Top five things I don't need to know about you (or your spawn)

I enjoy Facebook. Yes, I post status updates and I am sure I annoy people with them. I post a lot about running, complain about winter weather, cheer on my favorite college football team, etc.

If I am down and out with bronchitis or something I will share (via Facebook and blog) but I don't get into the dirty details...well, most of the time. There was that one time Gracie had bloody dog poo (in my defense, my house looked like a crime scene from it! I had to explain.), but beyond that I don't share information about body fluids or functions. However, some of my Facebook friends do not use the same restraint. In honor of those friends, I feel compelled to share the Top Five things I do not want to hear about on Facebook:

5. Your ongoing health problems that aren't real health problems. If you have cancer or something then yes, I care, and I want to hear if chemo is kicking your ass or if you had a good day. However, if you have something like say, a "mystery illness" and you just feel like crap all the time and use Facebook as a platform to complain about it, guess what, I don't need to know. Especially when you get all dramatic and say that you just don't know what is wrong and you're just so miserable. If you're so miserable and your doctor isn't helping, get a second opinion rather than trying to illicit pity from your Facebook friends!

4. Your mucus. Ick. That word grosses me out. Seriously! Spell it. Say it, "mucus." It just sounds gross. I don't want to hear about how much mucus you have, what color it is, etc. Period.

3. Projectile vomiting. It's bad enough when Facebook friends share, in detail, how little precious baby puked in their hair, on their clothes, etc. but it's even worse when I have to read about how said baby projectile vomited on the airplane, in the car or on a little friend at daycare. It's too much of a visual for me. Sidebar - as far as the airplane goes - as a frequent traveler let me say if it were up to me there would be family only sections on airplanes, if not family only flights, so people like me don't have to smell dirty diapers or baby spit. I'm a jerk, I know it. Anyway, what's worse than hearing about your child's vomit? Hearing about the vomit coming from you or your significant other. Seriously folks, a vomiting kid is one thing but a vomiting adult? That's just a whole new level of gross (especially if the vomiting is not induced by alcohol - if alcohol induced it's sort of funny and, therefore, tolerable).

2. Your child's exploding diaper. Seriously, I know more about the bowel movements of the spawn of some of my Facebook friends than my own bowel movements. I don't need to hear how your little precious one pooped on the floor, in the tub, on the dog or how he or she dropped a big bomb in his or her diaper. It's just gross, ok, and is not want to see as I scroll down my newsfeed while eating my turkey bacon for breakfast.

1. Your exploding intestines. Let me make this clear: I do NOT need to know if you have diarrhea. I do NOT need to know if you are constipated. I bet none of your other Facebook friends need to know either. I have nothing else to say on this subject because, well, there's just nothing else to say. What happens in the bathroom should stay in the bathroom, got it?