm hit Michigan, extending my stay in Atlanta by two days. Because it was supposed to be a quick trip I asked a friend to stay with the dog rather than board her or ship her off somewhere....poor dog sitter! It wasn't all that bad on my end really- I visited World of Coke, the Georgia Aquarium and got a ton of Christmas shopping done in Buckhead....but when I arrived back in Michigan the roads were still so terrible I had to take an expensive cab ride home and shovel a ridiculous amount of snow to get the car in the driveway. Inconvenient but not the end of the world.

4. Indianapolis - January 2009
This experience was nothing short of miserable. Sure, on day one it was all fun and games but by day three I wanted to cry. In fact, I am sure I did cry! Nothing like being stranded with a gang of co-workers, including one who is totally high maintenance and makes your skin crawl to make you want to cry. We were stranded in downtown Indy so Circle Centre was our friend - we walked there, we ate there, we shopped there, we avoided one another there. Yes, fun times. A three day trip to Indy became a week long visit which meant running out of clean underwear (thank goodness for TJ Maxx) and running out of patience. Luckily, we all made it home unscathed. Eventually.

3. NYC - December 2000
My first trip to New York City. I remember flying in to LaGuardia that first time like it was yesterday. I fell in love with the city before the plane even touched the ground and wanted to stay indefinitely...little did I know my wish was about to come true. Sure enough, a big blizzard in Detroit left me stranded in NYC while all my travel companions made it out (Southern bitches!). Alone, scared and stranded in Queens, I had no idea what to do! I was not yet the seasoned traveler I am today, after all. For some reason all the nice, normal hotels by the airport were completely booked so that sent me scrambling. LaGuardia was under construction and the airline dumped my checked bag - sleeping on a plastic chair in baggage claim just wasn't a good option. So, I followed a family booked on my cancelled flight to a "hotel" (motel) somewhere in Queens. The cab driver totally screwed me on fare - he had the meter running at double speed. When I arrived, I had to pay a guy at a bullet proof window though a hole in plexiglass and explain that no, I was not renting BY THE HOUR, I was, indeed, like the family who just checked in ahead of me, staying the night. In my room I found a bed I called the 1001 Arabian Nights Bed - the bedding was, well, crusty. And the carpet wasn't much better. I pulled everything off but the sheet, covered the bed with towels from the bathroom and cuddled up like a scared baby for the night. The next day I trekked back to LGA, got re-booked on a different airline and finally got out of there. Oh, what a night! (By the way, if this happened to me today, I would pull out my AmEx, check in to the Millennium Broadway and stay until I maxed out my credit card - it would be a total sign to live it up in NYC. Oh, and I would stuff my face with as many Magnolia Bakery cupcakes I could get my hands on.)

2. Missouri - March 2001
After nearly dying in a car wreck, I was traumatized. If you're a regular, you read this story in March (if you're not, follow the link to the details of the accident)...but what I failed to share was that my bosses wanted me to leave the state of Misery, er Missouri, pronto after the accident. However, due to inclimate weather and the fact I was, in good weather, an hour and a half from the airport, I was stuck in the Show Me State. What I also failed to mention in the March entry was that though my 90 pound suitcase with my clothing made it out (because the rescue crew had to remove it because I was pinned underneath it), my purse and laptop (oh, the horror) were in the trunk of the car. The car was "too unstable" according to the rescue crew to try to mess with the trunk, so not only was I stranded, I was stranded with no purse and, gasp, no laptop until the car could safely be towed out of the ditch days later. I still have laptop separation anxiety as a result! It was before 9/11 and all, but I am sorry, Delta was not going to let me check in for my flight without my license and I sure as hell was not going to apply for Missouri residency!

and finally....drum roll......

the all time worst experience.....

1. Philadelphia  -March 2003
I was sent to Philly to cover for a lazy, bitchy co-worker who was too much of a waste of space to get her ass on an flight out of Atlanta and into anywhere with snow, even for an event she was ultimately responsible for planning and executing. "Send the Northern girl"- I KNOW that was the logic. Let me tell you, I had a giant Georgia peach sized chip on my shoulder to begin with on this trip....a chip that grew and grew as I watched the weather reports once arriving in Philly. Every time I turned on the TV or picked up a radio it was all about the "big Nor'easter", "biggest storm in decades," etc. Apparently, I was the only person from my organization concerned about the impending doom. Until the morning the storm hit, of course. That morning....oh, that morning.

To fully explain the situation let me take a break and give you some background: At the time I had two bosses. My immediate supervisor was wonderful and I am still friends with her today. Our "big" (and I mean big in more than one way) supervisor was, well, The Devil. I also liked to call her The Mullet because she sorta had one. The Mullet reeked of Escape by Calvin Klein (a perfume I once loved and now loathe - to this day the scent makes me want to vomit), drank out of the same Styrofoam cup for days (she once said, in her gravely, loud, manly voice, "See this cup...I bought it three days ago in Oxford (as in Mississippi)." It was three days later. In Atlanta (as in Georgia). It had hot pink lipstick marks all around it. She just kept refilling it with Tab. Gross. Oh yeah, she was totally addicted to Tab.) and liked to sexually harass me and my FEMALE co-workers (she once snuck into my supervisor's office where I was bent over picking something up and sat in a chair immediately facing my ass. When I saw her I said ,"Oh, excuse me Mullet (I will not use her real name, sorry)" and her reply was, "It's ok, Jen, I'm just sittin' here enjoin' the view."). To top it all off, she was just plain mean. Oh and lazy. Super lazy. Super, duper lazy. I think her number two hobby (after hitting on women) was sleeping.

Anyway, the storm was coming and hotel staff and local volunteers were warning us to get out of dodge. However, the final person who could make the decision about ending the meeting and allowing people to leave was...you guessed it, The Mullet. Well, The Mullet needed her beauty sleep (no amount of sleep can help her - trust me) and by the time she lumbered downstairs the morning of the storm (because I was told I was not to call and wake her under ANY circumstances) it was almost time for everything to end anyway. We sent our volunteers out into the horrible conditions. Many made it onto the last flights out of Philly, some who drove got stranded - some even got in car wrecks but were all right.

Six of us didn't make it out of Philly that day. I was one....but karma is a bitch because The Mullet was one of the six as well.

We were stranded in Philly for days! DAYS! The hotel ran out of food! We totally weren't prepared. Hell, I did not even have a winter coat with me. No one packed for an extended stay in Philly.

Luckily, my organization had some goods that were boxed up and stuck with me in the hotel, including various T-shirts, sweatshirts, etc. The Mullet came to my room on the second day and ordered, "Jen, go get me some pants." Shudder.

I, too, was out of clean pants....as well as all other clothing items for that matter.  I opened the boxes to find one pair of size large yoga pants. Those pants were never gonna fit The Mullet's fat ass and mine was pretty skinny at the time (and, according to The Mullet, pretty good looking) so I grabbed them. I did manage to find a long sleeve XL T-shirt that I thought might (barely) fit her. I also found T-shirts for myself and a co-worker I was bunking with. I put on my new, clean clothes and took the Mullet her T-shirt. She looked me up and down and said, "Jen, you're wearin' my pants." Oh, she was pissed. At that point I was tired, I was hungry and pissed off about the entire situation. I said, "Mullet, these are size large, sorry." Oops. I threw her stupid XL T-shirt at her and left. When she showed up at dinner that night (where we all drank water and ate saltines in the hotel restaurant), that stupid gray XL T-shirt was stretched over all her fat rolls. Even the cuffs at the wrists looked too tight. I just laughed and laughed and thought about how comfy I was in my new, clean yoga pants. Oh yeah, and as we all talked about the weather (because what else was there to discuss?) she looked at me and said, "Jen, for someone from The North, I don't understand why you make such a big deal about the weather." Um - hello! We're stranded with no food and no clothing and no flight out in sight!! Jackass. Not to mention, I had just barely escaped Missouri two years earlier working for this same organization. I'd prefer NOT to travel in a blizzard, thank you very much. Err - still gets my blood boiling! I believe I spent a total of seven days in Philly - three planned, four unplanned. I remember flashes of it (like a night too many martinis at the bar) but not the entire experience. That's probably for the best.

And, by the way, I still have those pants!